Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Hi everybody,
I'm too anxious to sleep and I think I just need to voice my concerns. I find sometimes that just acknowledging the fact I'm not okay is enough for me to shift from "not okay" to "planning."
I have PTSD from childhood trauma and find that I don't handle all kinds of stress well. I can navigate the murky territory of "self-inflicted" stress (jobs, school, etc) but the moment stressors come from the outside world that are out of my control, I start to panic.
I lead a very structured, fairly rigid life. I'm not into drugs or alcohol, I don't do parties, and my day-to-day life is one that I enjoy but could probably be described as mundane (I am in a grad school program, my husband and daughter are both students too; our day-to-day looks the same because we are all doing similar things and I find peace in this).
The one thing I struggle with most is the balance between my mental/academic acuity and my physical health. My physical health is failing at a very young age, and most of my physical health issues stem from neurological damage caused by prolonged abuse as a child. I'm on a myriad of medications to help regulate my neurological and muscular structure, that without which I can't walk unassisted. I'm not even 30 yet.
I have a surgery scheduled this upcoming week and my health is spiraling out of control. There is literally nothing I can do other than wait until surgery and pray my body doesn't suffer more physical damage. I spoke to the person who will be operating today and while the procedure itself * should * have been simple initially, my body is under such strain they are concerned I am facing permanent lung and heart damage. When I asked for a best/worst case scenario the doctor told me I * might * be eligible to be released back to school in January. He said I was his running worst case scenario and he wasn't sure how it would turn out. The risk of infection to my lungs is high, and my heart is being damaged by the medicine my doctors have been patching me along the last few weeks with (to get me to surgery).
I'm nervous and I'm scared. The last time I was put under it was for a routine procedure; it was supposed to last 45 minutes. My body was in such poor shape that I went into cardiac arrest multiple times. The thought of going under again terrifies me, and knowing I'm walking into a procedure I have to be put under for, that the doctors have already expressed complication concerns, has me terrified.
This is out of my control so I know I shouldn't stress it; there is literally nothing I can do other than wait this out -- but I'm struggling. I am terrified. I am terrified I'm going to go under and never see my husband and daughter again. I'm terrified that despite the fact I'm doing all the things the doctors have told me to do, the treatment they thought they could patch me along with is causing my body damage beyond what necessitated the need for surgery in the first place.
I tried expressing my concerns to some of my family members today but knowing I have PTSD, they think I am "overreacting." The surgeon today told me that what should normally be an outpatient procedure in a doctor's office now has to be done by him and another surgeon in a hospital and I have to be put under for it. They started me on antibiotics today hoping it would decrease the risk of infection for me to have antibiotics in my system when I went under. I can't seem to adequately express to the people close to me (1) that this is not me overreacting; while I know I don't handle stress well this is NOT that and (2) that I'm terrified.
I'm horrible at presenting like I have strong front. My friends joke the only lie I'll ever tell them is that I'm physically okay. I hate the idea of burdening other people and so I choose to suffer quietly and on my own. My husband and a few close friends understand what my personal physical struggle is on a day-to-day basis, but for the most part I remain silent on it and continue doing the things I want to do. My doctor thinks I should be on bedrest because of my neurological condition, but I refuse. He tried to place me on disability a few years ago but the state said no. I held a job for a while and then started graduate school hoping a higher education would allow me to work a better paying less demanding job. I think on the surface people see my successes and it doesn't occur to them that I struggle underneath it.
I do struggle though. My physical health is very poor and this surgery has me scared. I'm losing sleep tonight because of my anxiety. Logically I know there is nothing I can do because my body is going to do what it does, and the surgeon is going to do his best. I feel like a ticking time-bomb though; I was placed on medication to help patch me along to surgery, but it's causing heart damage. My lungs are suffering and the doctor is more concerned about my lungs and their risk of infection now than he is about what the surgery was originally supposed to be for itself.
I feel sick. Very sick. Having worn a strong front for so long, now that I'm beginning to admit I am not okay the support from my friends has been overwhelming. My friends know me well enough to know I haven't been okay for almost a month now, but I can't seem to express to my family in a way they can understand that I am not okay. I think they still see the teenage girl they said "just wanted attention."
It's both ironic and sad; some of my family ended up in therapy to learn to cope with what happened to me, and despite their admitting my past happened when I was a teenager, they find it easier to pretend as though nothing has happened at all. They live in this fantasy world where my life was normal because it's easier for them to accept that I just needed attention than it is for them to admit they were powerless to protect me when they thought I needed it the most. I don't call them on it because everybody copes differently, but I feel like it's a slap in the face now that things are going wrong to say I might be overreacting. This is NOT a ploy for attention, just like my lashing out and having flashbacks wasn't for attention as a teen. I didn't ask for the childhood I was given, I was just given a shitty hand and was told to deal with it.
I'm done with my rant now, though. I think I just needed to vent. Having written this I'm already feeling a little better. I am pretty sure I just needed to acknowledge that I wasn't okay, to someone who wouldn't tell me this is all a desperate cry for attention, or that I was blowing it out of proportion. I think I needed a safe place to express my concerns and navigate my own feelings on them.
I am grateful that DS is here for me int he middle of the night when everybody I know (including my husband) is asleep. I'm grateful I have a place to reach out to when I feel like I'm in the dark and alone.
Thank for giving me a safe place, guys. I know my health isn't necessarily PTSD related, but I'm pretty sure my issues in dealing with "out of control" stressors is. Thank you for being here.
I'm too anxious to sleep and I think I just need to voice my concerns. I find sometimes that just acknowledging the fact I'm not okay is enough for me to shift from "not okay" to "planning."
I have PTSD from childhood trauma and find that I don't handle all kinds of stress well. I can navigate the murky territory of "self-inflicted" stress (jobs, school, etc) but the moment stressors come from the outside world that are out of my control, I start to panic.
I lead a very structured, fairly rigid life. I'm not into drugs or alcohol, I don't do parties, and my day-to-day life is one that I enjoy but could probably be described as mundane (I am in a grad school program, my husband and daughter are both students too; our day-to-day looks the same because we are all doing similar things and I find peace in this).
The one thing I struggle with most is the balance between my mental/academic acuity and my physical health. My physical health is failing at a very young age, and most of my physical health issues stem from neurological damage caused by prolonged abuse as a child. I'm on a myriad of medications to help regulate my neurological and muscular structure, that without which I can't walk unassisted. I'm not even 30 yet.
I have a surgery scheduled this upcoming week and my health is spiraling out of control. There is literally nothing I can do other than wait until surgery and pray my body doesn't suffer more physical damage. I spoke to the person who will be operating today and while the procedure itself * should * have been simple initially, my body is under such strain they are concerned I am facing permanent lung and heart damage. When I asked for a best/worst case scenario the doctor told me I * might * be eligible to be released back to school in January. He said I was his running worst case scenario and he wasn't sure how it would turn out. The risk of infection to my lungs is high, and my heart is being damaged by the medicine my doctors have been patching me along the last few weeks with (to get me to surgery).
I'm nervous and I'm scared. The last time I was put under it was for a routine procedure; it was supposed to last 45 minutes. My body was in such poor shape that I went into cardiac arrest multiple times. The thought of going under again terrifies me, and knowing I'm walking into a procedure I have to be put under for, that the doctors have already expressed complication concerns, has me terrified.
This is out of my control so I know I shouldn't stress it; there is literally nothing I can do other than wait this out -- but I'm struggling. I am terrified. I am terrified I'm going to go under and never see my husband and daughter again. I'm terrified that despite the fact I'm doing all the things the doctors have told me to do, the treatment they thought they could patch me along with is causing my body damage beyond what necessitated the need for surgery in the first place.
I tried expressing my concerns to some of my family members today but knowing I have PTSD, they think I am "overreacting." The surgeon today told me that what should normally be an outpatient procedure in a doctor's office now has to be done by him and another surgeon in a hospital and I have to be put under for it. They started me on antibiotics today hoping it would decrease the risk of infection for me to have antibiotics in my system when I went under. I can't seem to adequately express to the people close to me (1) that this is not me overreacting; while I know I don't handle stress well this is NOT that and (2) that I'm terrified.
I'm horrible at presenting like I have strong front. My friends joke the only lie I'll ever tell them is that I'm physically okay. I hate the idea of burdening other people and so I choose to suffer quietly and on my own. My husband and a few close friends understand what my personal physical struggle is on a day-to-day basis, but for the most part I remain silent on it and continue doing the things I want to do. My doctor thinks I should be on bedrest because of my neurological condition, but I refuse. He tried to place me on disability a few years ago but the state said no. I held a job for a while and then started graduate school hoping a higher education would allow me to work a better paying less demanding job. I think on the surface people see my successes and it doesn't occur to them that I struggle underneath it.
I do struggle though. My physical health is very poor and this surgery has me scared. I'm losing sleep tonight because of my anxiety. Logically I know there is nothing I can do because my body is going to do what it does, and the surgeon is going to do his best. I feel like a ticking time-bomb though; I was placed on medication to help patch me along to surgery, but it's causing heart damage. My lungs are suffering and the doctor is more concerned about my lungs and their risk of infection now than he is about what the surgery was originally supposed to be for itself.
I feel sick. Very sick. Having worn a strong front for so long, now that I'm beginning to admit I am not okay the support from my friends has been overwhelming. My friends know me well enough to know I haven't been okay for almost a month now, but I can't seem to express to my family in a way they can understand that I am not okay. I think they still see the teenage girl they said "just wanted attention."
It's both ironic and sad; some of my family ended up in therapy to learn to cope with what happened to me, and despite their admitting my past happened when I was a teenager, they find it easier to pretend as though nothing has happened at all. They live in this fantasy world where my life was normal because it's easier for them to accept that I just needed attention than it is for them to admit they were powerless to protect me when they thought I needed it the most. I don't call them on it because everybody copes differently, but I feel like it's a slap in the face now that things are going wrong to say I might be overreacting. This is NOT a ploy for attention, just like my lashing out and having flashbacks wasn't for attention as a teen. I didn't ask for the childhood I was given, I was just given a shitty hand and was told to deal with it.
I'm done with my rant now, though. I think I just needed to vent. Having written this I'm already feeling a little better. I am pretty sure I just needed to acknowledge that I wasn't okay, to someone who wouldn't tell me this is all a desperate cry for attention, or that I was blowing it out of proportion. I think I needed a safe place to express my concerns and navigate my own feelings on them.
I am grateful that DS is here for me int he middle of the night when everybody I know (including my husband) is asleep. I'm grateful I have a place to reach out to when I feel like I'm in the dark and alone.
Thank for giving me a safe place, guys. I know my health isn't necessarily PTSD related, but I'm pretty sure my issues in dealing with "out of control" stressors is. Thank you for being here.
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
In general, I find that family members make lousy therapists. Some of them care, but they are entirely to involved to be objective. The best support they offer me is in encouraging me to trust my therapy network.
Healing hopes for the surgery and recovery.
The antibiotics I'm on make my neurological medications less effective though and I got less than two hours of sleep last night (and I have graduate classes today). It's not idea, but I should physically make it through my day today and that is all I am asking of myself. I plan to try to sleep when I get back home from class; I am sure I could use it and both my brain and my bodily finally feel like they are ready to let me get rest.
Thank you everyone for the positive support and encouragement!
You're not alone, you've got us here. Sorry for what brought you to us, but glad you found us.
On two hours of sleep, and antibiotics (which I never do well on) I managed to attend 3 of my 4 classes today. My professor excused me right before my last class because I was not doing well, and offered to send me a video of the class lecture so I wouldn't be behind. I commute over an hour one-way to campus and my professors are all understanding that in light of my illness, these few hours a day commuting are taking a lot out of me given my current heart/lung complications.
I am really grateful to have you all here. I am a loner and I am not good at leaning on others for emotional support when it stems from my trauma; I haven't had a positive experience in the past talking about the things I've been through or how they've impacted me (I once had someone tell me I had to be lying because "things like that don't happen here in the U.S."). I struggle with a need to talk through my trauma and this idea that it would only be a burden to the people around me for me to talk to them about it. This leads me to say nothing (for the most part) and try to deal with it myself.
I have never been in a support group of this nature before, but am already immensely appreciative for it. It's nice to have a safe place to talk about the things that bother me, and it's nice to have people around who understand where I am coming from. I only hope that I can help all of you as much as you are helping me.
I am pretty sure without this group right now I would falling to pieces over this surgery; it's following a really bad flashback episode, I am trying to stay enrolled in my classes this semester (I just have two more class days until the surgery and then I am done with class!), and I am trying to reschedule my classes for next semester based around my current physical health concerns.
I have little control anywhere at the moment and this is something that would normally drive me to be edgy, hostile (even at people I love), and defensive.
I'm actually finding comfort in this chaotic mess, and I think you all have a lot to do with that. Thank you.