Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there. So this is going to be a bit rambly and less eloquent, I apologize.

So today is supposed to be a joyous day, right? It's the day we celebrate the mothers in our lives and thank them for all that they do. Well, today is a bit difficult for me for a number of reasons. 

So, to start, my trauma was childhood sexual abuse and my abuser was my cousin. Now, his mom (my aunt) was like a second mother to me. All her life she wanted a daughter. Instead, she got two boys. When I came along, she went nuts. She spoiled me rotten. All the while her youngest son was abusing me. When I became a teenager, she and I spent the most time together. She took me everywhere. We bonded. Well, I was 14 when her son abused me again and that was when I came forward and told my parents. I'll never forget the look of hopelessness in my mother's eyes. Well, my parents told the rest of the family and it was like this cosmic shift, my family separated. She completely deleted herself from my life (understandably) and it felt like I had been abandoned. Thankfully I haven't seen my cousin since but I have seen my aunt a few times in the past 7 years and every time I do, it triggers me. To make matters worse, my older brother and my cousin were like best friends, my brother looked up to him a lot. After the shift, my brother still hung out with my cousin, knowing full well what he did to me. So I have a false sense of security with my brother. And my grandparents still see my cousin, and we all just avoid discussing the obvious rift it has caused, because it's much easier to ignore it, even though I can't. I have to live with the pain of what he did to me, and the abandonment from his mother every day.

Today is also difficult for me because it's the first Mother's Day without my grandmother (other side of the family). She passed away early March because of early onset dementia. I was her second grandchild (my brother being the first) so I was one of her favorites. And she and I were very close. I read somewhere that children who experience sexual abuse tend to become very clingy with a parent or other adult. I would definitely say that's true about my grandmother. I spent all of my young childhood with her. She took me everywhere. We sang and danced to Elvis and the oldies. We used to eat Chili Cheese Fries together. She always told me I was her number 2 (second grandchild) but she was also MY number 2 - the second most important person in my life (number one being my mother - her daughter). Well, because of dementia, she eventually forgot me before she passed and that was hard enough as is. But now, having to celebrate the first Mother's Day without her, it's incredibly difficult. She was everything to me. 

So, for Mother's Day, my immediate family (my parents, brother, dogs, and me) escaped everything and ran away to our cabin in the mountains. Now, I love my little family and I love the mountains. But lately I've been in a bit of a PTSD funk, it's a difficult day on its own (missing my grandma and my aunt) but my brother is also talking about things that he loves but these things are also triggers for me, because he remembers them as enjoying them with our cousin, but I remember the abuse and I can't exactly tell him to stop because, again, instead of talking about it, we just ignore that it ever happened. So today has been a bit difficult and I have no one to really talk to about it, and my family just thinks I'm pulling attitude. It sucks.

Thanks for letting me just vent...

Also, unrelated to most of the post, but I'm absolutely terrified of getting dementia one day (several people in my family have had it - not just my grandma) and I already have repressed memories that I can't remember, I don't want to lose any more.

Anyway, Happy Mother's Day...