No, sweetie. You don't deserve to feel like this.
You deserve and deserved a sane, loving, supportive mom.

...it's just not who you have.
...not by a long shot.
And that's totally not fair.

You're a good kid. She's messed up. I'm very sorry.

You're a good young man, no matter who she is. Even if you can't feel it right now.
You're a good guy.

I totally agree with BlueDragon. No person on this earth would blame you or hold it against you for wanting to see your MUM for heaven's sake! It's the most normal and inevitable thing in the world that you would be drawn by hope and need to see her, no matter what. Don't blame yourself. You're just a normal guy doing what anyone who isn't a sociopath would do. You don't deserve to suffer for it. You never deserved any of the suffering you got.

Most of us who have cut ties with family had to prove it to ourselves over and over again that they could not be trusted. It takes a lot of brutal blows to finally become convinced that all you're ever going to get from your parent is hurt. It's so hard to stop hoping, to take the chance that if you went just one more time into the lion's den you'd get what you need and deserve instead of getting bitten.

It's not your fault for hoping things might be better. It's her fault for ruining the chances...

Hugs.

You don't deserve to be treated like that no matter what just like Blue and DW said. It hurt and we have all been there in one way or another just be gentle with yourself as best you can and remember we are here to support you on your journey.

Im so sorry you had a bad experience and those flashback feelings. You are not an idiot, rather you are suffering the powerful, all-encompassing memories of trauma.

I was actually thinking of writing to you today along the lines of, well, realising that your mother was in a way abused as well by her drug-dealer "friend" and if she was off drugs and had that monster out of her life she might well be wanting reconciliation and so on.... but it would be up to you to decide if it would be time. However it seems your mother, although she probably does miss you, doest know how to handle the situation. Caressing your cheek seems rather strange thing to do to an adult son. (Well in some families/situations it could be OK but its not exactly usual behaviour, and in your situation in particular it seems inappropriate). Im not surprised if it felt disgusting. I wasnt sexually or physically abused but it would give me the creeps too if my parents did that.

Someone suggested that the place to meet your mother might be in a therapists office. Theres something to that idea although its not necessarily time for that yet. Your mother is probably screwed up in many ways and needs to address her own problems first. How about you? Are you getting individual therapy? You deserve help in getting over your traumas and the havoc they are causing in your everyday life.
Big Hugs

No one deserves to feel this way! It's perfectly normal to want answers! gentle **hugs**

That's where forgiveness comes in for me. We talk a lot about forgiving our abusers or not, but to me job one re forgiveness is just to forgive ourselves if we feel we were foolish. Surviving family trauma is hard, and we do the best we can.

You do not deserve it, Alex. No one does. She's your mom, and she's meant to be a figure of nurturing and caring.

Soft purrs of support.

I sure wish there was a pain-free way out of the PTSD hole, Alex. Girl howdy, I wish that!!!! Alas... I ain't seen one yet. My own way out has been filled with painful moments like this. It ALWAYS feels like the wrong decision to endure such pain while I am in pain, butttttttaaaaa....

Then comes the relief after the boil is lanced and the healing begins....

Gentle support while you ride the wave, Alex. Healing happens. Hope it happens to you.