Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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He kept me up again. I either can't sleep at all, get horrible sleep because of nightmares and flashbacks, or over sleep because of my symptoms. Today I missed a medical appointment because of it. I HATE him. I keep trying to forgive he and my mom. But every time I pray that prayer, I have another flashback or something. I did not ask him to steal my innocence. Why do I feel so dirty? And why do I act out in my self harm and ED whenever I see him? THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! I DO NOT DESERVE PUNISHMENT! So why do I continuously act like I do?
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
My meddler instincts want to help you focus on one step at a time. Shall we start with the ALL CAPS?
No, jasgall, it is not your fault. You do not deserve punishment.
That is quite allot for a single step. Just calming the guilt beast is huge in itself.
It is NOT your fault.
IT is not your fault.
it is not YOUR fault.
hugs. You are not alone, either.
The thing is, there is a big difference between understanding something in our mind and really believing it with our whole being. When you act out against your self, you are sort of being like him. Please know it is common for it to take time and help for the unnecessary guilt to fade and meantime, please PLEASE commit to not being your own assailant.
The best to you.
Do not push yourself to forgive them, that could be making the feelings of guilt worse.
You do not have to forgive to heal....So allow yourself to feel anger and hate and make no apologies for it...because honestly...anger is the appropriate emotion to what happened to you....its a matter of processing it.
TW
The boy who sexually assaulted me was the oldest son of a sitter my brother & I went to when we were little. I am angry at him because I was 8. He was 11. He forced himself on me (fully clothed) then pretended we were friends. He was nice to me and acted like nothing happened. I brought it up one other time because he asked why I didn't want to see him anymore. He told me I wanted him because I didn't fight back or start screaming or fight back. HE WAS ON TOP OF ME. HE WAS ON MY LEGS. I HAVE CEREBRAL PALSY. I COULDN'T FIGHT BACK FOR THE MAJORITY OF IT. BESIDES, WHO THE HELL SEXUALLY ASSAULTS A DISABLED CHILD?
I am angry at my mother because I told her I was highly uncomfortable in that house BEFORE he assaulted me. NO ONE liked them but my mom. He wouldn't let me pray in his room. And I told her I didn't want to be around him or in the house afterward. SHE DIDN'T LISTEN. SHE NEVER DOES.
Because I was only 8, I didn't understand what had happened. Therefore, I told no one and basically tried to forget it. I didn't understand I was still a virgin untill sex ed 3 years later.
Then, I read Speak last Janurary and I realized what he'd done and the magnitude of it all.
It is not your fault and you need to keep telling yourself that until eventually you believe it yourself. Have patience with yourself this is not an easy process and its definitely not easy to undo what we may have been feeling for years.
The topic of forgiveness is tough when it comes issues such as rape, molestation etc. I think that it is more important for you to forgive yourself and then go from there. Once you forgive yourself, it might be smoother to move to forgiving others if that is the direction you wish to go in. One step at a time.
Hang in there,
Holly