This is really long but so so so important to me, I just began a new relationship a few weeks ago. I've known this guy since I was 12. He's always had a crush on me, we both had various girl/boyfriends in middle school and high school and now (college) I decided to give it a shot.
Before we started dating (before I got home from college for summer break), we skyped a lot. When he knew I was interested, he held up a pearl necklace, which belongs to his dead grandmother and said he wants me to have it. First red flag. Moving too fast, trying to control he relationship. So I told him I didn't want it and that he should definitely not give it to me.
Then I came home from school. We went on a date when I was home for spring break, so we were about to go on our seconds date... anddddd there's the necklace. A beautiful strand of pearls, stuffed inside of a huge teddy bear that had a zipper in the back. I told him no, he insisted, I said I couldn't take it, he put it on me. I was like ?!??. Legit no words. So I just... Left it on. Ok, the teddy bear was super cute. That I think is ....ok for a second ate IF you're in a similar relationship that I already had with him. But that necklace? Nope.
A week or so ish later, he asked me if I wanted to go to Indiana with him. That's an 11 hour drive, people! I felt really safe with him and my family and his family knew we were going out there. But we were staying with his family. I literally met all of his cousins, his nieces and nephews, and his dying grandfather. I wasn't weirded out at first because theyre all super cool and because I've known him for so long. But after thinking, rather than just going with whatever, that's definitely a red flag to me. Just too much too fast.
He made a offhand comment to my grandmother about us getting an apartment. Red flag.
He would not let me drink coffee or diet soda on the trip. You must understand, these are the only things I drink other than water. Even if they weren't, he's trying to control me. Red flag.
Told me I couldn't wear makeup. Red flag.
Listened in to a phone conversation I had with a friend while I was upset about him saying I'm clingy and annoying. Keep in mind, I'm just a person who feels a need to be held or comforted. It can be a heavy blanket or it can be a person or whatever, but that's how I control my anxiety a lot. It feels safe. I tried to tell him that, but he yelled at me after hearing me on he phone because I tried but I didn't really do it. -_-
I was already feeling low, needing comfort of some kind. So he told me I was annoying, then I give him space and talk to someone, and then he gets angry about it after he purposely listened to the whole thing. He go mad when I didn't run after him. He got mad enough to yell at me that he's not the guy who abused me. He said the words "I didn't rape you in a bed" while I was laying in a bed. Tell me, do you think that's something you should say to a victim of sexual abuse? That's when i shut down. I started feeling like I was depersonalizing. I felt awful.
So I let it go, let him think I took the blame for the whole thing. The argument, his anger, and what I supposedly did wrong. Just so I knew I had a ride home because he threatened to leave me there. That red flag is just waving all over the place.
This morning I left him a voicemail in which I told him that anyone who uses my past of abuse against me gets no second chances. That I'm done with him, and he can pick up his stupid necklace whenever he wants. I might have stayed with him longer if he didn't say the R word while I was already not feeling safe. He intentionally hurt me and that's when I move on.
He called me back and tried to tell me that I'm not thinking straight and twisting things in my head because I'm not healthy, and that I'm still treating him like my abuser.
So I ended up yelling at him. I'm not insane, and I trust my gut and my mind enough to know that when they work together, it's important to listen.
Sometimes my fears make things worse but I always voice them when appropriate.
So anyway... I'm proud of myself today because I didn't let someone lead me down that path again. I don't know if he would've ended up abusing me, but I know it was already unhealthy. Thank The Lord I dodged that bullet.
Trust your gut, ladies and gents.