Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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Scary place?

jennyoo7
jennyoo7

This feels oddly familiar but I can't recall when I felt this way before. It might be back when I had decided to end my life. This calmness of not giving a shit about anything. Or rather avoiding giving a shit like the plague. I have no desire to talk to friends or family. I want to be left alone so badly but I'm still kind to them. Giving them the impression that I want their company.  I want to get in my car and just drive, I don't care where, and end up wherever I end up. I obviously can't do it because it would upset my kids too much. 


I thought it would be a good idea to ask my mom to a session with my counsellor for one last try. I'm not sure if it was visible from the outside but every nerve in my body shook, that's only happened a couple times in my life. The counsellor did a great job directing our convo and making my mom hear why I'm upset without my mom interrupting with her own thoughts. My mom phoned me today and said she was sorry and now that she knows how much it hurt me she can understand why I am the way I am. I am curious what the counsellor will say at our next appointment. She suggested I bring my sister to one and my sis accepted the invitation. I'm apprehensive with that one. 



Yesterday I got put back on insulin and some kidney meds and I have to go for monthly b12 injections so I'm hoping some energy comes with that. For as sick as she said I am it's hard to believe I don't feel worse than I do. The Dr upped all my other meds too but i was shocked to hear my liver is kicking normally, the years of drinking I've done and no damage is a miracle I don't take lightly. So maybe all these health issues are playing a role in the ugly November month too. 



The school apologized for a note they sent home for my kids eyes and said they would address all sensitive matters directly to me in a sealed envelope or call me. What can I say? Damage is already done. Not much else I can demand from them although I'm still pissed off at how careless they are with stuff like that. Maybe this will be what they needed to avoid doing it with another child. I've decided not to tell him what happened to him. I know some here would disagree with how I'm handling it and respectfully that's their opinion. My gut is telling me that I would do more damage than good by telling him the truth. If and when he comes to me asking questions then that will be the time to tell him but right now he has zero recollection of any of The abuse. 



Vent or rant or whatever this is is over 

arfie
arfie
If been here before, I am curious to know when. Sounds like pretty groundbreaking stuff to me, albeit through familiar ground. Even when the changes are for the better, change is still scary. Wild card changes, such as family therapy with your mother and sister? Continued support while you brave the unknown and gentle hopes the change will be for the better.

I would call this, "Sorting" and it is quite allot to sort at that.

For what it's worth, I opine that compassion and honesty are great bedfellows. Hope you get your wandering drive AND let people know you want their company.
Dooo
Dooo
I would more than bet your physical health is the culprit of the numb train. Good to hear they are getting it all situated for you and I hope it improves for you soon.

I think its great therapy with your mom is starting out so well and I wish you the best for that. Whenever we can heal or at least mend a relationship its a wonderful thing.

Sorry that happened with your kid. It makes me so angry when people do not understand how intensely they can impact a child with words and actions. They think they do not comprehend it when in fact its most likely embedded deeper as a kid. I think you will know if and when the time is right to tell him. My abuse was buried and caused a lot of damage to my growing years and behaviors, but I would not have understood the depths of it until my adulthood anyway.

You are doing great
donnawanda
donnawanda
It's exciting and scary that your mom is seeing your side of things and your sister is ready to go to counseling with you. I Hope the situation continues to evolve in a positive direction and that your health improves. About your child, it was always your call of course, but despite what I said before I think you are right not to tell him.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Ouch, as one diabetic and chronic kidney disease illness sufferer with PTSD to another, the rest of what you're saying here is important to me but what you're going through with diabetes and kidney disease treatment on top of it all jumps out to me in a special way. Sending you special support for that with all else you're working through, my friend.
jennyoo7
jennyoo7
Thanks guys as always you're support is amazing. There are some pivotal moments going on right now so sorting has been beneficial and enlightening in ways but more importantly it's taught me I need to look after my physical self so I can better handle the rest. I went for a half hour walk today and almost died (lol) 3/4 of the way in. It made me learn the street names of my tiny village, 8 years ive been living here Lol, so I can let the ambulance know where I am laying haha. Thanks again guys
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