I confrinted my family with the abuse and i got ostracized and disowned...

I do not want to be the bearer of bad news but chances are your mother will NOT nurture you but minimize it, deny it, or some other dysfunctional act.....And its very painful.

You could always write it in a letter and have it read it.....hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

I still do not regret having confronted my family with it....what did i lose??? something i never had or i wouldn't have lost it.

If a family cares for you.Hardly anything will make them abandon you.....If just reminding them of the past does....They weren't worth crap anyways...They were never real family.

So i found out who they really were by confronting them...i did not lose what i did not have....now that free me of that illusion and is forcing me to find my own life...Its hard but is better than living in a lie (i think).

I forgot..mabe is not necessary to confront.But for me it was something i had to do.Sort of like facing my fears...making a stand for myself.Test of courage if you will.

To not confront them would mean to me (only me) to not stand up for myself.To live under their rule forever.

You brought up something interesting, Unomas. Perhaps we want to confront because we have finally found our adult voice and want to gain acceptance as an adult who can assess and report adequately--something we couldn't do as children because "we had no voice."

The Voice is liberating, whether or not there is acceptance and validation on their part. And let's face the sad facts: if a parent has not been in therapy, how can he/she be any different that the parent who has always been? In fact, aging seems to make a person's unresolved bitter roots grow even deeper.

To confront or not? Hmmmmm. Never worked in our family in giving me the happy ending I wanted, but I did learn more about me in the process and became stronger in self-validation and boundary work as a result.

And, Jimbobaronio, I am so very sorry you and your sister suffered under that type of torture in your childhood. Like so many of us, we have never known the tender touch of true parenting. We come into the world all wired up for healthy attachment and get "pruned" in the abusive home.

May you find a surrogate parental figure, a person who can stand in the gap, while you are still young. Healing touch is important enough to buy it in therapy and augment with a replacement mom or granny/granpa who has enough love to go around, not only to their own offspring, but then some.

I am 66 and would love to be legally adopted by an older couple. That won't happen, but I can still pretend with the 80-90 year-olds I meet at the senior center. Yes, that need is still in me to relate to old eyes who can "see me" and reflect back my inner beauty while I reflect back their inner beauty. A relationship that never grows tiresome.

I was abused as a kid and told my adult parents about it when I was an adult. They took it selfishly. Rather than think about what I had experienced, they took it as an indictment of their parenting. That I was accusing them of not protecting me.

That was true, they were indeed rotten parents who neglected even the most obvious and did not protect me. But when I told them as an adult they never got past that to see that the real reason I told them was for them to care for me now. They missed both their first chance when I was a kid and their second chance to care when I told them as an adult.

I learned that, as the saying goes, you can't get blood from a turnip. I was on my own as an adult just as I'd been as a kid. If it goes differently for you, as it might, count yourself lucky. If not, you won't be the only one. What I would suggest is, whatever the outcome, since it is opening a Pandora's box of powerful feelings, do it with your therapist's involvement in some way as support. I did, and I was glad.

Thanks for the help and comments.

I started a letter. I thought that would help me focus my thoughts some.

Plus, If I chicken out I could just mail it.

I posted the start of it in my journal.

I definitely know the feeling and the cycle of keep going back again and again hoping that a parent will give you what youve needed all along. For me...thats never happening. If my mom understood what was wrong and what was missing she wouldnt have treated me the way she is. Unless their taking some kind of big steps to try to better thamselves and fix there wrongs, at which time they -may- be willing to listen, its just going to end in more pain.

Sometimes its really tricky when things are going well in the relationship, one's mind can start popping up with "maybe this will be different"

I suppose the question would be "are you at a point where you are able to handle it going wrong?"

This is typical of what to expect when confronting...i kept it and read it before i confronted to be prepared...Yep.Right on the money.In my case they all used one or all of the excuses and then diowned and ostracized me.Never heard from them again.

So this is USUALLY how they respond so much that its wriiten in books.

There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether.

Total Denial

1. Outright Denial

Typical retorts by the abuser: It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abusers) feelings.

2. Alloplastic Defense

Common sentences when challenged: It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior.

3. Altruistic Defense

Usual convoluted explanations: I did it for you, in your best interests.

4. Transformative Defense

Recurring themes: What I did to you was not abuse it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse.

Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for Narcissistic Supply on the community neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity. Sam Vaknin

Your mother sounds a lot like my mother. "old bitter grumpy woman...i can hardly stand to be around"
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. And I understand your desire and need to tell her. But it would be a miracle if she all of the sudden changed into a person who she is not when or if you tell her. If she is not a kind, caring, loving mother, she is probably not going to ever become one.
My mother asked me point blank about my abuse one day at my home over 20 years ago when I was married with small children. So I figured she wanted the truth and I told her. That was a big mistake. she flipped out and told my whole family ...made herself into the victim (of course). they all attacked me and to this day, they ostracize me and treat me like a freak. I am the only one in my family who has sought help. Counseling, treament, doctors. and i'm the crazy one. they all do all sorts of drugs and/or stay drunk. and i'm crazy.
i am just telling you this because i wish i had never told her. and i don't want you to be abused further by anyone.
i know you need to do what is best for you. just protect yourself. you certainly do not deserve to endure anymore pain.
i wish you the best.
*peace*

I tried telling my mother when i was a child- I was called a liar and punished for "lying and making up things'.My memory is her saying "you should be so ashamed of yourself". I truley gave up and a part of me died that day.never to ask for help again and I still cant ask for help to this day.
My parents have passed away but the brothers that abused me are alive and i dont have the courage to tell my siblings and their families.I wish I was strong enough to.One of my sisters(who was also sexually abused by the same brothers) did write letters and she was out-right rejected and no-one will talk to her out of 10 siblings.
I think you should definetly write a letter or tell your mom.Not to expect a good response though.expect nothing I'd imagine except possible defensiveness by her.but it might help you to finally have a voice and not have to keep it a secret any more..

My perspective is a little different than others here. I have PTSD from non-family adult events and was just informed by my daughter-in-law that my much adored son was recently diagnosed with PTSD from childhood events I have no knowledge of. And he currently won't communicate with me.

Please give the "bitter grumpy woman" a chance, your abuser may have been the source of part of that bitter grumpiness. Do not write her off without trying. Particularly if your mom may have genuinely not had knowledge of your abuse.

Right now my heart is shredded because I know from experience how horrible PTSD is, and still struggle w/ my own symptom management. If something horrible did this to my son, no what what it is I want to let him know my whole heart is with him, that I want to support him and will do all I can to try and help him learn to manage his current symptoms.

Please don't feel guilty. It is never the victims fault, but victims commonly blame themselves until they have had treatment that allows them to see beyond that reaction.

I am so sorry you are hurting and confused about your mother right now. You won't know how she'll react until you communicate with her. It's worth a try.

I'm on the verge of trying... ONE MORE TIME... to fix the wounds of the past. What gets me is that my father STILL treats me like crap as an adult woman. To me, even though he's apologized, the fact that he's still doing it in his 70's means that he's not capable of change. But as I said, I'm going to try once more.

My mother refuses to acknowledge her part. She thinks she's guilt-free because she's not the one who hit and yelled. Still, she allowed my Dad to do it to me. She did not protect me. But she won't get into that with me. Where my dad will at least say he's sorry, she's like, "I was a good mom." Drives me nuts.

My situation's not nearly as severe as yours, but I suggest you make a list of what you hope to get by confronting them and a flow chart of how you'd feel given different reactions. That way, you're prepared for anything. The last thing you'd want to do is reinjure yourself. That's what my therapist said, anyway, to me. Do this for YOU and how it can help YOU and take care of yourself every step of the way. Set the date for it and have a therapist's appointment scheduled for that day or the next so you can have professional help sorting it all out.

Best of luck for you.

I live my life saying the serenity prayer. A parent that will not hear you, go into denial and excuses....will not ever see their role in it. You will not find comfort from them, only anger and yes the accusations of being a liar. I confronted my mother when I was told of one of my offending uncles death and funeral. That I was expected to go and stand with family and honor his life.... the result was 15 years of non communication or if there was a family event, a distancing from each other in a group of people. She did not want to see me or talk to me, I was a reminder of her inability to be the great mother of us all. It took my ability to set aside those feelings of anger every time, in order to participate. as a child there was only one surrogate grandmother that knew and understood my fears. My mother and family taught me not to say or speak by labeling me a liar as a child. So I learned to shelve it in my head for the few hours we were in contact by way of a family functions. She never came out and admitted that she was aware or apologized. But I learned as an adult that there are things we can not change, what she did to raise 7 children, her need for approval in the world as a great mom, meant that this did not happen. So tread carefully at your age you can destroy you, and the offender will never see. At this age, ripping open those memories and accusing will not change the past. The acts are already a part of what you do to survive. I still live behind the bars of the acts, but also the confrontations that resulted from them. I know now my sibling were aware, but they had to open that door. They were children too and just as powerless as I when they seen what was happening. Mine started at 2 yrs so I didn't know of another way of life, it went on until I was 7...damage done. Then new damages started happening.

Everyone is assuming here that the mom does already know and didn't protect him.

What if that is not the case? He does not state she has any knowledge of what occurred. If she already knew he wouldn't be nervous about telling her.

When there is abuse in families there is sometimes only 1 secretive abuser, frightening their victim into silence.

Thanks for all the help here.

I decided to write a letter. I will share with a few people and in my journal. As trying to share in real life gave me a panic attack.

I decided to have no expectations.

This is just an informational letter to explain my current diagnosis -PTSD. And what happened in my childhood to cause it. And a few excerpt from some websites I have read about what this does to a person.

I don't think my mom has any idea about the abuse - today anyway. It is possible she blanked it out like I did. Having her own issues from childhood I could see it as the same pattern of dissociation I used and continue to use now in my life. I still find it hard to believe that at some point with all that was going on that someone could completely not notice something.

Mom worked out of the house - the dad was kind of a stay at home dad most of my early life. Giving easy and daily access.

I saw mom today when I bummed a tank of gas from her. Feels so great to be 48 and asking mom for gas money. It makes me feel young like I am a teenager againlol She was in a great mood talking about a trip she is taking to the Grand Canyon to see my sister.

I was going to give her the letter today. But she was so happy and planning to go see my sister in a couple weeks. I had a panic attack and decided to keep the letter for now.

I am not sure what my sister wants her to know and I figured I have waited this long I can wait until mom returns from the trip.

I am also sending my sister a copy of the letter to let her know I am telling mom.

Again you have all had great ideas to think about and that helped me to realize that having no expectation helps me the best mentally.