A big part of our commitment to PTSD recovery is to stop the cycle of violence. Our boundaries have been violated in so many ways, with verbal violence, sexual violence, physical violence, emotional violence, spiritual violence, intellectual violence, political violence, religious violence--the list goes on.

Your admitting to your own behavior sounds like a commitment to recovery, Cecil. Physical violence is the most visible one, and when you admit to it you trust making yourself vulnerable. Don't feel less than others, though, because though you can't see it even if we're not struggling with physical rage there are all of those other less visible ways to perpetuate the cycle of violence and not be held so visibly accountable.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself, but rage is rage however it's acted out, and all of us who've been raged at have to deal with raging at others. I'm so sorry for the little boy you were babysitting, but so glad you stopped yourself, realized what you were doing, and care enough to admit it now. Thanks for being willing to open up to us about it.

I was so concerned I would hurt a child like I had been hurt that I had a vasectomy quite young. You're not alone in this.

(((HUGS)))
You were ten...and what model had you been shown to deal with your rage other than your abuser's model?
You did what was done to you because kids tend to do that.
10 year-olds don't have a whole lot of impulse control, why you should not have been left alone at that age to care for a toddler.

...You stopped, were appropriately guilty and comforted the baby.
...You had a bad moment, but you pulled back.

You may not forgive yourself, it is your privilege to forgive or not forgive yourself.
But I think your actions are totally forgivable.

What would happen if you DID forgive that ten year old, who was facing so much with so little support?
She really wasn't a bad kid. What she did was bad, sure, but, well, people do snap under severe stress, and she sure qualifies as having been under that.
She did frighten the baby, but then she pulled back, she didn't really harm the boy, and she comforted the little boy afterward...

I think she's forgivable.

((((SAFE HUGS))))

Can't improve on the White Wizard up there, but... yeah.

I have had rage issues. I take it out vocally by screaming in pillows. I once as a kid hit one of our dogs and never have forgiven myself. I never hurt a child but I have come close to causing serious harm to others... and all it is, I've found, is the pain finding a way out as rage, and wanting someone to *notice* that pain, *help* that pain ease. In my experience, anyway....

So not alone, Cecil.... Rage victims learn rage. Not raging? Is a victory. Truly. GEntle hugs.

Ditto also on Hylie, sorry, I lost a paragraph in there.

I also meant to add: Rage is a voice for pain. That's what I'm coming to learn. Rage is a voice for something else, that feels voiceless--- for me, pain. For some, fear. (Panic at a situation out of control is, IMO, a form of fear, and as a kid that young? You had no tools, okay? But you had *great* instincts--- you stopped, you helped. GEntle hugs again)

I have also acted out my rage, to my eternal remorse. I spanked the hell out of my cat once (I was in my 20s). I put a pillow over my daughter once for about 3 seconds during her relentlessly colicky infancy. I've lashed out at my kids too, verbally, and even a tiny bit physically. I am grateful I never did worse, given the level of rage that lives in me and the abusive parenting models I had.

I cannot imagine leaving a 10 year old girl to babysit a toddler ALL DAY. And then expecting her to give that tired, cranky little kid a bath. Ridiculous. You were set up Cecil. You deserve to be forgiven. In fact, you deserve to comforted, because I am sure that what that little girl did traumatized her as well - she traumatized herself. And she was set up by being put in a situation that any adult who has parented a cranky kid can tell you is severely trying, not to say triggering.

I'm so glad you shared this. You have carried this burden long enough.

When I remember how scared he was I want to hug him and make it better. I did that. but he was so scared. After he was dried and had his pj's on. I took him to my mom who was watching TV and put him in her lap. After a minute or 2 he got down and climbed up on my lap and fell asleep. I felt so ashamed. He was so innocent and trusting. I didn't deserve that.

This is still so painful. To think I had almost done part of what was done to me.

That's very telling, him coming and falling asleep in your lap.

I just don't think you almost did what was done to you. You made the gesture. But did you mean to drown him, or just to shut him up? Those are two quite different things. And I think you must have been pretty sweet for him to go to you and curl up with you afterwards.

Forgive her. Comfort her.

One of the most healing cliches in personal healing journey is, "We are only as sick as our secrets." In retrospect, holding those secrets in was a form of spiritual gangrene. The spreading of the infection was relentless.

No, the confession does not absolve, but you have taken an all important step toward healing. I congratulate you on your courage and commend the awareness which allowed you the impressive insight.

Chew well before you take the next bite.

I will add a hug Cecil., and my heart.