I've been in a whole new world. (Disney reference XD) but it's both depressing and calming. My past week has been a big old mess. Like today I was on my bus heading to school when our driver decided to make an impossible turn and started to tilt the bus. He backed up and smashed a glass window. Nobody was hurt thankfully but it scared the fuck outa me. Because all I could see when I looked out the window was grass. Like if the window was open I probably couldve touched the grass. (That's how tilted the bus was, suprised it didn't fall over) the bus was damaged and so was the things he hit. So that was.... Exciting????

I also had a dream where I saw my (ex???) girlfriend and it was the greatest thing ever. I was walking home from school and met up with her. I saw her pretty black hair and my favourite part of her, her skin. It was always so soft. (She was Korean so she brought me lots of sweets from Korea) I put my arm around her as we walked home. We then sat at the cliff in the woods and talked while eating. Its weird I could taste the Gyung Dan (sweet rice balls) and it was great until my brain decided to fuck with me and make my good dream into a nightmare. I was then in the woods where I met her for the first time, with the letter saying goodbye. Her letter saying she killed herself after she was gang raped. And I couldn't do anything but stare at the letter. WE WERE BOTH HAPPY!!! not in the dream in real life. We were in love. (I know that's stupid when we were in 8th grade but we genuinely were) we were together since 6th. We planned on surviving highschool together and then moving in together as a happy couple. And that came to a sudden stop and I couldn't do anything to help her. I was helpless unlike the first time. I woke up crying and saying her name. I haven't done that since she passed away almost five years ago. 

Another dream. I was with him. My brother. We were playing and then bam on the couch he was fucking me. Little 8 year old me, no longer innocent. I woke up in a cold sweat in pain down there.

I have been so alone. My friends in Maine never text me (even when I text them) my friends in Florida don't talk to me either, only when they need to vent. And I get it. I used to be the same. But I feel completely used. Unwanted. I JUST WANNA BE LOVED!!! I want legitimate friends. I'm that friend that get kicked to the side. Disposed. Unwanted. The friend that was pittied. 

Okay so here's a thing, I am androgynous. I've been this way since 9th grade (2-3 years ago) and my friend Sam tell me one day that how I identify doesn't matter. She told me I'm in a phase. I wanted to punch her so badly because she identifies as gender neutral (or some stupid bullshit like that) she said I don't identify as androgynous, but that's just a style of clothing. I wanted to punch her so badly. But ya know I sucked it up and just smiled and said, yeah... Your right.... And I think that probably hurt the most. I respect her wishes, give her space because shes claustrophobic (even though she actually doesn't have an issue with close spaces) but when I ask for something in return she just laughs at me. I want to confront her, but I feel like she'd get physical (wouldn't be the first time) any tips???

Finally (sorry for the rant I've not been feeling to hot mentally) I have a lot of self confidence issues. My smile, my laugh, my freckles, my hair, my body (ESPECIALLY) Ive been told I'm ugly, a tranny, and faggot. I've been told I look dumb when I smile because I have crooked teeth. So now when I smile or laugh I look down/cover my mouth and get embarrassed. How can I accept myself when I can't even look at myself in the mirror because I see every damn mistake. The reason is because lonelyness. In elementary my bullying was bad, never had any friends, was very physically violent (I had the word dunce scarred on my stomach for a while so you can understand how bad the bullying could get) so I was alone a lot. Alone...with my thought. Those bullies ingrained in my head that I was totally imperfect. To the point where in pictures I could only see flaws be it acne, my smile, the way my eyes scrunch up when I smile, my dimples. Everything was a flaw. Everything is a flaw. I WANT TO ACCEPT MYSELF!!! and when I think I do, depression loves to reopen the wound and pour salt all up in it. Tips??

Anyway sorry for the rant, I've been bottling this up and I was going to explode if I didn't let it out. 

Thanks,

L