I had my second Prolonged Exposure Therapy today. Mom took me so she would be with me after. She took me for a frappe at mc donalds after as a reward for doing the therapy. I am shaking and curled up on their spare bedroom bed. All these emotions are making me want to cut which i cant do on the 5th i will have 17 months without cutting or any self harm. Mom knows im upset, i dog sat all week and going home tonight or tomorrow depending how im doing. Mom knows im upset but i told her i dont want to be around anyone right now but i want to know shes right there if i need her. I am talking to a friend on yahoo IM who has been there for me for 12 years. He knows more of whats happened to me abuse wise than anyone else in the world. He knows more than my late husband ever knew, because he has never done anything to betray or hurt me on purpose. A friend he was dating that i was friends with as well, told him to pick her or me even though him and I will never be more than friends, hes like a big brother to me, and for a week we didnt talk then he came back apologziing over and over her told her hes not being given an ultimatim like that. Basically he chose our friendship because she doenst talk to either of us now really, i was so close to her too. Please noone tell me i should quit doing the exposure therapy, as hard and painful and messed up i feel right now i have to do this for me to get better. I HAVE to do this. For me. I am taking control back. Last week i was given the homework to do an about me, and the good times i had with my exbf that ended up beating teh crap outta me and raping me after we had dated for over a year. Today we talked more about that and about what happened before the attack. The abuse that went on for over a year before hand. Him beating on me for over a year. Me who had never cut myself or self harmed in my life, starting to cut every time he hit me. Every time he put me down id cut myself as well. My eating disorder came back while i was dating him because hed always tell me how fat and ugly i was even though he was over weight more than me. How no good i was so id purge every time i ate. THen he had control of me, he was an emt but his dad was and still is a paramedic which he is too now, and he said if i told anyone anything he did to me he would tell his dad i was a cutter and that i purged and that his dad would have me locked up in a psych hopsital (i had never been in one actually didnt even end up in one till my nervous breakdown in dec 2016) I dont want him to have control of me anymore, i dont want to as my thearpist put it, go tense up and look all around me when i hear the name chris anymore, i dont want to fear a name, or HIM period! I want the control back but damn this is hard! Its so hard! I am curled up with my dog and teddy bear right now and moms laptop. I dont know how i am going to do this, by next friday i have to add to my about me, add to the good times of what attracted me to him, and write out about leading up to the rape, this is stage 3. And every thing i have to read out loud a few times a session to get it so i dont tense up and go into fight or flight mode. So my body doesnt respond. She siad i say the name chris and you hold your breath, i didnt even know i did that. I am so triggered right now though, am i that bad of a person he had to hurt me all the time and then beat the crap outta me and rape me? Did i deserve that???????? Adding a picture of my snuggle bug abby.