All I can say Thor is used some coping skills when you go to this meeting if you can like practice deep breathing when you both speak about things that is very sensitive to you I am so sorry you have to go through this and relive all the events all the time. Maybe tell her that you should just do a little at a time so it's not so painful for you. I know it's hard to talk about things that we don't want to but sometimes getting it out maybe you could look at it as something you speak about and it's out of your mind forever and will never come back if you can departmentalize if that's the word I'm trying to say if it's right like once you say it it's out there and you don't have to speak of it again and it won't hurt you if you could think that way for coping skills. I also learned that if there was painful things that make a mental box in your mind and put those thoughts and feelings in that mental box and lock it for good. Big hugs

I get a little bit of a reprieve... she is stuck in traffic. So she’ll be late like usual. I’m the first patient but she has never started on time. That bugs me a lot. I can be here on time but she can’t.

I do not want to think about theses PTSD experiences. Those are locked in a tight box and I don’t want it to start to slither out.

She cannot force you Thor and you shouldn't allow yourself to be forced sweetie...… This should happen on your schedule not hers

Tears can be really cathartic though.... Letting go what you've been holding onto so tightly is what is going to help you to heal

Gentle hug while you work it out.....xo

Thanks. Tears were part of today's session. She dug at the wound and no I didn't want to realize the damage it had done to me. Good session once it was done.

"Boys don't cry" was the law laid down by my mom in our house when I was a missionary kid growing up in a war zone overseas, Thor. My dad was always traveling doing missions work in the country's interior, leaving me at age 9 to be the man of the house when the 6 year civil broke out in the capital where we lived.

I've written here that it took me 12 years of weekly therapy to start talking about the real trauma I had stuffed down deep inside. I talk here every chance I get about the car bombing I survived at the war's outset when I was 9. My therapist told me "repetition brings mastery" so I repeat myself here now all I can.

But talking about it the first time took 12 years. Week after week I passed on opening up to my therapist. Then I'd write that copay check and do it again next week. Obviously, I wanted to talk but I was scared it would kill me if I ever did, there was so much bottled up there.

You're ahead of me, Thor, so give yourself lots of credit. Open up at your own pace, though, therapists can wait. They waited 12 years for me. Be gentle and patient with yourself, learning to cry is hard for guys like us.

Sounds like you made it through Thor. Maybe next time you can mention the Locking box mechanism and see what she says.

I understand, I hope you are proud of yourself because it’s sounds like you were really brave.
Sending support & a hug <3

Thor, it was hard work to share the traumas, some of which were buried so deep that I needed some to come out before the worst ones appeared. It took time for the tears to come as the walls were thick and well fortified. We were born with all the emotions. No way to delete them. Words have power. Let this process continue as the healing happens. Hugs.

Thanks to all. My second weekly session (this still seems like a scam) is in 30 min. I am sure she will dig again. I cried a little and that was a first but it was not the full torrent that I know is in their lurking. I can't lose control.

You're welcome. I hope you're okay today hope you can take it easy and rest big hugs and have a good weekend.

I am taking it easy. Hypomania right now and has been so for about three days. but this is hypo and not full total bat shit crazy mania like last time. I think the ECT and drugs have mellowed me out. I can survive with the mild bat shit crazy of hypomania.

Excellent to hear you're taking it easy, man. Good for you, Thor. Mellowing is a-ok when it comes to this stuff.

Crying is good thing. Implement a anger management way of thinking especially if you got good accountable and isn't afraid to lose control. Male or female it can be freeing especially if you also cry it out.....


just a statement not based on anything trying to be helpful

Thinking of you again today as the week begins, Thor.

Muji - thanks. I’m in a hospital bed all wired up for ECT in the Next few minutes.