I was raised with the wisdom that jails and prisons are the traditional family "Institutions of Higher Learning." That wisdom is still being taught in my birth family. Late fees on bills are an acceptable budget item. Hold a regular job? That's for people who aren't smart enough to get welfare.

I wear striped pajamas to remind me of my roots.

Hoarding is a mental illness, actually, or symptom of something. (Found out the hard way with my mom.)
On the rest...My dad was never the one to "blame". But boy oh boy, the rest of us sure were.
BTW, don't worry about criminal tendencies. Bona fide blood related to two known murderers, don't even get me started on the drugs, ugh! You're not your DNA. Just hold onto that. You can be more than your DNA and your upbringing. They're always with you, bu tthey're not *all* of you.
And I don't go near my dad's family, haven't on purpose for 20 years-plus. THey only track me down if they want me to appear in court on their behalf. Nuff said.

Historically speaking, an abandoned child, is a dead child. So every bit of our DNA says bond, bond, bond with our parents...and adopt whatever reality they have for the world.

YOur mother saw herself as the victim, so you saw that for your mother too. That tells me that you were a normal healthy kid...in an unhealthy environment.

Looking at my own kids...I'm often really really amazed at how much they copy me. In small and big things. Parental power is mindshatteringly big. Not in getting them to pick up their socks...but in influencing how they'll see the world.

My missionary family lived off of charity church fundraising. We went from church to church on Sundays as a family. We kids wore costumes and sang songs. Dad showed a slide show, Mom gave a little talk that somehow ended in tender tears every time. Then the offering plate was passed.

A "theater troupe" indeed. Unfortunately, the show overshadowed the reality. Eventually, my dad would have a big church of his own, there would be a scandal regarding church business, and he would be kicked out in disgrace. However, as you mention about your mom's bounced checks and the store banning her, my parents saw themselves as the victims and not the church. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, huh?

Thanks for reflecting on this. ds.

Thanks for all the replies! We are not alone.