Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I listened to a favorite song of mine tonight, appropriately called, "Survivor", of course it's about all sorts of abuse.
Usually I am alright with it and can just listen and relate.
But lately, I've been thinking a lot about the way my mother handled things when I was younger. How she would hit me all the time or say I was fat, call me names. Granted, I was a snotty kid, but with good reason...SHE WAS TOTALLY EFFED UP. So she puts all the blame on me. Oh yeah, I was such a horrible kid, I just wanted to be LOVED. Or you know have SOME type of support, but no. Guess that was too hard.
Ugh whatever, going off the deep end again.
I just want to sit and cry... I have finally come to an ACTUAL realization that I never had and probably never will have a MOTHER.
I realize now a lot of things she put me through - be it with her multiple boyfriends or multiple suicide attempts - I have a lot of garbage from that. And it HURTS. I want to slap her and scream at her WHY!?
On the other hand I have the sexual abuse my cousin and I went through and I just don't get it, why people do these things to each other.
Sorry for the long post...I just feel like everything's piling up...and I'm at the end of my rope..
Usually I am alright with it and can just listen and relate.
But lately, I've been thinking a lot about the way my mother handled things when I was younger. How she would hit me all the time or say I was fat, call me names. Granted, I was a snotty kid, but with good reason...SHE WAS TOTALLY EFFED UP. So she puts all the blame on me. Oh yeah, I was such a horrible kid, I just wanted to be LOVED. Or you know have SOME type of support, but no. Guess that was too hard.
Ugh whatever, going off the deep end again.
I just want to sit and cry... I have finally come to an ACTUAL realization that I never had and probably never will have a MOTHER.
I realize now a lot of things she put me through - be it with her multiple boyfriends or multiple suicide attempts - I have a lot of garbage from that. And it HURTS. I want to slap her and scream at her WHY!?
On the other hand I have the sexual abuse my cousin and I went through and I just don't get it, why people do these things to each other.
Sorry for the long post...I just feel like everything's piling up...and I'm at the end of my rope..
I guess no one can take away ever, what you've been through or fix it. Like no one can take away what I've been through or fix it either. One thing is though, that I've learnt over the years, the best person to take care of me, was myself ,as I know myself and my needs the best.
I had to figure out what I wanted, needed and felt I missed out on growing up.
It was well worth it .
I don't put much time anymore on thinking about what my mothers issues where, as they where hers. It was hard to let go of trying to figure out, why she was able to do and say things that she did, as it meant for me, giving up my hope, I suppose, to get an explanation to why...or understand her, how she was capable of the things she did or said to me ...
Nowdays I feel more sorry for her, she never was able to live her life to the fullest, so she could not teach me that skill either. I had to learn things like that myself....sometimes I stll grieve ,that things where the way they where, but somehow it has become less and less over the years, as I'm more busy now days focusing on living my life to the fullest and looking after myself and being aware of what my needs are now, instead of of thinking about something I can't change....