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The Body Keeps the Score

SplitScreen
SplitScreen

So...."The Body Keeps the Score" is the name of this book I've been reading on PTSD. It's really good. Lots of "OMGosh that's me, moments"...like the author "knows" me. Lots of science and research to back it all up. I eat that shite up.


I think though it's bringing up some old wounds and memories. Not really memories. Just flashes. It bothers me so much that I have virtually no childhood memories. Not good ones. It's all blank for the most part. My doc said it's a built in survival mechanism. But now I need to remember some so I can do the work to heal. 


I've felt super panicky with major anxiety the last few weeks. More so than my regular old anxiety that tags along all the time.


It's been work, reading this book. Work for my mind which is triggering visceral reactions in my body. It's important work, but not without cost. I'm trying so hard to improve the quality of my life. I'm not living. Nothing really moves me. I'm afraid to have feelings really as they will be the wrong ones for the situation. Overreacting vs under reacting type of thing. No middle. I need a middle. More balance. No more fight or flight or freeze modes...or fawning...well, none would be unrealistic. I'm shooting for less. Much less!


So it turns out that lately, I've been noticing my heart racing for no reason (other than the general anxiety and uneasiness I always carry around)...meaning there aren't triggers). I have this feeling of impending doom. And suicidal ideation coupled with an undercurrent of depression. So I went to my doc.


He put me on a new med. It took me 3 days to fill the prescription. Why? I was hesitant to take it. Why? I can't even explain that. I'm on several meds already for bipolar and PTSD. What's one more right?


I guess I just needed to share. I'm really struggling. Thanks for reading. 


Oh and my husband who has epilepsy has been sick for a month with debilitating headaches. That's a whole other post....


I just read through this whole post. I'm all over the dang place. Awesome. I'm just gonna hit "post" and hope you all get through it. 

donnawanda
donnawanda
I was reading that book "The Body Keeps Score" but had to stop because just reading about the mounting costs over a lifetime was getting me down. I stopped before I got to the good news - how to heal it all. I will pick it up again at some point. I have also been having anxiety lately, which is new for me - I used to be prone to depression, not anxiety.

I don't know if this will be helpful to you, but if I remember to think about it this way, it's probable that the fear belongs to some dissociated "part" or inner child. Just yesterday I was feeling anxious and thanks to Lilly Potter's post about "fear" I remembered to think about my inner children and remind them that we are all safe now. I find it helpful to talk to myself, or to the parts of me that carry the fear from events of long ago, and assure them that we are safe now. The same goes for the suicidal feelings - whatever brought those feelings about, whether you can remember it or not, you know that it belongs to the past and to circumstances you are safe from now.

Anyway, if nothing else, you know that you are not alone.
SplitScreen
SplitScreen
Thanks donna. I thought that too about putting the book down. But as you said, I'm to the "here's what to do about it part". Thank gawd. What you are saying makes sense. I must have missed Lilly's post. I'm going to go find it.
Community LeaderLeo
Leo
My therapist said not to read the book until I'm more "stable" in my progress in therapy. I see why, now. Still,g ood to know it's not just... y'know... imagi ary.
Zoe
Zoe
I read the same book. It was very difficult for me too. Congratulations on just finishing it. It's quite an accomplishments. If you're like me you'll refer back to the book often. Even if it's just to remember you're not alone and there is hope.
SplitScreen
SplitScreen
Interesting your therapist said that, Leo! Whoa! I'm lucky I didn't end up in the hospital. For real.
Doo
Doo
My situation (s) are a little different. I had a breakdown in oh, hm, 2004? I think it was the pressures of everything going on in my life with work and family. Mom went batty. Anyway, I had that impending feeling of doom and anxiety all the time. It took a long time to get through and a lot of medication for years. I finally found a doctor who dx'd me with PTSD. He explained the anxiety I feel 'now' is most likely the fight or flight response, my body shutting down and the mind protecting itself after knowing how to do it from previous traumas. It worked then so the brain thinks it will work now and has no control over it. It is a programmed response. I totally agree it has to do with a part and our brains way of protecting it. I have had many other trauma's but for some reason that one causes that part of it..."overreacting vs underreacting type of thing" is from a childhood of bullying for me and it took the right doctor to figure that out with. I never put the two and two together for why I run or overreact. It is good to know where it is coming from and I hope you get there. Yesterday I wish I would have caught myself doing the fawning. I always feel like I need to fix things even when it is impossible if that makes sense? I try to bring myself to the realization of why it is actually happening but its not always in the moment.

What helps me, when I see it happening lol, is to step back and breath or get busy. I thought I would share my story so as DW says , you are not alone..
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
I've been diagnosed since 1995, and over time I've seen how PTSD is related to my overall health, including in side effects from medication. It sounds like I need to check out this book, huh?
arfie
arfie
I pretty much quit reading the self-help books on my own. I sure have gotten myself in allot of trouble with them. My head is not a safe neighborhood to travel alone. I am way too vulnerable the power of suggestion and the various psychoses which have me reaching for help in the first place. In addition, rushing my healing process has a way of re-opening old wounds faster than my mind and body can heal them, creating new wounds/trauma in the process.

But that is me, just a patient. Not fit for publication.

Continued support while you find what works for you, Split. Be patient with the process and know you are most definitely NOT alone.
jewells1
jewells1
..and then here I am studying the causes and affects...to understand so I know how to counteract the reactions. The book is good if you are ready and have some support. But breaking reactionary habits is not an instant thing. If I had not had the support here, I couldn't do what I do there (in classes). I still get rocked but it's getting easier to steady again.
brockblack
brockblack
I read a similar book called Childhood Disrupted, it sounds like the author wrote in a similar way. She started up by opening old wounds and then ended with treatment options. SplitScreen one technique I've heard that will help you remember and eventually release your stored pain from childhood is EMDR, you'll need to find a professional who can administer it.

"Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a fairly new, nontraditional type of psychotherapy. It's growing in popularity, particularly for treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD often occurs after experiences such as military combat, physical assault, rape, or car accidents." I'd add, childhood abuse!

It involves moving your eyes rapidly to trigger something similar as what happens in REM sleep. I guess that helps trigger memory centers in the brain.

When I read Childhood Disrupted, while it ripped the scabs off some old wounds it was actually empowering. It made me realize that I am normal when taking what happened to me in context. I actually found it empowering. It means we don't have to let the bullshit and pain from our past dictate our future!

It wasn't easy but I went from a crack house, to a calm house. From being poor, angry, depressed, to being grateful, semi-smart, and occasionally even happy. And guys, you know that's an accomplishment.

Your demons don't have to sabotoge your future, you can defeat them!
LillyPotter
LillyPotter
that being said, it is good (emdr) for some people and for some traumas - really really good. it was not good for me. it brought up too much, too quickly and i was overwhelmed with it - how did someone put it? someone worded it so well one time.

i love that emdr is a tool we have that works fabulously for some of us - in the hands of an expert - that's also important.
i got flooded, i think that was how the person worded it. anyway : ) we can win, we can gain ground and learn tools to help us.
LillyPotter
LillyPotter
oh, heck - i was in the prep mode when i got flooded. i should not blame it on emdr, apologies.
LillyPotter
LillyPotter
also, i feel, like my body has been keeping the score this whole time - all the years of trauma have their stories to tell in my health now.
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