I too was punished for thinking or feeling and i'd better not ask or state the way i felt or i'd be first yelled at and then given the silent treatment for months (literally) months..........

When i've tried to go back to school i have so many triggers is like my mind goes into a block and i get very angry....Iike it did then..

I was told over and over i did not deserve anything....
Its really amazing how those mesages have played a huge impact on my life....I mean logically i understand they are just the messages by some very crazy, cruel, ignorant people....

But its like my internal wiring still responds to the trauma in the same way.

I have soo many triggers around learning in a school setting.

Yes achievement puts some people off, though it attracts others to us.

My experience is that any sort of change shakes up my social world. Whether I climb up or fall down their will be the folks that heckle or turn away and the folks who move closer to partner w/ me in success or lend me a hand when I'm down. Of course major reversal of fortune tends to clear out the peanut gallery pretty quick.

When I got married it caused me to lose and gain friends, same thing with pregnancy, divorce, illness, professional success. Maybe it's just a testament to how tenuous many relationships are- or at least it's that way in my world.

Getting heckled for being smart or successful is just one verse of the ongoing song. And I would rather endure that than peoples' reactions to trouble.

Our success is for us alone. Don't use lack of universal glad tidings as an excuse to avoid it.

Often fear of success is also grounded in discomfort with imagined pressure to continue to be successful, the work that might be involved. Sometimes fear of success is really fear of failure.

How fitting for this day in my journey, I understand this whole heartedly. I have been searching for this missing part of the equation this whole week. I see how all my life that I was gifted from the day I was born, I believe that my intelligence was threatening to my family, so the only defense they had was to beat me down. Literally at times, and now I am seeing why. I believe that I am a very talanted man and am naturally sucessful, I just have this in me. I am grateful for that, I never used to believe this because up until this past week I have been bombarded by thoughts of feeling less than. No matter where I go, I know that I excell rapidly in learning something new. The men that see this are threatened and insecure about themselves by this and thier only defense is to use thier power or authority to bully me or lie to me or tell lies about me to make me look bad, it is so sad that they do this, cowardly as well. I am not one to put someone down, I believe that they think I am because they would do that. So I have removed myself from those people and started self employment. This is good in that it has given me a chance to see myself for one and to educate myself on my issues. I learned that I was not able to see the lies and slights, the bullying, my mind was conditioned at a young age to be blind to this, what a fucking crock of shit. Now I can see it and It will not happen again, I know as I become successful in my new venture I will attract more people that want to see me fail, I am preparing for that and will be ready. I am terrified of these conflicts, and I see that when a person is gifted and talented they become targets of a jealous person. I thank my dad for teaching me that I was worthless and much more than that to be so insecure that I allowed people to walk all over me, even when I held all the talants in my hands, what a bunch of fucking idiots in my family. Arfie thank you for bringing this up, I am grateful to you and I hope that you can find what you need to be that successful person that is born in you, and the best part is no one in this world has what you have inside of you, Shine on my friend!

Well all of you seem like the quote from Bertanrd Russel that states something like the world is the way it is because fools are so sure of themselves and intelligent people so full of doubt...lol


Personally i think it requires to have a certain amount of intelligence to NOt become an abuser even as a child...I think intelligent children end up with PTSD, CPTSD, DID, BP, BPD and i think less intelligent children just imitate the abusers..

If you think bout it DID for ex is a brilliant way of "coping" with abuse.I think is what children with more complex brains do......

If i was to say wha intelligence is i would say it would have to encompass a well rounded level of both comprehension, problem solving abilities and common sense...

If someone is very rigid in their views i think they may be clever, smart but they lack intelligence....

I'm not sure of my IQ probably normal...I only have 6th grade education....and did a GED recently............I did have exeptional good memory as a child...But i was not a "A" student..

I've been told by the docs that see me that i'm intelligent....
I don't think so...i mean i have been on my own practically since i'm 13 so i have a lot of life experience that is what i think they think is intelligence......

lovin' #4 in particular

and this post is great as well! yes I feel that there are people out there that can't stand for other people to be happy. because they are unhappy. and will always be unhappy. and they know this. they have to shoot others down for a short-term high. they're paTHEtic!

Wow this rings so true of me. I cannot tell you how many good jobs I have had and then I self-destruct. I agree I am fear success. I am so use to being a screw up that it has become a comfortable spot for me. I come to expect bad things to happened and sometimes I think I create the unsuccessful outcome.

I posted elsewhere that I was the smart kid in my family. I was 2 years ahead in school by 10th grade, in my doctoral program I won a national Fulbright scholarship, everything in between. And I paid for it in blood. Just 2 years ago my aged father punched me in the face because I'd returned to college teaching. It enrages my family system to interact with smart people. Not just me. Modest, humble smart people. Interesting.

This rings so close to home.

Unomas, you are not alone, my friend. College and going back to finish raises up anxiety for me as well. I know I am not comfortable anymore being in a big room unless my back is against the wall. I am pressured to go back and finish but what others don't understand is that the reason why I left and now that I know my conditions, I will finish at a slower pace.

I know what you mean.

I agree with the responses on this post. They all connect back to the abuse inflicted upon us and the idea of success or achieving it brings mixed thoughts about it.