Arfie,

**HUGS** My heart goes out to you.

I, too, hold the hope that I can end this ugly cycle in my family. My children are still at home. One is 13 and one is 5. I know they were affected, too. I know that buried somewhere deep is the knowledge that Mommy stood by and did not always defend them. It makes me feel awful.

We can only do so much. My daughter hates spending time with my hypercritical and controlling Mother because she always feels stupid around her. So, I don't force her to spend time with the woman. I can't blame her, I grew up feeling like that everyday with my Mom.

Still, I hope that there is something I can do before my children reach adulthood to help them deal with the damage that was done. I've removed them from the situation that was abusive and have created a home for them that is safe and loving. I getting the help I need in order to be the best parent I can be. I love them dearly and I don't want them to end up suffering like I have.

My prayers go out to you, Arfie, and all of us, to our children and those who stand beside us in love and support. May we all find healing and peace.

JillieBean

Thank you, Jilliebean. I once had a secular therapist who agreed - unknowingly - with the Biblical logic that it takes four generations to counter the sins of the father. It has taken me all this time to grow compassion for the mother I disowned with sticks and stones of my own. In retrospect, I can see where the controlling old witch did the best she could with what she had. She was radical enough to screech the word "incest" in the 60s, setting us up for some hideous cultural abuse. Dare I credit her belatedly with spearheading generation 1?

I don't know. The big for sure is that I am crumbling under the weight of grown men.

Key Words there: GROWN MEN.

At some point, they have to become responsible for themselves and take care of their own needs. If they do not have a health issue that prevents them from developing into fully functioning adults, then cut those apron strings!! You did your job to raise them into adults and you did so to the best of your ability. Now its their turn to take care of themselves.

I know it sounds harsh, but it really is the truth. I'd love to make my mother pay for my therapy, cover my expenses when my depression keeps me from functioning fully, and a host of other forms of compensation, but I'm an adult and I want to feel like one, so I pay my own way. Besides, what would I do if she wasn't around??

These are your children. Even though they are grown up, you still deserve their respect. Don't let them beat you up!

Love and Hugs!!!

Arfie, no one, whether family or not, has a right to keep using you as a door mat. It is time for you to stand up and say no more- I cannot do this. Tell them they are adults and it is time for them to act as one. I had the same problem with my mother. I had to break off contact with her to get away (she also was one of my abusers). You need to look out for yourself and stop living to do for others all the time. I was guilt of this for years. I had to stop before it killed me. It will not be easy but you will see things improve with time. And as far as others in the family, don't worry- if they are reasonable people they will see the problems and side with you. My mom's brother did and we have a good relationship now.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those
who matter don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter.

I love that quote! Another one that my friend's grandmother used to say all the time that I think also applies here:

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency or crisis on mine.

I haven't spoken to my grown daughter in several months. It's really hard and there is loneliness to being stranged. But the hardship you face in interactions with ones children who will not or for some reason can not understand you are in pain too was an even hard experience. I'm not saying to become estranged like me. I guess I'm saying I think I know the difficulties and pain you face. I'm very sorry it's come to such a sense of desolution for you. I'm sorry for your great pain. I dearly hope you find some comfort. Peace.