You said "he."

Is that part of the problem, y'think ??

Male therapist ??

I could see that making a difficult proposition that much harder.

Yes I have, but there are still some that never crossed my lips. I have finally had the courage and trust to broach the edges of the the two most painfully damaging...but not with my councilor.
It's my guess that it more or less to gauge your reactions to them. If this is a trusted long term councilor> maybe write them out or if you have at one point copy and paste them.
If he is relatively new? where that level of comfort is not yet in place, outline.

I myself can't believe he would push beyond that until you are ready. Because you ultimately will have to walk out of his office with some level of control over the effect. My councilor is blind, so she has to read tones in my voice, which are maybe even more telling than the words. When I get shaky we stop and go into control techniques for my reactions. But little by little we are getting there.

"I have finally had the courage and trust to broach the edges of the the two most painfully damaging...but not with my councilor. "

I found that trust here and by keyboard, not verbal. So a small step.

DavidNRockies: Yes he is male. I did that on purpose ( silly me). I wanted to develop some sort of trusting relationship with a man since i know in my head you guys aren't ALL evil but my heart is afraid. It does make it harder but I have been inching forward. It doesn't help that I have a crush ...I know it is transference but yep...it is all a challenge. He sits side by side with me instead of across from me because i was so uncomfortable with making eye contact of feeling watched. Absolutely no one that knows me would suspect how awkward I am in that office....

Jewells: I have been seeing him since last July. I take my time trusting. He pushes a bit but not too much and honestly he is the first therapist that I have ever felt really worked at connecting with me.

I guess I can see how being able to say it outloud and then looking at how I was feeling when XYZ was happening would be helpful. I have trouble connecting feelings to the events..

Lilly....he has touched on the subject a couple of times. He doesn't push hard but does mention that is something we should talk about sometime. I actually sent him a journal version of my "story" a long time ago. It is just hard to speak the words with all the details. I told him about my face being pressed against bare skin and he asked what was happening while my face was being pressed against bare skin, I couldn't tell him. I actually went blank but I remembered it later.

In my head I know he has my best interest at heart but I have had 2 people ...ummmm....how do I say it???..."get off" on my pain. It destroyed me because they were men I was in a relationships with.

Yes, I have and am glad I did. The fact that my sexual abuse culminated in teen prostitution which ended shortly before I enlisted in the Army might have given me a stronger vocabulary for the early going, but it was still tough. The reason I am glad I did get it out is it helped get me past the paralysis, nightmares and flashbacks. There is a huge diff between talking dirty to a John and reliving your daddy's bloodshot eyes in the night.

It is still far from my favorite topic of conversation, but... I was able to respond to your question and I bet I won't even have any nightmares tonight. May cry a bit, but in my case, that is a good thing. I still bottle my emotions too tight...

Whatever you decide is right for you, Cecil, be brave. Gentle hugs and hopes for healing.

Thanks Arfie. My story is similar. The damage didn't stop at 8 years of age. I went on to make all kinds of choices based on those early experiences and I still do.

Hugs back.

No sexual abuse but sexual assault and when I didn't provide details the counselor accused me of making it all up---

That said, going into details rips me up really bad but a few weeks later I find that I have cried/talked/screamed/sobbed out some stuff that *really* had to go....

Maybe tell your therapist you don't feel ready and that embarrassment is an issue. It's weird, but I asked my tehrapist to jus tnot look at me one time when I was giving some details, and it relaly helped me. I wasn't watching him for "cues". But that's my issue.

Big big hugs and do what you can when you can as you can, if the therapist pushes, you push back and say No Not Yet Please. You hired him. Not the other way around.

Lending you some roar and giving som epurr,
Leo

TW

Yes, I finally discussed the details of my torture with my therapist in 2009. We identified why certain things people do are triggers for me, since Russian roulette was part of my torture. I'd used the general term "torture" in therapy, but he hadn't known about the gun to my temple, sound of gun hammer slamming down when the trigger was pulled, those details. Triggers now when I watch a movie, for example. It was hard to describe, but it helped.

The same went for my rapes. I'd just used the word "rape" in therapy, and he didn't know the details of how I fought off my adult attacker for 2 hours each rape before being taken down as a 10 year old. My therapist went out of his way to give me credit for fighting back, since my mother had me beaten bloody later when she found out about it because she blamed me.

So the details revealed positives for therapy for me.

The anatomical porno details are not the worst for most of us. Those details are easily avoided in daily life.

A light bulb... The click of a gun's hammer... The smell of fertilizer... Bloodshot eyes... A dogmatic turn of phrase... The dropping of ice cubes into a glass... These are among the endless details that trigger and are not easily identified, much less avoided. They can only be brought into personal awareness and managed.

Cecil-

Not surprisingly, I think you got a lot of great answers, here.

[what a great group, huh ?]

I've been dealing with health care (as a patient) for most of my 50 years. One thing I know is: I'm the customer. I'm the patient. I'll consider your advice, but I make the final decisions.

Do I think there can be benefits in going into the details ? Yeah.

But it's all about the patient, the therapist, and ... most of all ... timing.

You call the shots in this relationship. It may not be easy, but if you want to slow it down, or not do certain things ... you have the complete right to ask for, and expect that.

I think I know why *many* therapists want to get down to the nitty gritty. In theory, if and when you can think about it and talk about it, at that level, WITHOUT it turning you into a quivering pile of jello ... well ... that's huge.

But whoever said ... you have to leave their office and BE OKAY ... well .... that's huge, too.

Finding that balance is very hard -- sometimes painful -- but you do have the right to decide where that balance is.

When doctors are done with us, as patients, if there was ANY harm done ... it wasn't done to THEM. It was done to US.

That might be rare, but ...

If you're uncomfortable ... use that brake pedal in the doctor-patient relationship, and ask him to slow it down. All by itself, that can be a really good skill to learn.

Easier said than done, of course :-)

I wish you peace, health, and strength :-)

This is a great group and you all gave some great answers. I have had this fear that he was asking me about the details because of some perverted reason. I know in my head he isn't but there is still that fear. I am glad to know that it isn't unusual for a therapist to ask those questions and it is good to know that it could be helpful (when i am ready) When he asked me what was happening when my face was being pressed into the bare stomach and I said i didn't know he accepted that answer.... he didn't hound me. He has said that to get past some of my issues it would be helpful to talk about those things I am ashamed of. I guess maybe it is like keeping a secret. Secrets grow and take on a life of their own.

I subscribe to the notion that we are only as sick as our secrets. Don't need to be a compulsive truth teller, either. Balance in all things.

Give it the ol' soft chew. You will know when the time is right.

I can usually only do that in writing. Why don't you ask your therapist if you can write it down if that is easier for you.

Speaking about the abuse is very very intense and it also quite exhausting. I am very tired every time I recall and describe past abuse.

Thinking about going to sleep early tonight because of that. But then I get "Stuck" in this group and I really like it. Because it is so nice to talk with all of you guys.