Are you having insomnia probs...Sorry did not understand exactly what the post is about.

I would go to a doc for a med for sleep....Insomnia makes PTSD soooo much worse.

I get the numb feeling. It is a blah sort of existence.

I appreciated your use of the water in the face and not knowing if it is hot or cold. No real feeling. Of anything at times.

I described my physical place right now as the inability to get out of a wet paper bag. I have the skill but not the ability.

PTSD and Identity crisis fit nicely together - for me at least. I am lost. Unable to do much and completely lost myself although I don't think I ever had a "self". Pretty much mirrored what others expected.

Best to you.

im sorry, I felt lost many times but not to the point like you, I did have and had numbness feelings or thinking I don't have feelings but I would know for water as example you put, is it hot or cold

for insomnia, I don't like it, music helps me, some radio station random music, not something only favorite ones, very low sound, it helped me and helps with insomnia which I have for very long time

hope you will feel better

Kat- you are making sense.

My experience with a self defense course for regular citizens (women) brought stuff up for me. During the regular practice, I was unable to vocalize. Vocalization is an integral part of the defense- if nothing else it serves the function of letting people know that someone is under attack. It's also meant to throw off perpetrators who are used to their targets going silent. I was mouthing the words, air was coming out, but no voice- I sounded like a debarked dog.

In the final class which was the full simulation (guys in the suits) I was able to vocalize (and then some). It was good for me to have done that training, but I won't lie- it was very emotionally intense.

The physical stuff for me did unlock a lot that was frozen emotionally.

I am assuming it was good for me, I did eventually feel better, but during the training was quite hard. I have considered redoing it, since as a regular person, these are not skills I use in a work context. Further exposure should probably continue to help me emotionally, to the degree I can take it.

I don't know how it will be for you, but I'd say the physical stuff getting you to deal with emotions (at a rate that is no where near comfortable- it feels like it sticks you in another dimension) is a pretty "normal" response to situations which (outside of trauma circumstances) people generally don't have to deal with in every day life.

Hang in there. Whatever you feel makes sense. I don't know if it's possible for you to get some support in counseling surrounding what this brings up for you, but if you can that might help.

Another thought, on the idea of no sleep: just the physiology makes sense- adrenaline rush is part of what that type of training invokes for all people who take the training (not just people with trauma history).

Adrenaline in the short run helps people get out of immediate danger. For non-traumatized individuals, it dissipates a while after the danger goes away.

People with trauma history can get stuck in the adrenaline cycle- like your body doesn't allow it to turn off far longer than a person who wasn't traumatized might be feeling it.

I can get triggered by cardio exercise. Sometimes I will have to do only weights for a week or so because I find the elliptical has the effect on me of making me feel like I am running from someone (adrenaline rush).

Depending on whose theory of emotion you believe (this I am digging up a million years ago from a psych course), behaviors (such as running, smiling, or self defense maneuvers) can create emotion.

The other theory says that emotions create the behaviors (as in, I'm scared so I run for my life).

I really think it works both ways, but self defense and other physical things do put me in adrenaline rush.

Whatever you can do for helping yourself de-stress between these training sessions could help you sleep.

Reminds me of moments in my first responder training when I decided to be an ER hospital chaplain with PTSD. Ha! Did I ever awaken my demons. Then after a few years, while we may not have become friends, my demons and I would get together for a game of poker to hurl insults at each other across the table periodically.

I kid around, but it was challenging and healing for me. It did not mean that by confronting my demons they ran away. Most of all, I got to see that just about everyone has demons. Those with fresh traumas have fresh ones like I once did. Maybe folks like you and I can at least aim them in the right direction as they set off on their life journey with them. Hoping for more than that, just speaking for me, was arrogance. But it turned out to be enough for me.

So hurray for your work in the auxiliary. But pace yourself. It takes a lot for trauma feelings to catch up and be sorted out. That numbness is ok in the short run, I learned in my own understanding in my therapy. Not so much the long run. Myself, I got addicted to dissociating, and withdrawal from it is still a pain in the neck as I seek self awareness.

As for insomnia, I got myself wound up planning to confront my agoraphobia from PTSD to go to church. Ended up awake at 3am still obsessing about it. Result: didn't go--again. Sigh. Oh, well. Next time I'll think about it with less drama.

Muji

Guayaba,

What you said about cardio exercise triggering you was just a brilliant insight.

*Trigger Alert*

The two times I was raped by an adult male pedophile when I was 10, I fought him off for hours. Both times. Muscles straining, heavy breathing, wrestling hard.

You pin pointed why I would get triggered playing on my rugby team in high school. And why, though I was a popular nice guy in high school and vice president of the student government, in rugby matches I got so adrenalized. One time an opposing player broke free from the pack and was running down the sidelines with the ball to score. I was the last defender who could stop him.

There, one on one in front of everybody, when he tried to run past me to score, I didn't just tackle him. I impulsively slugged him in the face first, in front of the ref and everybody. Even though it was a huge blatant thug foul, my coach loved it. He touted me as an example of an animal of a player, he really plays defense for keeps, blah blah blah. But I was totally alarmed at myself: I didn't want to be an animal. I quit the team, something no one understood about me.

That's happened to me in sports my whole life, even just in lifting weights and jogging. Of course it makes sense! I'm so glad you pointed it out.

Muji

"Someone can throw water at my face but I wouldn't be able to tell if it were hot or cold."

Thank you for saying something that speaks in great volume to me. I completely get it.

I can tell that I'm alive. Feelings of complete doom are what remind me. I would honestly prefer not to be. I've felt this way for 3 years now.

Like you, I too put up a pretty good front. It's exhausting. I understand this post so much. I'm sorry you're in a similar place.