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I am having the strangest emotional feelings. They are like flashbacks but not visual and no panic.
I feel like I used to when I was 11 , maybe 12 years old. Emotionally I am right back there and there are visual flickers but not enough to recognize. The feelings though, they are clear.
Maybe the strangeness isn't the emotions themselves but my reaction to them. Maybe it is the reaction of a child.
I think too damn much.
I worked on some film photography today. It was a hot mess from beginning to end. Well I haven't processed the film yet so maybe not an entire disaster. My developer is questionable so we will see...
I should be asleep but here I am babbling, restless and feeling so much like I need something or am waiting for something....
I feel like I used to when I was 11 , maybe 12 years old. Emotionally I am right back there and there are visual flickers but not enough to recognize. The feelings though, they are clear.
Maybe the strangeness isn't the emotions themselves but my reaction to them. Maybe it is the reaction of a child.
I think too damn much.
I worked on some film photography today. It was a hot mess from beginning to end. Well I haven't processed the film yet so maybe not an entire disaster. My developer is questionable so we will see...
I should be asleep but here I am babbling, restless and feeling so much like I need something or am waiting for something....
So I sympathize. Took me *forever* to sleep last night, so I hope you got good rest. :-)
I also think too much. Argh. I outthought my ability to even doodle.
If I can get pain under control, I am going to take a shower and head back to bed.
yadlim
I felt so nervous going back there, like I was going back to those years, complete with the confrontations, stress, blame, guilt and dread. Yep, dread is the word.
I couldn't even talk to the one mother there b/c I was so overwhelmed making my daughter's bed b/c I felt like that 11 year old who could never do anything right.
I don't know why you are doing the photography stuff (your job? a class?) but maybe the photos are triggers like my camp was yesterday?
I hope also that some rest happened, I still get those nights of no sleep, not so good the next day.
Hugs J.
Lilly, I googled emotional flashbacks and ended up at the Peter Walker web page. I read some and have a better understanding. Apparently it is fairly common.
Muji, It would be hard to decide which were the worst years. The sexual abuse has stopped by then but the fallout had begun. At the age of 11 I was having sex with adult men, lying about my age, drinking, hitch hiking etc. I was also hospitalized twice.in adult psych wards.
LeoI hope you got some good rest too. Dont you hate that overthinking crap? I sit here and argue with myselfgeesh. I need a vacation from me some days.
Yadim, I thought about getting in the shower but thought maybe it would wake me up even more. I hope your pain is down to a dull roar or even gone!
Deli, That had to be surreal dropping your daughter off at the same camp you attended at her age. I can see how that would be triggering.
My photography is something I do for me. It keeps my mind occupied and lets me use my creative side.or at least try It is a positive thing for me.
Jewells, Hugs back! I am out of practice using the old camera. I was taking shot after shot, feeling pretty good when I realized I had forgotten to advance the film after each shot.grrrrrrrr. Then I opened my just delivered box of film, reels and powder developer only to find the bag of developer had a cut in it and the powder was all over the inside of the box. I mixed up what was left but not sure how it will turn out.
Film will be processed tonight and if anything is usable I will upload tomorrow.
Your eleventh year sounds very tough. I can imagine how you might have dissociated going through those adult traumas at a tender age back them. My therapist and I talk about how, since those experiences aren't processed in the moment back then, they get stored in us. And then they leak out now.
At least that's how he explains it to me when it happens to me. The "leaking" isn't just mental or rational. It's existential all the way around. Emotions, body, soul, subconscious. sleeping, awake, you name it.
The good news, as he tells me, is that the leaking is a sign that my core self believes I'm strong enough and far enough away from those years now to let it leak so it can process. And it leaks rather than come all at once for my sake, too. He tries to impress upon me that I have a core self that manages this stuff as well as possible for me. But it must be processed some time. I wish it didn't, but apparently that's non-negotiable in human nature, don't ask me why. Denial would be fine with me.
So, anyway, that's why I asked. Just to share how my therapist and I are trying to process my stuff from when I was 11 years old.
Hope nothing leaks out that's too much for you, my friend. You're not alone in this. Keep us posted.
Muji