Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I keep having dreams about rejection lately and I'm trying to figure out what's it all about. I want to apologize for not being on here too much. I do read a little but, haven't been comenting, partly due to DS being so slow lately.
Anyway..... I dreamed the other night that my husband and I were living in separate rooms in the house and one of us was preparing to move out. And then last night I dreamed I was thrown in jail for a crime I did not commit and had to share a cell with some nasty lunatic dude and listen to his psycho babble (yeah the jail was coed, btw, ewww!)... I had blood on my knees and lots of other weird things in the dream. There are other dreams but I don't remember them. I have a lot of friction in my marriage, we fight all the time, and often fear any one of those fights could be *it*. The blood on my knees could be the physical pain I've been experiencing lately with my knees (just did x-rays yesterday to try and find out what's going on).
I have a couple of things coming up in my life and am wondering if these dreams of rejection are in some way connected.
I'm preparing to have a potluck at our house this weekend on Saturday. I mean I'm actually going to have people in my house. But having people for it was pushed back to Sat. I fear they will judge me about how the house looks and how the food is prepared. I have chronic pain so I do what I can do and it's often imperfect. When I threw a surprise party for my husband back in May, it was different becuase all attention was on him, the birthday boy. This time, all attention will be on ME. *gulp*
The 2nd thing we're preparing for is a trip overseas in December. We're going to Tokyo for a couple of nights and then over to Indonesia for 2 weeks to visit a lot of estranged relatives. Remember when I spoke about my estranged father passing away in Nov? I can't believe it's almost been a year already. Well... time for me to go face that side of my family. Don't forget I found out I'm decendant of a king (who was overthrown a few hundred years ago) so this means facing them who are royal bloodline whatevers. I may also ask to see my father's grave.
I am scared for several reasons. 1. we fled this country 20 years ago during an uprising that overthrew the govt. 2. They were burning churches and threatened to bomb the US embassy a few times (which delayed our departure multiple times). 4. religious protests and animosity has come back lately and they even jailed their only Christian politician and are calling for his death 5. a lot of anxiety about my family history and wondering what my father told them about us. 6. I don't travel well with chronic pain and all that stuff. And how do I transport my meds, etc.
So anyway... you can see I have a lot of anxiety about this trip. But I'm going through with it anyway. We bought one ticket so far... the one going to Japan. Still have to buy the tickets for the rest of the trip and book hotels. P.S. wish me luck with the potluck (what was I thinking).
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Welcome to the Perseid meteor showers, the "biggies" usually every year. (The Leonids beat 'em one year IMHO).AND today much of the northern hemisphere will see 5 to 99% solar eclipse. How cool is that? Your best bet is to be in the UK or norhtern Spain, where totality is excellent before sundown. Me, I'll get a super duper tiny itty bitty slice of it, so little that it won't be noticeable. New...
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... observed a solar eclipse.
maybe only japan for right now. safety first xo see? waht do i know? praying, that's the better plan and words to share.
Having said that, people ought to appreciate your hospitality and not be judging you! I can say that when it's you - it's a little different when it's myself.
It does sound a bit perilous to go to Indonesia the way you have written about it. But you will be there as Americans and you will not go out of your way to cause trouble. I would keep a low profile and it would be good if you could stick to touristy spots. I am going there myself in December, to Bali, with my Hindu husband. Have a wonderful time in Tokyo! I hope your relatives behave very decently to you, but it did sound like they have their own issues, so don't let their treatment of you influence how you feel about yourself.
One thing that helps me when I fear people are judging me is to try to see the best in them. It removes me from myself. It also helps me to remember everyone sits behind their own insecurities and they need assurance from others too. As DW has said, people will have their own issues, the potluck guests and your family.
I think you will love Japan. They are very humble, kind and sweet people. I also hope your trip to Indonesia goes well and you are able to see all that you wish to see. I've heard its very hot!!!
It wasn't a good time.
Estranged family members are something I've had to deal with, too. Combining those two issues alone would be enough to explain the nightmares you've been having.
First things first, good luck with the potluck Saturday. Then, support to you as you book the rest of the trip and prepare your meds you'll need for it. I hope you can project your thoughts to the other side of this trip, and what it will accomplish emotionally for you to make it worth all of these challenges in anticipation to it. Keep us posted so we can support you step by step, ok? You supported me through my stress at work through my PTSD ADA accommodation process last month, so it's your turn to get support now.
I feel like I have to go on this trip, as scary as it is. I need closure and I need to see them. I feel it will help my healing process. I'm sure will it be awkward with some of them but there will be a positive outcome with others and that's what I'm searching for. And I'll learn more about my family and possible the mystery of what father did for 20 yrs (since he wanted nothing to do with us). Plus, I need to see the place we ran from and my father's grave. I haven't seen him since we fled 20 yrs ago. Muji, you understand.
Thank you so much for the tips about meds and being near the embassy. I shouldn't be too far from them actually. Donnawanda, I heard your meds gotta be in their bottles when going to Indonesia. Bali has a travel warning right now due to the volcano. So we have changed our plans and will head over to Yogyakarta instead to see the 7th century temples (Candi Borobudur), besides going to stay in the capitol to see my relatives.
Leo, I've started telling my husband what to wear and not wear. Not to use his left hand when greeting another and so on. I will have him ready by the time our trip comes up :).
Gentlest of hugs <3