i cannot answer your specific question, but wanted to know if you could to speak to how you were able to put your "trauma" memories back into "normal" memory?

what worked for you therapeutically?

I am not at all certain if I would know "normal" memory if it bit me on the nose. I have no basis for comparison. My cPTSD began before normal cognitive memory. "Normal" was simply not a card in the hand I was dealt.

Being able to stay functional in the present when reminded of the trauma (triggers and flashbacks?) took a long time and allot of help from my support network, play by play, one day at a time. I am not at all certain I have an academically/professionally approved way to speak it. I am quite under-confident of any attempts I have made to speak it.

My pro therapy has been piece meal, at best. Most of today's latest and greatest were unavailable during my early going. I get headaches trying to recall all the psycho labels and innovations which I have experienced since my first therapy session in 1972.

P.S. I can safely say that Alanon has been my most effective and consistent thread in the chaos. Still work it daily.

I find my good memories confusing b/c they seem so out of sync with the rest that have come up.... I end up wondering if I'm nuts and hallucinated it even tho' I know I'm not nuts and didn't imagine it....

I usually cry a lot for the fact I can't remember more good than bad, and remembered therefore very little.... or remembered "around" it. Swiss cheese memory to say the least.

I'm used to flinching whenever my brain lets me know a childhood memory is coming down the pike. And then, as my PTSD recovery continues, after I've braced myself, on arrival it turns out to be, lo and behold, a good memory?

The saddest thing I had to face in my therapy was that my mom abused me consistently all my life and that my frequent beatings all were traced back to her. She was mentally ill and hurt me.

Yet, I have a memory of being 4 or 5 years old and sitting in church and having her hold my hand. I loved her as a boy, and when I was connected to her by the hand that love connected to my mom with my whole heart.

It's more about me than about her, I guess. I'm glad to remember I was a loving child, no matter what else happened. It's a good memory. It's good to have those if we have to stop being in denial and recognize the bad memories for our healing. Good to reach the point of balance, and of having good memories without having them make me bitter because of the others.

Been going round and round on this for a few years now without being able to find clarity. Since writing this this morning, the word that has been floating to the top is:

Trust.

Trusting anything, even myself, remains difficult for me.

"Trust.

Trusting anything, even myself, remains difficult for me. "

Sometimes very difficult for me too. I have big chunks of my childhood missing as well. Some have come back. I also have a few good memories. I cling to them for dear life. Both of my parents were abusive. I am now the caregiver for my mother, who was the worst abuser. Talk about an odd place to be in!

She is so much different now, which almost makes it harder. Hm, does that make sense?? I feel as Muji does. I loved my mom, (very much feared her as well), and it was never my fault that she chose to be the horribly abusive person that she was.

Trust is a learned thing, but when the beginning is with traums , you don't learn it, along with other coping skills. My good memories of my cousin, were surrounded by more bad than good, So I am also just begining to find the forgotten pieces. I know now I was always on the watch for the next bad, to notice the good. It's why those memories didn't stick.

By the way, arfie, thanks for how you work Alanon devotions into threads that relate to us in PTSD recovery here. I dont think I ever told you how that helps me.