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Super sad...

SwimBack2031
SwimBack2031

I was really having such a good day today. I was doing really well with self care: feeding myself, getting myself to school, and even swimming this morning (which is a HUGE deal). And then I had to sit in a class which just happened to cover a topic today that was WAY too triggering for me. I had to excuse myself and leave, and as soon as I was alone I flashed....


I felt so so happy this morning and now I am just completely devistated. Like what a tease!? I still feel like I am being held hostage by these memories since this memory dump just over a month ago.... well quite honestly - new ones are still dwindling in now... I had another new one yesterday, which I am not going to lie, absolutely broke my heart and sucker punched me. I have never EVER felt as small as I did yesterday when I remembered that... and I have remembered a lot.


So now I am stuck in my apartment (trigger) to try and self soothe this deep, deep sadness away. I really really am praying that I dont have another flash because I had so many yesterday and all I need is a break.... just a small break. Please....

arfie
arfie
Am I outrageous to wonder if the good start to your day WAS a small break? A preview of the relief ahead? I.F. I'm not being too outrageous, perhaps I can go on to hope that the next break will be a bit longer and the next longer still, etc., until you one day look back and realize that healing has happened.

And if I am being too outrageous? ? ? Forgiveness, please? ? ?

Hope you get your small break soon.
Nooy
Nooy
I really hope you can find that break you need and deserve.

It may sound trivial, and it will feel like it won't help right now, but I'm glad you wrote that you were doing well and being happy this morning. It's really important to vocalize moments like that out loud, because in bad times like you're feeling now, it can feel like it will never, ever end.

So I'll join you in your apartment, and we'll think together on how these feelings made way before, to give you this happy morning. They will make way again.

Hope you can manage some more self-care. Tea? Blanket fort? Picking spring flowers? Many hugs of support.
SwimBack2031
SwimBack2031
Arfie, never too outrageous. You are totally right, this morning was in fact a small break I had completely overlooked. I guess i had been in so much pain before the pain now just seemed like a continuation of what I was feeling before my small break. Thank you for pointing it out. I am sad that the happiness didn't last a little longer, but at least I felt it right? hugs hugs hugs (((((arfie)))))

Nooy, already on the blanket and tea xxx I always always always try to appreciate the good even when everything seems bad, and even though it doesn't feel like it helps sometimes, I am convinced the recognition builds up over time and will contribute eventually to the overall recognition of life gratitude. In other words, saying that you are glad I wrote I was doing well does help.... a lot actually. Hugs (((((Nooy))))) thank you for sitting with me xxx
donnawanda
donnawanda
Someone reminded me yesterday that just being willing to feel what we're feeling is the work we need to do. And maybe when you feel that sadness arising from the childhood incident, you feel like that child, trapped in the situation forever. But I hope that feeling the sadness is also releasing some portion of it. These are things I have to be reminded of all the time because my lifetime reflex is to "make the bad feelings go away" but maybe just being able to fully feel them is a great gift and a big step towards freedom.
SwimBack2031
SwimBack2031
(((((donnawanda))) i think you are so very right... i think i that is all I can do - safely try to feel what I feel. thank you hugs xxxxx
nancy6464
nancy6464
Sitting back and being proud, watching you grow~ triple pain vanquishing hugs and support.
LillyPotter
LillyPotter
nodding my head and grateful to learn from being one of your witnesses, (((Swim)))
arfie
arfie
?!?!? Never too outrageous ?!?!? is that a challenge? Something like waving a red flag at a love-crazed bull?
warrior2
warrior2
In my experience, the triggers come right when you are sometimes most able to handle them, this being in your case right after having a good morning. I agree with Arfie that the bright spot is that you are healing which is why you had a good morning and subsequently were then able to process your trigger and flash. You also recognized the need to reach out and that you need self-care, all of this points to a mind that is heading towards strength. I feel your pain, but I also see your light, shine on sweet swimmer, we feel ya!
SwimBack2031
SwimBack2031
((((nancy)))))

((((((lilly)))) made me smile

haha arfie you made me smile thank you friend hugs xxxx

Thank you warrior hugs hugs hugs trying hard to work all he tools ((((warrior))))
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Not much I can add to such great comments and observations, SwimBack, just wanting to say I know how you feel. Glad you had a great morning, sorry you were triggered to sadness after it, but it sounds like your coming here for support is helping you make use of it for healing. Good for you!
lilmissy7
lilmissy7
(((Swim)))) so many good responses that I agree with on this post. I’m glad you reached out. I’m sorry for your trigger & the sadness it bring. I hope at this very moment you are doing okay & kind find a spot of comfort this evening
Sending you support & gentle hugs <3
littlegirl413
littlegirl413
Not much more I can add except to say that you are heard. Hope you find peace and healing. hugs
eli_mom
eli_mom
Hi- How are you today, I hope you are feeling better.
I pray for peace and you will overcome the sadness that you are going through right now. I hope things will be alright.

Keep us posted and thank you for sharing. Take, God bless.
cjpfaz
cjpfaz
I think it was great you did all that. Sorry you got triggered.
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