I bet trying to do Stand-up Comedy is hard...it's hard for me to even crack a smile...and I use to smile all the time. I feel like I am cracking jokes, and I laugh, but I look around, and no one else is laughing...???

Detaching from your family is a hard thing to do, and when holidays roll around it makes it even harder.

But, if you believe it's the right thing to do for you, for your health, then that's what you need to do.

I am so sorry for all the pain you're feeling and for all the abuse and neglect you endured during your childhood.

You are NOT the bad guy. They are the bad guys.

You have a right to your anger...release your anger, get your story out...then start the journey to heal.

Are you seeing a therapist? They can help you sort through some of this.

Also, a psychiatrist can help manage your symptoms...it gets to be too much to handle on your own...and the meds help you to get stable so you can transition to heal.

Peace-Hope-Serenity

Stand up comedy is a challenge because I'm usually a private person. With the hellish childhood growing up, I learned to keep it in and keep to myself. When a Comic is on stage they have to open up and be who they are - so their vulnerable side.

I have a counsellor and a Psychologist that I see on a regular basis. Sometimes I don't think it's enough cause I deal with my stuff on a daily basis. I'm a hard worker and quite ambitious when it comes to working on myself.

I went through a depression that lasted 12 to 14 years - starting in childhood. The majority of the time I was not on any meds and when they did put me on meds - it didn't work. Same with the antianxieties from last year. It was a small dose and I was put out of commission. I couldn't even get in my car to drive anywhere cause I felt so impaired so I had to find natural means of dealing with things. So far so good....

((((HUGS)))))

Thank you for listening to me :)

ID

I was thinking awhile back...would there be a benefit to putting kids on antidepressants and monitoring them, even if they feel they don't need therapy, etc...to help prevent depression from maybe hitting so hard later or as an adult??

I didn't feel the need for therapy after I confronted at 16, wasn't ready to talk.

But, looking back I had signs of depression back then, and wasn't treated.

Now, I am having a hard time battling it.

Hopefully, your comedy will one day break down the barriers you have...you'll open up and make those people laugh, and it will feel so good.

It's hard to go through treatment when you don't know what is going on in life. Children don't know the complex world that adults have. How they act and behave are signs that something is wrong - but they don't know what is wrong because what they have experienced in life up till now is "Normal" for them. They have no self awareness and the world to them reflects back or mirrors others feelings. I lived with a Mother who could never take care of herself and nevermind me - I knew this and never wanted to go home with her. (Instinct and intuition are very strong in kids.) She kept making bad choices and married an emotional terrorist and let him abuse and neglect me. It didn't dawn on me at that age that the company I was in were troubled and not good for me - as a child I didn't know any better and I thought it was because of me. I learned so see myself in a negative light which lead to self hate and depression.

Here is my story of my childhood, as an example....an open mock letter to my Mother....quote"What you sow in life will come back to you and this is the consequence of your actions from way back. I hold you ACOUNTABLE for my life growing up. Note that accountability is different from blaming. A parent is responsible for their childs life and well being. Are you even aware of the damages I have incurred when I was under your care? Over the years you wondered why I am so screwed up. You tell me you think I have ADD and many emotional problems and that I need to seek serious help, etc.

As far as I can recall from what you have said you do not understand me. I have not seen you try to come to my level and where I was operating at. This has been the case, since almost the beginning EXAMPLE - when I was small and in speech therapy. I didnt talk much because I am conservative with words and am naturally quiet. A parent KNOWS their child, I found instead you went along with what everybody else was saying how screwed up I was. Medded me up and threw a label on me even defined me with the label.

At the age of 8 is when I lost my biological mother. When you and dad were together, you kept things together and were the responsible one but when the divorce happened it was like Jeckel and Hyde. You keep on saying that things would have been different if you and dad were still together. I beg to differ and at times I think its an excuse to how things are for you. You were not the same person and I can honestly say it was like your desire to still be a parent died. I knew right after the divorce, life with you would not be healthy for me. When the family of Dad, David, you and myself broke up. It was the last time I had family. (After that I wanted Grandma & Grandpa to be my parents). You became extremely different and because of your issues you could not be there for me. With your insistence that I grow up, that is what I did. I took the responsibility and I actively sought out help for myself. I sought out what I needed for myself. I exercised my self-care at the age of 8. I took my life into my own hands because you were unavailable and I had to fend for myself.

I feel majorly let down in life with you. Upon my introspection and recollection, I find that you come across as an irresponsible parent when it came to me. There was an attitude of resentment I sensed with you with parenting and being a parent. It was like you held your breathe when you had to care for me. When I needed you the most, you werent there or you were yelling at me to grow up or if I made a mistake I was treated as if I committed a murder. Every small mistake was blown out of proportion and you wonder why Id get deeply upset with things. Who modeled what to their child? I was made to think that every problem in the family was my fault. I became the scapegoat and I probably still am. (Evidently, this is what I suspect that your family thinks.)

The only supportive influence, after the divorce, was Grandpa and Grandma. They never judged me or expected me to be who I wasnt. They gave me what I needed the most was stability, care and knowing that they were there for 100% of the time. They never abandoned me of gave up on me. They dealt with me patiently and guided me. For an 8 year old that was supposed to be grown up, they were my refuge. I needed to be with people who were there for me.

I was in survival mode and my instincts kicked in. I knew what I needed to do. Whatever I tried to do for myself to assure my needs was violently opposed by you. I was brainwashed into god whatever. I was turned into your little robot discounting myself, what I feel, think, need, etc. It was like I didnt matter as long as everybody else was cared for and if I did express a need You would accuse me of being selfish and self centered and you even told me that I didnt give a damn about anybody.

Back in 84 to 86 you took my supports away for a while and I was even grounded away from Grandpa and Grandma. That was the time my depression grew and I was a very suicidal teen. You expected me to live in hell and to suffer the unhealthy environment. Do you know what it is like to live in an unsafe cold home against your will?

It is like I had no childhood and that I was forced to GROW UP at such a young age. I had to be who you expected me to be and I wasnt free to be who I am. A child has a right to be a child and to be who they are. I wasnt allowed to be a child when I was one. Instead I had to take on responsibilities that were YOURS. How many times have you told me to GROW up and stop acting a certain way or to quit your blubbering! when I was a child? How many times were you harsh and cold towards me? Tonnes.

Then at age 8, you held my accountable for the problems between you and I. I have an exceptional memory and do recall being told that I was the one causing problems and making things difficult for us. It was like I was the one responsible for everything that happened when it was not my responsibility and I was being who I was a child. I so clearly remember the days that I didnt want to even go home with you. Yet I would be punished and scolded for crying or not wanting to go to your place.

Yeah you put me in counseling but truth be told it was no use explaining my truth back then cause
1. I didnt understand the psychology and dynamics of life and
2. I would have been punished and you would have been quite angry with what I had to say. (as you are angry with me now and dont want anything to do with me.)

When Your husband came into our lives he took right over quite quickly you couldnt be bothered to protect me from him. It was like you were willing to let him treat me harshly and poorly. He was not slowly introduced to me. Your Husband into my life was like a forced intrusion and I so desperately wanted to get the hell away from home. We knew back then he was no good for you, but here you are over 20 years later and have shoved me away. Where you even aware of the negative effect he had on me? I knew it was not a beneficial environment for me. Children can be good judges of character.

It is not in Dougs best interest to even have me around his attitude since day one is why the hell should he care for another persons children. He didnt give didnt give life to me and David and I were not his responsibility. He has succeeded successfully in pushing us out of his life and now family. He has a dominant personality and now your life in his world. I hope you are satisfied and content with your decision to have him in your life cause now along with your decision I have died away from your life. (You have pushed me out of your life by your actions over the years). There are too many irreconcilable variables in the family that nothing can be resolved. Fact: Your family doesnt believe in therapy and its just one huge waste of time.



Point How many fights did your husband and I have had where he told me to never contact or visit the house again. That I am not welcome in his life? From my observations I see you supporting his decision. Technically a wife must support the husband however the biological children have as much right as the second husband. My rights to you have been taken away many times. Most of the time it felt treated as if I didnt have any rights they were stripped away from me and my soul left broken.

I can tell you right now the truth is nobody in your family actually knows the person I am and has a negative opinion or view of me. All they can remember is this messed up person in their childhood. Do they actually know the truth? Nope. I have put forth my best efforts to try and have a relationship with the siblings. In honesty there is no relationship there. I have not bonded with them and they have not bonded with me. The stigma of a dysfunctional Becky still remain in their subconscious minds. This was the sibling conditioning they had with me when they were children and I doubt that any thing can be corrected in that sense. It is something that can not be got over. Or it could be a person must be willing to take the task at hand and overcome this issue. It will remain underground until possibly things come to the surface.

Ill tell you one thing, Your husband is not the one who is responsible for your decision on not to help me nor is he responsible for your decision not to have any time for me. They are just excuses not to do anything.. My insight into you is this I see a woman who hates children and as soon as her child shows some kind of independence or showing that they can do something, she leaves the child in their own defenses to do stuff, instead of sticking around and being there for support and nurturance. I figure youre the kind of parent who believes a child will look after itself.

With how things are with the family and you I am not willing to commit any time or energy.
I refuse to live in a charade or a land of make believe. I am selective as to whom I spend my time with. I would rather spend time with those who value my company and who are genuinely interested in who I am and what Im doing in my life.

Children are not stupid, in fact they are quite bright and perceptive to what goes on around them. They do know things. I think it does make a difference how a child is treated when growing up. If you treat a child with respect and take responsibility and provide for there needs. Then there shouldnt be too many problems. However to treat a child opposite to that, then we get what we have in our history.

Why do you think I wanted away from you its been almost 30 years later and I still feel the same way and I have walked away because being around you is not healthy for me. I may be messed up but your more messed up than me and you dont even realize it cause your stuck in your rut. In honesty, I think youll be your own demise and I wont be around when they push a stretcher with your body to the morgue.

I have seen no parenting change in you since the divorce of 80. You still have a hostile, I dont give a crap or Im too busy for you attitude. If this doesnt shock some sense into you, then I guess reality will never set in.

In regards to a future reconciliation god only knows. With how things are in the family and between us, I deem unfit. It wouldnt work due to various factors and there are too many people involved to work upon improvement. I have lost total respect, care and concern for you. How can I care about somebody who most of the time when the other person cant be bothered. (I KNOW people with very busy schedule who can make the time to visit with loved ones.) Its hard to forgive the damaging effects - influences that you have had on my life. I figure things will not change and that you will remain how you are irresponsible.

It is very hard to forgive cause it has taken me a long time and will take a longer time trying to undo the detrimental effects you have had on my life. This has effected me for most of my born life. I knew after the divorce where I wanted to be but you forced me, against my will to stay in a place that I didnt even want to be. I never felt safe and was kept in unsafe conditions. I was forced to stay in an abusive situation, which did my health, happiness and quality of life poorly. This has screwed up my life royally. I have spent half my life in rehabilitation to work on my issues and myself and get to know who I am. There has been a significant amount of damage in my life. I can not fathom just how much more therapy I need before I even start to feel like my old self. I will be damned if anybody takes away what I have worked on so hard to get back.

I am treating you like how you like to treat me at times. This is what you have taught me and it seems that treating another person harshly and coldly does not bother you. In some instances I believe in the eye for an eye philosophy depending on what happened. Eye for an eye they say. Im not ready to make nice cause my being and survival has been messed with. If I stick around your family, it would mess me up some more."

My two cents - I just got straight to the point with great honesty........

ID