So I have been hesitant to write this out on here. I am shakey all the time, i am always in panic mode, i cant even step foot out of my house at all since this happened on Wednesday. On Wednesday early afternoon, we had just put up the security cameras two days before, first my dogs went nuts so i turned the app on my phone on to look out the front on the porch/driveway area. Welive out on 80 acres. then as i was loding it the security camera sent me an alert to someone was out there. I am SO grateful that my dog heard them even before they would have been on the porch and that i didnt go to the door. Thank GOD for the security cameras being up, we talked about putting them up for months and finally did it (we have more security things up now too) First there was one man on the porch, never came to the door, he kept nosing around on the porch looking thru anything up there which is mainly garbage cans that were full even and planters etc. after a bit he went down the porch then a differnet man did the same. they wandered around the yard for awhile, then a vehicle (not putting too much details here for safety) sped up the driveway they hopped in and it drove off. I dont know why when i first saw them i called my mom and she told me why you calling me hang up and callthe cops! SO i did. The men came at 12:52 and left at 1:02 and the cop pulled in at 1:03pm He JUST missed them. Later we found out our cameras need sd cards (did not realizez that) in order to record video BUT it DID record photos including of their faces, only bad thing is we found out they were armed. They both had guns on them hidden ALMOST at their sides, hand guns. 

How can i EVER feel safe at home again or anywhere? I feel as scared as i did after i wasraped 19 years ago.I am too terrified to even take a step out of my house, even with allthe security measures, i am so scared 24/7. I can not stop shaking, i non stop am watching the cameras on my phone, we also have alarms on them so unless we have a delivery about to come we live the alarm set on them and they are VERY loud. I just hope we never forget to turn them off for Fedex etc. Do not want to scare them away! I have 4 days of appointments monday thru thrusday this coming week, i dont even know how i am going to leave my front door. I cant even step out with my dogs, i first echeck the back AND front security cameras, let them out in the fence once i know its safe and lock the door and stand watchign them and watching the front yard on the camera.  I cant live like this but i dont know how to deal with it. I saw my therapist thrusday over the portal so on the computer and she said if i am like this until Monday its normal but if it does not ease up to where i can leave for my Dr appointment Monday ( to check on the staph infection and cellulitis i have) then it becomes a bigger issue. 19 years ago i got where i could not leave my apartment nad in 2016/2017. I do not like going back down this road but i dont know how to stop it.I did FINALLY sleep and 8 hours from about 4am until noon today. NEver woke up when my fiances alarm went off or when he left for work. Scares me i slept so sound. He says i owuld have woken up if the camera alarms had gone off but i wonder. What if they men had come backand gotten in? He also said hte dogs would alert me again. Why our house???????? Why traumatize people???????? Why again?????? and they were armed!!!!!!! 

I had said i would NEVER EVER take seroquel again. My old shrink i had 19 years ago instead of putting me in therapy, never even suggested it when i was raped, put me on the top dose of seroquel which is 1200 mg. My shrink i have now knows the histroy etc The high dose of seroquel put 140 pounds on me in a year without over eating. Well i am short term, on 25mg and i can take 1-2 three times a day and i can also take my klonopoin still. I been taking only 1 pillfor the first two doses because other wise i feel groggy. I hope im not making a bad decision but he will be checking my blood work in a couple weeks but i do have very good kidneys and liver, he wont risk my health and we will watch my weight close. There was no other options becusae the other 2 were ones i did not do well with for other reasons, the one make my blood sugars extremely high! So praying it keeps helping but it does not complely calm me just take a little of the edge off. I dont wnat to be a zombie so not ready to take 2 at a time during the day. But i do not know how to handle allthis! My therapist had said even if i have to be medicatied and with someon to even step outside, at least i am doing it and not letting the intruders win. But, they already have won, they stole my feeling of being safe in my own home and of leaving the house. Now i am so scared when if im gone and they get in and harm my 3 dogs and cat??????? I feel like im going insane with anxiety!