This is the National Suicide Hotline. 1-800-273-8255 Please put it in your phone. I have been where you are. It will get better. And it is better to be inpatient in the hospital and alive if you have to choose. I know it seems like an awful place to be though.

In the past I had dealt with my feelings by calling a friend, going for a walk, praying (a lot), writing things I am grateful for, looking through old pictures when I was happier, listening to positive, uplifting music.

I wish you the best. Please reach out to SOMEONE. Your life has meaning and purpose even if you can't see it right now. And don't be afraid to be admitted to the hospital if needs be.

Most PTSD folks have this ideation at times.

Understand it as a symptom, a symptom of emotional despair that needs to be treated. The problem comes if someone becomes confused and thinks its an option instead of an internal cry for help.

With therapy the ideation will become less frequent and be easier to see through. Meantime, try and keep yourself actively engaged in something neutral or positive (household chores or etc. Avoid self-isolating. And if necessary call the suicide hot line, or call 911 or get yourself to an Emergency Room if you feel like you are losing control.

My experience has been that what I felt and thought when at my worst was merely my mental state right then, and with treatment and my own determination the despair has been dialed down to a great degree and life is beginning to look good again. We learn to manage if not eliminate symptoms.

Today's feelings are not forever feelings. It will get better - remind yourself of that.

The best to you.

In my personal experience, I was convinced I would never make it to my 30's because I would kill myself by then...just due to the sheer prevalence of daily suicidal thoughts. But, again, just my personal experience, it dawned on me eventually that:

1- of course with my life history I am going to have such thoughts

2- I am not " crazy"- I am having normal reactions to crazy events

3- just because I'm thinking these thoughts does not mean that I actually have any desire to kill myself

and

4-if there is no urge happening along with such thoughts, then they are harmless and only distress me if I worry and ruminate on them

These are the thoughts I've replaced my ideations with, and have really helped me. Again, just my personal experience. I have not struggled with strong urges as much as frequent ideations. It was helpful for me to learn to differentiate between the two.

The times I've really had urges, I've found that I can't think myself out of them, and have to behave my way out. Instead of trying to correct or alter my thinking, I will choose a behavior to keep me safe and busy until the urge passes, such as calling a friend (even if I didn't say why), going for a walk or run, cleaning, something that involves my senses and that I physically experience, to get myself out of my head.

So basically, for me,, even if I have these thoughts, I'm fine, it's normal, anybody would have them given my history, and they don't mean anything, so no need to worry. For urges, get moving and they will pass before I know it.

This is what I still use....hope there is something helpful in there...

I think it is very common. I just recently had a go with this and as a result I am now back on meds and will be for the rest of my life. It was explained to me that once you have had 1 go with depression, you are 50% likely it will happen again. A second go with depression and the chance it will return is 75%. A third go and it is 100% you will get it again. Three strikes for me and meds for life.

You need help. This is not something you can stop on your own. Please make an appointment to see your doctor and be honest. They cannot help you if you don't ask.

Wishing you well.

I thank you all for your reply. Of all there is to it, from the violence in the past and the PTSD, the suicidal ideation is the hardest part of it. I came to understand the PTSD. From the flashbacks, the dissociation, the panic and the pain.. It all has a reason. But the suicidal ideation... is against ME.

As long as I keep breathing I should be alright, though.

There are a number of common post traumatic reactions that are not pro-self: like self-blame, self-isolation, survivor guilt, negative self-talk. Human nature seems to contain an element of 'blame the victim' and we therefore have counterproductive reactions and blame ourselves in someways, and suicidal ideation is another form of misplaced self punishment.

You are right, as long as there is breath there is possibility for a better future.

You have been given a lot of really good input in response to your post, and I hope you are able to take part of it to heart.

This WILL get better.

I kinda agree with Annie. At least that's how it was for me.

The thought was so often it was basically compulsive. It was really the only thought in my head every waking second of the day. I had to FIGHT. I mean seriously FIGHT against that thought. Every single time it came up I had to immediately tell myself out loud & in a firm voice - I do not want to die. I want to live. Usually that would help for about half a second until I was struggling again & had to say it again: I do not want to die. I want to live. Over & over & over again I would say it out loud. After 2 weeks, I could write it down on paper & eventually got to where I could just say it in my head. Now I barely have the thought at all.

We want you here in this world with us & I believe that you really want to be here too. So keep fighting those urges & shut those thoughts down the moment they pop up. And I will pray that you get hooked up with a therapist very, very soon.

Stay strong & keep posting here.

Gheel: you described it very well. It IS a severe fight and struggle. Harder than any other struggle I've been in. Difficult to understand too. You've been where I am. Often compulsive, indeed.

I am looking forward to the coming therapy but it will take some more weeks (waiting list). I really do not want to spoil that by ending up in a hospital, so I will find my way to get through it. It is hard though to find the right instruments to beat it. Might be different for each of us too. A bit a pity it seems still such a taboo.

In my experience, as long as we struggle and fight, we are still on the good side. That struggle is our will to live. I tried several things to find some relief but it seems I need something new each time. At the moment I try the "it is their fault, not mine" strategy. It seems the right idea to turn the anger towards myself into anger towards them. Very, very hard to do.

I thank you for your kind words and your prayers. I sure can use that because after all, yes, I really want to be in this world too.

So sorry you have to wait for therapy. It seems all too prevalent for those of us who need immediate help. I struggle with those same suicidal thoughts very often. I have even attempted it a few times. One thing I have learned, though, is when it gets out of control I go to the ER and recieve immediate help. If it gets really bad, go to the ER, they really do care, and they will help you.

I want it to end.

That is a natural enough reaction to flashbacks, et al. Even healthy.

Alas, in the thought loops of PTSD, that healthy reaction morphs all to easily to euphemisms of suicide. I try to morph "IT" back to the dysfunction.

I want the dysfunction to end.
I want to heal.

rbth: I am only since awhile in this.. I hope I am not going to learn it the hard way and are really trying to prevent that. But so far the ER is not an option. In time it might be.

arfie: that really suits me. I like the idea it is a natural or even healthy reaction and solvable. It can be turned around. I am going to get there too although the solution, the healing, as much as possible, might be a different process for each of us.

Hi Netien: Whenever this may have come along, I get a funny book (the one "Sh*t My Father Says" is hilarious) and I stop to get something yummy to eat, then go to the local park and I read in the car while I eat. The man made lake in front of me has blue herons, ducks, geese and some cranes and it is so pleasant. Then I find myself laughing out loud reading whatever book.

It's how I can lift myself up at a moment when I am down, or when I might be dangerously down. Many, many hugs--and you'll laugh out loud with the book above.

AsTimeGoesBy: Oh, I recognize that.. I spent quite some sleepless nights watching for example Mr. Bean video's. Humor, indeed!, is a great help. "The Funniest Home Video's" always standby in case I've no concentration for anything else left too. But it can go beyond all that.

https://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Netien,

Along the lines of recognizing the ideation as just a symptom of pain, life gave me a great wake-up call years ago.

I was commuting to work at 5:00 am, was in the midst of a divorce and while putting peddle to the metal going about 80 in the fast lane I was also bawling my eyes out and thinking how horrible everything was and I wished I were dead. THEN, someone reckless cut me off and nearly forced me into the center divide. My spontaneous reaction: I yelled at the other driver: "Hey you jerk, what are you trying to do kill me?" Then realized how foolish my other previous line of thought was. It was really a wake up call for me- I realized how my dumpy emotional state was completely superficial compared to my actual will to live. The incident called my bluff. Ever since then I have understood the difference between despair based thoughts and my underlying love of life.

I agree with Arfie, we all get tired of emotional pain but what we really want is just to heal!

And I applaud you on your insight.

letitbe3: That is a very nice story you have there. I should memorize it and use it in one of my bad moments.

I do agree deeply: what we really want is to heal.