visited relatives, went out to dinner with the uncle who molested me. He is so old and weak now; can't even drive. He seems creepy but harmless now. I wish they'd just put him in assisted living. He does have an extra chromosome and lowered IQ and did time for hurting someone else after he hurt me; if you're wondering why I'd be near him. So messed up, but still my family.

maybe seeing my uncle and still feeling "raped" from all those years ago is making me dwell on the groin attack last year. Still feel "phantom aches" around labia and clitoris sometimes. I do feel like I've been raped, even though it was a groin attack; kicked in the butt. Can't think of anything positive about it. It would've been humiliating to press charges and they would have used my crush on my dance teacher and "sexual" dancing against me. If I act out online, they'll say I'm a stalker. I have no rights. 

I am thankful I was not seriously physically hurt. I think my anatomy helped. My inner labia are tiny; for crucial seconds the foot was "floating" in my body without doing damage. Then, he hit the clitoris. I could feel him giving the anus a good kick, then moving onto the groin. And to get in there, he first had to push through the buttocks. Sorry if it's too graphic. 

I was incapacitated for at least 15 seconds. Couldn't move; I guess the same feeling guys get from being kicked, but internal, almost like my whole body. So he got to enjoy me standing there. I still don't know if he said, "It's okay" in a soothing voice or "THAT was okay" in a threatening voice because I heard both. 

I was able to walk away. I had taken a lot of I ibuprofen. The whole thing reminded me of my uncle hurting me, so I just felt some kind of empathy and guilt at that point. Anger came later. It's hard to take being in this particular "boy's club." Can't believe he did that to me.