I have no problem admitting that I am codependent. I’m working on it. For right now I’m experiencing an extreme level of anxiety and fear that I will say and do the wrong thing or just not say and do the right thing. I don’t know what to do.

This is a loss to me but it’s a much greater loss to my husband and his family. His little sister just lost her twin brother AND one of her twin babies. 

I have a complicated relationship with my in laws. They don’t like boundaries. I’ve never had a problem enforcing them but my husband does and I have a problem enforcing boundaries with him. His little brother never had a problem respecting our boundaries though. He was a really good person with a lot of pain. He never had a fighting chance. 

We’ve been here before. Almost five years ago we lost their big brother to an overdose. I was the hospitable one who brought everyone together, made the food, helped make a video and such for th service. I was the point of contact for a lot of things, the same when their dad died. Now that our relationship is more complicated.....because of time and experience - we have even more boundaries now that we have kids, this feels more challenging. It’s also more challenging because I hardly knew big brother but I loved and prayed for little brother often. 

I’m afraid all of them, my husband included, will resent me for making very healthy decisions. I refused to let him near our kids when he was using. I encouraged my husband not to help him in anyway but to put food in his belly and he eventually didn’t help him except to feed him. His mom told her own twin sister that the autopsy is pending, he was clean. She may have honestly believed that. She was giving him things to sell and a place to do laundry, sleep, etc. She believed she was doing the right thing. She was in an impossible situation. She has never liked me. Nor has little sister. I’m nervous this will drive a wedge between my husband and I. Our marriage already needs work - and we are working on it. I’m not backtracking. I’m keeping boundaries in place and telling myself that is healthy, not selfish. It’s not an easy thing to do.

Whats more in my face right now is the dozens of people checking in on us. How are we doing? Do we need anything? What happened?

Id like to say. I don’t know. I don’t think so. And I’m not at liberty to say. Officially we are still waiting on the autopsy but their mom is telling people he was clean, not sure what happened, waiting on the autopsy. She blamed his girlfriend saying she started using again. The same thing happened when big brother died. I’m sure it’s difficult to accept that her son made his own choices and I’ll let her remember him as she’d like to. I have no idea what to say to people. 

I have a toddler who’s refusing to sleep, a house that needs a serious cleaning and dishes to prep for tomorrow. Finally getting everyone together for more than five minutes. It’s been a challenge with the newest baby and with our own. Kids certainly change everything. We’ve interrupted their routine for a few days and the result is chaos. 

Trying to get back on track today and feeling pretty overwhelmed.