I cannot say Ive been in a relationship for that long but I do know that everytime I DO break up with someone - dating or friend - I have to go through the process of de-habiting / stripping away their influence.

Personally at those moments most of the time when I see something I picked up from the other person I feel disgusted. It usually takes some resolve to take it on calmly and decide even to keep some things Ive picked up.

I get what you're saying.

I think it goes far beyond romantic relationships. Parent-child-sibling are the toughest in my own life. After 32 years I think my husband is more family than romance. We have lived with each other longer than either of us lived with our birth families. The birth family we created together has an emotional interest in our unity. Adult child to parent is a compelling set of habits, too. Generational dynamics...

Arfie,

It has been obvious in some of your posts for the last year at least that you wanted to escape from where you live. It is just that you usually framed it in terms of issues w/ offspring, neighbors, need for physical space. It wasn't obvious that your marriage was a major stressor.

When I left my long term marriage at first I felt relief. Then I found that many of my mental reference points were still in terms of our former shared experience. It basically took years for this to fade out and be replaced by the new way in which I was living. While I never regretted divorcing, the transition was disorienting.

So perhaps if you just allow for a protracted period of transition, and don't pursue 'speed habit changing' it will be gentler. The off kilter feeling corrects itself slowly as you redefine your sense of your social roles.

I wish you comfort and peace.

My sister has a habitual way of relating to me. Like I'm still 15. I'm not there any more.

I'm happy letitbe is ok and still posting

arfie, I can't move on to addressing what you're saying until I mention the distracting fact that Mick Jagger and Dave Stewart co-wrote a song for a movie, a song called "Old Habits Die Hard," a song I sing and play in my living room quite often. There. Trivia aside, back to the actually important point you're trying to talk about.

I was only married for 16 years, but I enjoyed it. Then when it had to end, it had to end and I didn't look back. It wasn't easy, no, because one thing I enjoyed about being married was, in fact, the domestic routine. But when it came time for the marriage to dissolve, I literally changed all of my routines and challenged myself to new ones. I even made a big career change.

It might not have had to be that way, but that was how I chose for it to be, and I've not been sorry. It does take time and effort, though, and support along the way. So I'm glad you're posted about it so people can come up along side you from time to time as the change goes on. Good for you.

I am hoping that "Mom" getting her own place will help sweep away the old habits, both shared and personal to make room for new growth. Just hoping while I look for the stamina and courage to make it happen.

You may find most of the habits are in your head whether or not your long term 'partner in crime/bad habits' is there or not.

What's the saying: - "Where ever you go, there you are".

If you are moving to create a more peaceful environment because there is discord in your home, then I will come over and help you pack!

Muji, Had to look up the song. It is playing as I type. Sorta. As well as my old-beta touchpad can manage. Makes me realize I can't recognize Mick without his Stones. Such a possibility never occurred to me.

Letitbe. You are 100% on target. These would be the very blanket I have used during the years - and I do means yearS - I have spent on the couch watching television. There is quite allot of love and tenderness here in my gilded cage. The flare ups are few and brief.

but I am suffocating in here.

Arfie,

Where is a steady supply of fresh air to be found?

I live alone, and still feel at times like I'm suffocating way too often. With me part of it is constraints of physical illness, but it is mostly entrenched mental habits of my own.

Recently I have been trying to rearrange habits within myself. Internal remodeling that gets mirrored in some alteration of what I do during the days.

The best to you sweetie.