Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Sometimes i feel worthless. i manage my triggers, think im doing well, get to a good point in my life and BAM. cause unfortunately positive things in a way are a trigger, success is a trigger. having someone tell me they want to be there for me is a trigger because i part of my abuse conditioning was that kindness and peace was something you had to pay for. I was doing well managing, and it got me today. I've had this monster for a long time, but im so tired of it. i feel worthless because of it. I have a wonderful man in my life now, and i feel like i am not good for him because of this... he doesnt deserve this. i know i should let him decide that, but i cant stop this feeling. I feel like a little kid trapped in chaos again. I feel like my grandma, the only person who protected me, just died yesterday and it has been 20 years.
in december, my ex tried to kill my current man. we hadnt been together in months and he was stringing me along using me for nice cooked dinners and a booty call then disappearing, after having hit me in front of my daughter he was still able to manipulate me. I was weak. he played off my PTSD for years, and i believed it was all me. I finally told him i didnt want to speak anymore, that i had found someone else and was tired of the games he has played for the past 3 years. my bf and I were making christmas ornaments with kids and the ex showed up, ran my boyfriend over with a truck twice. I did not trigger then...
now 4 months later its all catching up to me... and this spiral is threatening all the progress i had made.
My guy wants to be there for me, loves me anyway, does not try to make it worse or tell me im wrong... and this unconditional acceptance makes it worse, because i feel i dont deserve it, i feel bad for what happened with my ex because his back and ribs are permanently screwed and the courts let my ex out of jail and extended his trial. part of me wants to leave him, to run even though i love him, because he doesnt deserve this, and i cant control it. i just feel like a horrible person... sometimes, i cant feel. i cant feel at all. i know i love my family, but i cant feel it.
im on meds. ive been going to counseling. the only other thing i can think of is to go to the VA and hope their program can help. ive had ptsd since i was a child... I dont think it will ever go away.... i want to give up everything and run to a cabin in the woods away from people...
in december, my ex tried to kill my current man. we hadnt been together in months and he was stringing me along using me for nice cooked dinners and a booty call then disappearing, after having hit me in front of my daughter he was still able to manipulate me. I was weak. he played off my PTSD for years, and i believed it was all me. I finally told him i didnt want to speak anymore, that i had found someone else and was tired of the games he has played for the past 3 years. my bf and I were making christmas ornaments with kids and the ex showed up, ran my boyfriend over with a truck twice. I did not trigger then...
now 4 months later its all catching up to me... and this spiral is threatening all the progress i had made.
My guy wants to be there for me, loves me anyway, does not try to make it worse or tell me im wrong... and this unconditional acceptance makes it worse, because i feel i dont deserve it, i feel bad for what happened with my ex because his back and ribs are permanently screwed and the courts let my ex out of jail and extended his trial. part of me wants to leave him, to run even though i love him, because he doesnt deserve this, and i cant control it. i just feel like a horrible person... sometimes, i cant feel. i cant feel at all. i know i love my family, but i cant feel it.
im on meds. ive been going to counseling. the only other thing i can think of is to go to the VA and hope their program can help. ive had ptsd since i was a child... I dont think it will ever go away.... i want to give up everything and run to a cabin in the woods away from people...
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
I am so, so sorry you are in so much pain, but I am so, so glad you felt like you could share it here. The load is easier when it is shared.
Success frightens me more than failure, too. I have a whole PTSD trainload of ways to deal with failure. Success? I barely know what that is, much less how to cope with it.
Gentle, sustaining hopes while you work it through. Please keep sharing.
I'm glad you sticking to your meds and your counseling. Eventually, they really helped me through some rough patches. Then came some breakthroughs in counseling in understanding my life story. They didn't solve everything, but they gave me some more clarity and control in handling my life. Still a work in progress, but it's been worth it. Hang in there.
I struggle against it hard. Im a psychology major. i graduate this year with my bachelors and move on to be a clinical social worker. I want to open a non-profit rescue horse ranch to treat people with ptsd and anxiety disorders. animals are more easy to trust and deal with then people, and i think it would be a good start to a treatment plan. I started volunteering at a native horsemanship non profit ranch, im moving my own horse out so i can be near him for my personal therapy, he has been too far away and it does help me keep myself straight.
sometimes i think being a psych major and studying my illness makes it worse, because i feel i should know better, be able to control it. im leaps and bounds better than i was years ago... but it still takes hold of me...
I just hope that somehow, my pain can help others.
but right now, today, im a bit of a mess....
I am also freaked out by things like success and so on---but I am glad you shared. You're not alone. :-)
I used to think "I lost me" to the PTSD---but instead I am telling myself, "Time to become an even better me." Sounds like you're well on the way!
Big purrs,
Leo
I had one of those...I is because of his love I still carry on trying.
But I had the same problems as you, still do or I wouldn't be here on PTSD. He loved me well, in all ways, but it took a long time to accept that love, still longer to feel I deserved it. But he gave and I took it, I knew I needed it. I am now learning what he saw in me...2 years two late almost now, but that one is on Cancer, not loss of love.
Go for it, fight for it, you are worth it.