Okay, so back in like February of 2017 I made a post about my boyfriend. I was head over heals in love with him because he cared about me and was easy with me. I never talked a out what happened with him afterwards. 

I did end up loosing my virginity to him. But he became more sexual and I’d reluctantly go along with it because I loved him. I started telling him no when he wanted to do anything and he’d force himself on or in me. And I would go limp, allowing him because if I didn’t, he’d threaten to beat me, kill my family. So I’d let him use my body as he pleased because at the time I didn’t know what else to do. The only thing I wished for when he did anything was to put a condom on. Thankfully he listened to at least that request despite being annoyed about it because “he had good pullout game” or “condoms are uncomfortable.” By June or July, he proposed and for some stupid fucking reason I said yes. I’m only 16 at the time, at this point he was now 18. So at 16 I was engaged and prepared to marry my rapist and abuser as soon as I graduated. Then September came. I slept over as his request. I woke up around 1:30-2:00am because I was feeling pain in my groin area. I thought nothing of it and went back to bed. For a few weeks after that pain I noticed I was gaining weight which is totally not normal for me because it takes a LOT to make me gain weight. I have a fast metabolism. So my first instinct was, “was I pregnant?” My mom didn’t know I was sexually active, so I wasn’t on birth control. I take a test and it comes out negative. So I thought stress was making me gain weight. 2 more weeks pass and I call my best friend freaking out telling him my period is late by two weeks. He tells me to calm down and that he’ll fly out to take me to the doctor. We went to the doctor, I took a Urine test. Results came back and sure enough I was pregnant. All I remember after being told I was pregnant was me crying. And honestly thank god Planned Parenthood is a thing because I was able to just take a pill and because I was early enough along, I just absorbed the remains of my baby. 

So, why tf does that matter, two years later?! I ended up having a dream about her. The little baby. And I knew it was mine because she looked exactly like me and my ex. And the only thing she told me was “I’m okay mama and you’re okay too.” And like, it just doesn’t feel right? I feel so bad years later about what I did, but I know it was the best for me financially and mentally. In all honesty I think the only thing I was more worried about besides my financial situation was the fact that I would be raising a child with my rapist and who would’ve know what he would do to that baby when they got older. And like I know I did the right thing for myself and the baby, but I still feel so guilty. And like it’s my fault I got pregnant. And I think now that I’m 18, it just makes me feel like absolute shit. 

Honestly that entire thing is probably a good reason why I have commitment issues as well as a disapproval of me getting pregnant (does that even make sense, idk) I think I just need 7200000 hours of sleep because this is so exhausting. Anyway I’m not sure what I was expecting, comfort? Organize my exhausted and guilt ridden brain? Idk, I guess any input on how to get past this so I stop feeling guilty?

oh yeah, after the abortion, I turned to smoking as my coping mechanism of killing a baby. I quit after I broke up with my ex. But, I’ve been so stressed today, overthinking and such that I asked my coworker for a smoke to which he agreed. We got outside and he asked me why I wanted to smoke and I kinda just broke. That 10-20 minute smoke turned into an hour long session (thank god we didn’t have any flights come in during that time) and he ended up hugging me and comforting me. So I also feel guilty about that. Yeah, there’s been a lot on my mind in just 48 hours.