This is something that probably gonna bite me in the ass but eh I need to organise it out to feel better and just get it out there. So I'm currently 17 years old. And let me just say it's be not so good. I can say for certain I have had the life NO 17 year old would want. Or really a life anyone would want. But let me clarify, I'm far happier than I have been in a long time. So with that, let's organise my thoughts and my past and why I'm even talking about this. By the way this talks about sex a lot because that became quite important.

At 6 my dad began to touch me in a no no place. I obviously didn't like it, but figured it was his way to show love to me. So I unfortunately took it for roughly 2 years. It really stopped after my brother finished the deed and raped me. His 8 year old sister. He was 14. So that's that. My nightmares are far less consistent thanks to therapy, but my anxiety is still quite high. This also led to a low sex drive, but that later.

My parents got divorced in 2009 I think and my dad took all the money and left with my brother trailing behind. Leaving me, my mom and my dog alone. We ended up in a hotel for about a year where we ended up on the streets for about a week before my grandpa found out and brought us in. We finally had enough money to start anew in a new state. The great state of Maine. Great state. I met my real first friends in middle school and was starting to figure out just who I was. That's where the next couple problems arise.

I, identify as bi and therefore I like both men and women. Preferably women. But my mom had a different set of ideals and stuff about who I was. She had expectations  about me that just didn't fit and thus I began to hate myself. Especially for the fact that I also liked girls as well as guys. And I did something I completely regret. There was an older boy at my school named KC (fake for obvious reasons lol) he was a sophomore in high school and I was an 7th grader so what we did wasn't illegal. (This thing lasted for about 2 years. It started when I was in 7th and finished when I was a freshman)

This is what I really wanted to talk about in this. So let's start.

KC came up to me January 10, 2014 (I think that's the year) on our bus and just struck up conversation. I didn't think it was weird, I mean we all knew each other, we kinda grew up with each other in a sense. But he was a new kid so I wanted to be friendly. He was really nice. And he asked me if I wanted to get ice cream with him. I said sure and we set up an arrangement. Sat the 11. We met up, he bought me chocolate chip ice cream and he got mint (I remember everything about our time together so vividly) we walked the footbridge together and continueed to talk. About a month after that he kissed me. And I kissed back. I mean how could I not. He made me feel good. February 8 he took me to his place and we made out. This is where it gets kinda eh. I told him that I think I might like girls as well. He said he could change that. After a long conversation about what he could and couldn't do, we had sex. Why? I was trying to repress a lot of feelings, including fear of sex and my feelings towards girls. It was rather as my generation puts it "vanilla". Time went on and we decided to break it off. But at this point I was desprdespto get rid of my feelings about girls. So I blurted out "what if we were just fuck buddies instead?" And I remember his eyes went from the pretty brown they usually were to almost a black. And he spoke so differently. And I remember he said "are you sure you want that? Because if you do, you can't back out." And I agreed. And thus began the two years of both good and bad feelings. At first it was very mild, ya know normal things. Then he brought in some other things. Things like toys, and ropes and cuffs and things just got worse. Granted it wasn't always bad, it often felt good and stuff. But the fact is, I was....I was under his control. Anything I did in this now toxic relationship was dictated by his needs. If he wanted anal he got anal. I still have a scar on my chest from when he tried knife play and he pushed a bit too hard. But that was it, he was my ruler. I had to ask permission for anything I did. And while some of it was enjoyable, it got to the point where he decided it was okay to do it after school in school, record it, whatever. And at one point I threaten to stop this because it was getting too rough and painful. And he had something on me. Something of me. A full video of him doing his thing on me. And he said "if I tried to leave this he's post it on porn hub." Scared of ruining my reputation as the good girl/student I agreed to continue but no more certain things. He agreed and it was less rough. About a month or so into my freshman year I found out I was moving. And I told him. He got mad at me and posted the video to porn hub and I ended our contract. The video has since been taken down after I contacted them and told them we were underage and they took it down. I honestly don't know what's more horrifying, the fact that some of the students in my old school saw the video or the fact that the video has over 50k views. So that's that past. Can I say I'm fully over it? Absolutely not. I have dreams of being in his room. I still remember the kisses we had. Full of love and hatred. And 100% full of passion. 

Anyway one of the reasons I'm writing this is because there's a girl I like and she has noticed that a lot of my story doesn't add up. It's honestly embarrassing to talk about my past, especially to someone I like. And she has been asking for more information on my past. And honestly I don't know what to do. Do I tell her the whole story from 2006-2016? Or do I make smup some story, or? Idk.

The other reason is because I got a text from KC saying he was currently heading to Florida because he transferred colleges and asked if I wanted to meet up with him which brought back a whirlwind of emotions. And not good ones. I blocked him but I'm still terrified. And don't want to go back obviously. He hasn't talked to me since I blocked him but it definitely brought back the hatred I felt towards myself. Just...idk HELP!!

Shu-