I grew up in domestic violence as well as experienced it in a relationship with my son's father. Have you sought counseling or some type of support group. Forgiveness is going to be a big part of your healing process. It is not for him but for you. As long as you don't forgive it keeps you in bondage. So while he has moved on living his life, you are stuck having bad dreams and feeling helpless and useless. You have to also forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up. Thoughts can not be fought with thoughts you have to fight them with words. So when those abusive thoughts come to mind say out loud I am beautiful, I am valuable, etc. Speak well of yourself. Although you may feel helpless and useless; you are victorious, you have a purpose and a destiny, you are an overcomer.

You are not useless or helpless. You have endured abuse and survived, not without battle scars but you are no longer a victim but victorious. The battles we fight sometimes are in our minds and very real. Before I was able to get away from an abusive x-husband I experienced a multitude of emotional behaviors probably the biggest one was depression, I refused to look in the mirror and when I did I didn't like what I saw. I realized my worth and value one day and decided to do what was necessary for my health and safety. I later experienced ptsd and had bouts of fear and anxiety in certain situations I would encounter. I worked through it and would calmly tell myself I am no longer in that situation and am free from the abuse,no one would ever hurt me again. I would breathe, un-clench my fists and thank the Lord for my freedom and safety. It took me a while to look in the mirror and like what I saw, I would look and say to myself I love you, you are ok, you have beautiful eyes, you are important and matter. You must try to believe it and stop living the lies abusers attempt to grind into us.
Can you join a ladies domestic violence recovery group or a ptsd group in your area? Are there any counselors who work exclusively with ptsd in your area?
Look forward to tomorrow and what you can accomplish as a warrior, you survived a traumatic ordeal and are still here to tell about it. Telling others what you have been through can be healing and empowering. You are no longer a victim! The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is 1-800-799-7233 and the PTSD helpline is 1-855-315-3815 ptsdtreatmenthelp.com
Praying for you and your recovery. Blessings.