This year, you are going back with your trip under your belt. A new understanding of what was your life. I think that if you trust the confidence you cam back with you will do better. I need to get my butt in gear, since my FAFSA was approved, I ran into complications dealing with SS, and DHS for summer classes. I am in a better place now. I still think I want to teach art therapy when I get my degrees. MSW and ART teaching, so maybe I will get going. The waves still hit me, but I put the machete away. Hugs for you and others that have helped me see and isolate some responses.

That's why I also teach summer school, Muji- I can't take the intense 9 months and then 9 weeks of nada. Too much all-or-nothing mentality, of which I tend to fall prey, anyway.

I suggest setting your alarm a week before so at least you get back on schedule other than that, I've got nothing.

I am a teacher too and this summer-not working-has been great. Now, as it gets closer to Sept., I am finding that I am anxious as well. I also know that I get pretty severe anticipatory anxiety before I do anything. Just knowing that helps me a lot. It also helps to know that the anxiety I feel BEFORE an event is always worse than actually going through whatever it is-in this case-school starting. The anxiety is still terrible and i take a ton of meds to help with it, but just knowing that this is how I roll helps. Once I get back into my routine again, I will be OK. It also helps that I work with some very nice people. I missed them this summer, so I am looking forward to seeing them again. The thing I dread the most is the day when the kids and parents come to "meet the teacher." I am always so nervous-mostly about meeting the parents. Once I get through that, I am usually OK.

Jewell, you're right when you say "This year, you are going back with your trip under your belt." Definitely a "new understanding" as you say. I want to make good on that.

Glad your FAFSA was approved, but sorry there were snags following. It sounds like the MSW and art therapy plan has awesome possibilities for you.

Tears, I came here in April, very close to the edge. Close enough to see the dirt giving way. The fall I was looking forward to.
I know I have much more to do, but I am looking up the hill now, one step at a time.

HBE and Muji- do you both think you "forgot" how to teach over the summer, lol? Every year I think, "This is the year I'm going to *really* kick @ss," but then life and all the BS gets in the way from being totally organized and effective.

Then I look at my colleague and see that they're no better off than me, but at least I try to be fresh and creative... Even if my superiors don't appreciate it. They just want us to blindly follow. Oh well.

I'm at a new school this year, so I'm hoping at least I can have that going for me.

We've got four, count 'em FOUR in services this year, so that's a good way for me to feel a bit more ready before the kids get here.

Good luck, guys. Maybe we should start a teacher forum. God knows we've got special mental health issues! : D

Deli, I'm like you, I prefer to teach summer school, too. That way I avoid the transition. But this year my summer school class was canceled due to low college enrollment, something happening a lot across the country due to budget issues. So I used the time to go to South America and visit those old battlefields. As you've taught summer school this summer, have you made your transfer transition you spoke of last Spring, or is that sill ahead for you?

And no, to your question, I don't think I forgot how to teach at all, after 30 years of doing it. It's just the transition to managing flashbacks in public again in front of a classroom teaching Death and Dying class. I chose to teach that class as it directly challenges my PTSD to do some good and let me draw on past experiences of loss to teach from them. So any tips on managing flashbacks on your feet in front of students are always welcome.

HBE, you wrote: "I also know that I get pretty severe anticipatory anxiety before I do anything." Yes, that's the issue. Simply anticipatory anxiety. Any tips on how to get through that without sacrificing too much energy to it are welcome.

51%: Lyme Disease now, too? Are you kidding me? I'm so, so sorry. That dx is hard on anybody, but on you, after your surgery, it's just staggering. Prayers and good wishes your way. Thanks all the more for your words of courage to me for the next school year.

By my academic conditioning theories, it is a psychic relief for all the rest of us when you academic types get back in the saddle and out of our corrales.

Good luck in the new semester.

That may be, arfie. It's just that I've just encountered a glitch in my week that's made me uncomfortable.

After I returned from my trip, I refilled my diabetes medication. It worked wonderfully on the trip with all of its rigors. Diabetes goes hand in hand with my my more serious chronic kidney disease, so that was really wonderful for the trip. But the refill of the same diabetes med is not working now after the trip. I'm taking blood sugar tests and they're way high and way low. That objective blood test data matches how I feel, too, which is either exhausted or with insomnia. Which triggers my PTSD symptoms of flashbacks, etc.

I learned about melotonin here and it's usually really helped with any insomnia. But this week I've had insomnia and triggered my PTDS symptoms in the run up to starting back to school. The insomnia peaked last night as I slept only for an hour at a time. In between these naps I had wide awake stretches of hours of being unable to get to sleep. Today during the day the PTSD flashback symptoms have resulted in kind even more.

I called my kidney & diabetes doc to get my meds changed. I've gotten through challenging times like this during the school year itself before, but it helps to have support to do so. People at work are supportive, but they don't understand the PTSD part like people here do.

I invite any support friends here have to offer now. Thanks.

And here I am cracking smart ass jokes...

My bad. Sorry.

You already know I have been out of the academic loop for long enough to have precious few insights. Hence, the bad jokes...

Don't know why, but a mantra from my Ecuador sponsor popped into my head, so I pass them on to you.

"No tengo miedo. Tengo f."

I found it to be a mantra which fit well in the march through the academic halls of Ecuador. Fits a walking pace magnificently.

Good luck. Keep venting.

Asking pre-forgiveness or the bad jokes to come. Just can't seem to help myself...

You take one day at a time and just enjoy the people you are around and things will fall into place.

No sweat, arfie, I hadn't disclosed the diabetes roller coaster stuff, so how could you know? I love your smart ass jokes, you know that. They make me laugh in the face of PTSD, and PTSD deserves to have us laugh in its face.

I hope tomorrow they'll switch my diabetes meds to some "extended release" version. That tends to make the meds effective over the 24 hour cycle, makes nights for good sleep, and rein those PTSD flashbacks back in that come out when I'm underslept from insomnia.

I know it'll be ok. "Tengo fe," as you said.

It's that until then I don't feel myself, a feeling we all know here, when the PTDS stuff gets on a roll. It'll just be a couple of days on the extended release meds again, and I'll be back to my old self.

Thanks for how much you care for all of us, arfie.

I got my first dose in me of the "extended release" version of my diabetes medication. That ought to stop the blood sugar roller coaster in 2 days or so, which will help the insomnia, which will minimize daytime flashbacks.

All of that will help prepare me to get ready for a school schedule and for standing in front of groups of people while dealing with my flashbacks during the day. A meds change in the nick of time.