Welcome and I'm sorry for your loss. The same compulsion to hide what hurts often causes more pain than sharing. We are here share what you like.
Hugs J.

Such a tremendously terrible burden, and having contemplated that seemingly ultimate solution as well makes it even sadder. Time is the only thing that will serve to separate this tragedy from your memories. Albeit never totally but I’ll pray this memory becomes less and less prominent for you.

Hello Ladybug. Welcome to the forum. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I hope you aren't being too quick to assume the folks who wanted to support you have abandoned you. Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is back off and give the sufferer time to process at his/her own pace and that's a mind ripping lot to process.

Welcome aboard, Ladybug. Hope you find healing companionship here.

Hi. Welcome.

Wish I could make it better, but best I can do is reassure you that you can share here, in safety, as much or as little as you wish. Supportive vibes to you.

During my late teenage years, I would come home sometimes to find my father after failed suicide attempts. I have no idea how traumatizing what you have experienced is.

Try and let people in, it sounds like you have begun to shut down. Therapy is a great avenue for help, talking to friends and learning to find peace for yourself in healthy pursuits. I know what I am saying must sound terribly frustrating or just repeated. Hang in there, it gets better. Try and connect with those family members again, they are most likely hurting as you are and they may not know how to process this, just like you.

((ladybug)) welcome. I'm so sorry you had to have this painful experience. Yes, here with us, write it all out. there is almost always someone around. I'm glad you are doing therapy and seeking additional support. At this time, painful times it is easy to forget to take care of you. make sure you try to stay aware ,throughout this horrible experience , of your needs. care for yourself triple hugs
write it out if you can, all the feelings all the facts so it doesn't fester inside and eat away at you.

Welcome to the group, share as you feel comfortable, there's never an obligation to explain anything.

Patti

Yes, I agree with Patti22 and just realized how it may have sounded in my reply. you don't have to share HERE anything you don't want to.

I myself have been having a difficult time this past week and it wasn't until I started to let stuff out in writing that I started to move from a high panic state to one where I can function better. most of what I've written is in private journal for myself. i only share on here what I can.

I should have explained that better. I think I just wanted you to know that it really does help.

Thank you Patti for making that clear.
See that is another great reason for us all to share with each other. sometimes you know what you mean but when you say it, well you are the only one who ends up knowing what you mean. more souls shed more light~

and I'll take the light over the darkness that has shrouded my life every day of the week..

Oh Nancy, my comments weren't directed at you at all...I hadn't even read the other posts.

Sorry...

My best friend in high school was there when his mom shot and killed his dad in their house. I came along soon after; his house was on my way to school.

There's no way to describe it.

What good came of it was that even though we couldn't describe it in words to anyone else who wasn't there, we had each other through the next 3 years his mom was on trial and then sent to prison.

So we're here for you. I, too, am sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you found us. You're not alone here.

Losing a parent is extremely hard, I lost my dad nov last year, so I know that aspect of it is hard within itself. My sister and mom saw it all happen and I see a difference between them and my brother and I. Like deer in the headlights when it comes up. It's earth shattering I can only imagine. Throwing on the feelings of the passing being a choice is bound to cause many different conflicting feelings all mushed up into one brain...chaos no matter what walk of life you come from. One feeling at a time is the only thing I want to say to you. Don't let the thoughts run a train on your already trying time. Sitting alone with them can scar you in ways unimaginable so I really hope you can get in more time with a therapist and keep coming here and sharing in doses that feel ok with you, or a support group in your community. Safety in numbers is absolutely true for all people suffering with traumas, theres comfort in numbers...not that we are happy someone else endured pain but that we aren't alone with our pain. Welcome to the group and I'm so very sorry for why you're here but I'm glad you found us.

(((patti)))

no worries Patti, i was grateful that your post brought clarity to my tired sleep deprived brain so that i could correct me eager presentation to help before it pressurized somebody else. I dread being pressured so i really hate if i do it to others.

i really was just thanking you. i think sometimes that God brings people along behind just to make me aware so I can fix whatever I might have broken.

triple hugs

Hi all. Thank you for your kind words it has really touched me. Also thank you for sharing your stories.
I ended up reaching out more to family and got a lot of my negativity out. I managed to go for a walk today and keep going even with some of the loud noises. I didn’t go into a panic attack.

Big hug for you sweetie..... I am so very sorry for your loss and having this horrific experience.....

This is a good board..... I'm glad that you're here......xo

i cant relate to losing a parent, but my son's father killed himself in late 2003. So i do relate to feeling alone with the experience. No one who hasn't experienced it can possibly understand. It's so very soon after the trauma. I remember going onto the internet and googling information on suicide and cremation and trying to connect with anyone i possibly could who could understand how i felt. i still can't describe it. its like my whole world was a different color. I couldn't imagine if the suicide that I was trying to handle was that of a parent. I am so, so sorry.
It helped me immensely to talk to people who were similarly situated. Just to know that what you must be feeling is normal given the circumstances. and to get hope that one day the pain will subside and that you will be able to live a normal, happy life.
I, too, lost many friends. some because they found my grief too difficult. Others because I resented their lack of sensitivity and empathy. I put myself into a bubble. Try not to do that.