Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
long story short I got sober (ish) for about a month and a half, after 14 years of going hard. So now it's time to start having to live with the feelers and crappers of past events. Honestly numbness is my friend but that only helps with direct thinking about it. Yes it happened, it sucked but it's over now kinda thing. But holy effing hell I never knew the symptoms of ptsd were so harsh and relentless. A few weeks ago a man from my past who lied to police on behalf of my ex who attacked me texted my hubs. My hubs, unbeknownst to me, didn't know what this man did and was friends with him because they work together. In all fairness I never talked to anyone about what happened completely. I thought I told him about what this man did for my ex but apparently I didn't. Hubs deleted his number and said he won't be brought up in our home ever again. Ever since then, now looking back, I've been the most irritable, irrational angry bag. Can't concentrate. Crying about everything and thinking about all these resentments I have for EVERYONE. Feeling snubbed by people I care about. Feeling like they come crying to me with their stuff but the minute I have any issues that aren't "nice" I'm pushed away and they couldn't give a crap. It pisses me off and I want to scream and push them all back.
So what I'm wondering, for anyone who has a grasp on their episodes, is does it get easier recognizing the symptoms? Seems like I wasted several weeks of my life wondering wtf was going on with myself when as soon as I figured out what it was, an episode, the symptoms are dropping off one by one. I can handle the crap that affects me alone but when it spills out onto my family and friends is when the guilt and shame gets ten times worse. Then I start to wonder if I'm flawed personality wise, which is a big fear for me knowing certain family members suffering with disordered thinking. Such unnecessary turmoil.
Also my original family is over for me and my family. I let the lid off my anger after once again being made to believe it's my fault for all the bad crap and told my mom that my sister is a effing biatch and I'll never forgive her. That there is no hope of the happy little family she wants so she needs to find the happiness elsewhere. The pressure of me supposed to fix it and reconnect with siblings I have no wish to ever see again pisses me off because she's not seeing how unhappy they make me, she just wants herself to be happy at my expense. Piss on that. So she started bawling and let me go off the phone. I tried calling later that day and she wouldn't answer and hasn't called me back. So I guess she needs time to process and I need to remember that I've had these feelings over a long period of time to process. I just am sick of being made to feel responsible for other people's happiness. I'm kind and compassionate but that gets walked all over if the wrong people are in the mix. I'll give her time and hope for the best but expect the worst. Last time I told her my feelings I was shut out and told I was too emotional. Yep and!?
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
I don't claim inside knowledge, but I have watched quite a few folks go through the end stages of alcoholic dementia and recognizing the symptoms seems to get easier for them, as well. By the time the dementia sets in, the flashbacks, etc., seem to be all that is left. I don't know if "easier" is quite the right word for that.
It definitely has to get hard before it gets easier, as the old saying goes, such is life. Fortunately I've had the uncanny ability to avoid dt's, higher tolerance, alcohol induced dementia and all it's glory albeit health and interpersonal problems...big ones none the less. Alcohol was there to help me through all the crappers of ptsd and I miss it solely for that reason...every other reason has in a way been...out grown, for lack of better words.
I'm sure many of us over-thinkers can get so interwoven in the throws of ptsd but just acknowledging what it was has seemed to help tremendously. I guess being new to this sober existence had me confused if it's something to be named and dealt with, symptom wise, or if being in the throws of an episode somehow takes away the insight until days or weeks later. It's comforting to know it gets easier.
Over the summer something happened where I thought I was going to be seriously injured or die and I see how I avoid these things with all my might. I see the patterns a little more clearly now so I'm just wondering if this insight will get me a little closer to paradise or is this just something to not look forward to whenever it's triggered and rears its ugly head? Ahh drunk is bliss but so is dealing with shit head on and hopefully healing. What a pickle dickle.
Even with all my practice, it still takes me weeks to shift flashbacks of repressed memories to mere memories that I can be reminded of without the crippling drama. That part takes allot of patience. I go with the theory that the brain needs time to route new neural pathways. I visualize ^it^ as a maximum security prison, complete with neuron guards to contain the inmates. Breaching the prison walls, evaluating the prisoner, re assimilation, etc., is a drawn out process. Being able to recognize it as a "Remembrance Episode" lets me work the process while carrying on with my life. For me, it seems to work best as a background process which works most efficiently without micromanagement from my other PTSD symptoms, like obsessing and hyper-vigilance.
In my own family, the alcoholic dementia sets in in the late 50's after the system shut down has initialized. As for how well the drinking numbs the memories. . . I have wondered if I should record one of those blackout conversations for them. The memories they claim to be numbing are the dominant topic. It is a hard, hard thing to watch. I am watching two younger siblings go through it as I type. From a safe distance, of course.
Yes, it is quite a pickle dickle. Each to their own path.
I don't blame you for staying a safe distance away. I don't blame them either but it's hard for others to know, almost as confusing as it is for the alcoholic to understand why people remain where they are, hurting themselves and others.