Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Today is a really bad day and I wish I had someone in my family I could go to for support. I'm not sure where to turn so I came here.
Of all people, I really genuinely wish I could talk to my dad. I don't know if I would call us close but we are a lot a like. We think very much the same way about a lot of different things and we have very similar personalities but in a lot of ways we are also different. He understands me a lot better than my mom does who still wants to treat me like a kid. I know I've made mistakes and I can't stop making them lately and I can't shake the feeling that part of me is doing these thing purposely to punish myself or to make me feel guilty so I can feel something.
I haven't always been like this. I've been doing things to punish myself for a while and I've never really told anyone the things I've done although some things my parents do know.
Most of the things I do are harmless...
I speed in places that are dangerous, because I get an adrenaline rush and feel giddy when I can keep control of my car. I feel like I've been a good deal of accidents which has scared me into being much more careful with my driving, so this type of behavior has mostly stopped, I just can't help it sometimes.
I have reckless behavior and spend more than I should, more money than I have, so I feel guilt, which proves I'm still alive. When I went off to school my dad decided to open a bank account with me, that way he could more easily transfer money to my account if I needed it while I was away and I keep overdrawing. I'm not sure why but I think its tied to the guilt thing. I don't know whats wrong with me. I know while I'm spending money that I don't have its wrong, but something in my can't stop myself.
About two years ago the little things I've done came to a head and I got to the point where I had to tell someone about the incest that had happened to me when I was a kid or I was going to explode. I had to talk to someone or I was going to have to die because I just couldn't handle it. The day I called my mom to talk to her from school was in March of 2009. I told her I had something to tell her and she said she had something to tell me. I told her to go first and she told me that I had a sister that she had given up for adoption when she was 18 and that she had just found her. After such good news I couldn't tell my mom. So I bottled it up and tried to be excited but I was hurting so much inside and my wreckless behavior became worse.
We went to go visit my sister in May, and I went with my mom to visit her for the first time. She lives out in Kansas and we live in Georgia so we had to fly out to see her. we have family in Kansas 2, so we stayed with my uncle and made plans to see her the next day. my cousin was about to graduate high school, and invited me to a party which I went to. When we got there there was no alcohol or anything and we went with another guy to go pick some from one of their friends. They ended up blowing us off, but we found someone else to get it for us but by then it was too late to sell alcohol. his friend casually mentioned robbing a store and my cousin and I thought he was joking , so we played along with it to see how far he would go with it. Turns out he wasn't joking and actually did rob a store. I was in shock and followed him in like an idiot. The store was in a residential area and someone called the police and as we were leaving the store they showed up. My cousin was scared and tried to run them but instead they arrested us after we got caught in a dead end.
I felt like a jerk and then I wonder ruined my mom's reunion with my sister, so I had to explain to her why I did what I did. I spent the night in jail weighing my options, and realize the next thing that I did would kill me and I had to get help. As soon as we got to the car after my mom bailed me out. I told her what happened to me as a kid and I couldn't stop myself from doing things just to feel something. She thought I was making excuses and pretty much refused to talk to me about this ever since. She talked to my dad about everything I said and told me he wanted to talk to me about it which I dreaded feared more than anything because I just wanted them to be proud of me. And I let them down.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't stop myself from feeling this way or keep myself from doing stupid things when I feel so numb. I guess I got what I was looking for because 2010 was nothing but emotional. I talked about it before here and I'm scared 2011 will be worse.
I feel like I can't do anything right and I'm not sure how much it's me or the PTSD. I have. I keep having dreams about suicide like that's an answer or something. I know it's not I don't want to die too much to do in this life. I just can't help thinking about it because my life isn't easy. But this self-destructive behavior starting again and I don't know how to stop it. I'm afraid that suicide is the most self-destructive thing that I can do and feeling coming I don't know when it will be or how it will be but I feel like it's going to happen. I don't wanna die but I don't know what to do. I just feel like i don't know where to turn to or who to go to. If my own parents don't understand me enough to help me, who will?
How do you stop self destructive behavior?
Of all people, I really genuinely wish I could talk to my dad. I don't know if I would call us close but we are a lot a like. We think very much the same way about a lot of different things and we have very similar personalities but in a lot of ways we are also different. He understands me a lot better than my mom does who still wants to treat me like a kid. I know I've made mistakes and I can't stop making them lately and I can't shake the feeling that part of me is doing these thing purposely to punish myself or to make me feel guilty so I can feel something.
I haven't always been like this. I've been doing things to punish myself for a while and I've never really told anyone the things I've done although some things my parents do know.
Most of the things I do are harmless...
I speed in places that are dangerous, because I get an adrenaline rush and feel giddy when I can keep control of my car. I feel like I've been a good deal of accidents which has scared me into being much more careful with my driving, so this type of behavior has mostly stopped, I just can't help it sometimes.
I have reckless behavior and spend more than I should, more money than I have, so I feel guilt, which proves I'm still alive. When I went off to school my dad decided to open a bank account with me, that way he could more easily transfer money to my account if I needed it while I was away and I keep overdrawing. I'm not sure why but I think its tied to the guilt thing. I don't know whats wrong with me. I know while I'm spending money that I don't have its wrong, but something in my can't stop myself.
About two years ago the little things I've done came to a head and I got to the point where I had to tell someone about the incest that had happened to me when I was a kid or I was going to explode. I had to talk to someone or I was going to have to die because I just couldn't handle it. The day I called my mom to talk to her from school was in March of 2009. I told her I had something to tell her and she said she had something to tell me. I told her to go first and she told me that I had a sister that she had given up for adoption when she was 18 and that she had just found her. After such good news I couldn't tell my mom. So I bottled it up and tried to be excited but I was hurting so much inside and my wreckless behavior became worse.
We went to go visit my sister in May, and I went with my mom to visit her for the first time. She lives out in Kansas and we live in Georgia so we had to fly out to see her. we have family in Kansas 2, so we stayed with my uncle and made plans to see her the next day. my cousin was about to graduate high school, and invited me to a party which I went to. When we got there there was no alcohol or anything and we went with another guy to go pick some from one of their friends. They ended up blowing us off, but we found someone else to get it for us but by then it was too late to sell alcohol. his friend casually mentioned robbing a store and my cousin and I thought he was joking , so we played along with it to see how far he would go with it. Turns out he wasn't joking and actually did rob a store. I was in shock and followed him in like an idiot. The store was in a residential area and someone called the police and as we were leaving the store they showed up. My cousin was scared and tried to run them but instead they arrested us after we got caught in a dead end.
I felt like a jerk and then I wonder ruined my mom's reunion with my sister, so I had to explain to her why I did what I did. I spent the night in jail weighing my options, and realize the next thing that I did would kill me and I had to get help. As soon as we got to the car after my mom bailed me out. I told her what happened to me as a kid and I couldn't stop myself from doing things just to feel something. She thought I was making excuses and pretty much refused to talk to me about this ever since. She talked to my dad about everything I said and told me he wanted to talk to me about it which I dreaded feared more than anything because I just wanted them to be proud of me. And I let them down.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't stop myself from feeling this way or keep myself from doing stupid things when I feel so numb. I guess I got what I was looking for because 2010 was nothing but emotional. I talked about it before here and I'm scared 2011 will be worse.
I feel like I can't do anything right and I'm not sure how much it's me or the PTSD. I have. I keep having dreams about suicide like that's an answer or something. I know it's not I don't want to die too much to do in this life. I just can't help thinking about it because my life isn't easy. But this self-destructive behavior starting again and I don't know how to stop it. I'm afraid that suicide is the most self-destructive thing that I can do and feeling coming I don't know when it will be or how it will be but I feel like it's going to happen. I don't wanna die but I don't know what to do. I just feel like i don't know where to turn to or who to go to. If my own parents don't understand me enough to help me, who will?
How do you stop self destructive behavior?
But being numb is quite common for those of us with PTSD. Have you tried any exercises to help you identify any possible feelings you have? Sometimes when I think I'm numb it's just because I have no idea what I'm feeling. Just saying to myself "in this moment I feel _____" helps to make me stop and try to discover how I am feeling.
Hugs,
Sunny
If you don't want to commit suicide and need help talk to someone about that, don't keep it in.
A therapist or councilor or psychologist are who you need to talk to, they should know how to help.
I also think that a therapist would be a good plan.
In addition you may want to google OCD.
I've been self destructive in the past because I wanted to feel something, anything. I think it was more on a subconscious level because I was so numb.
My mother has been in denial for over twenty years regarding what my Step Dad (her husband) did to me. There was no sexual abuse but he threatened to kill me several times when I was just a boy and I was beyond terrified. I grew up in complete isolation out in the woods of Alaska with no running water or electricity. He could easily have killed me and no one would have known.
My sister who grew up with me(4 years younger) chooses not to believe that I was abused day in and day out for ten years. I had no one to turn to to tell and I was so scared.
My mother did the same thing when I told her. She is still not talking to me much.