Is it child abuse to teach your kids that they can't trust you...by not explaining the situation to them?

To want to know what? How? Why? What? Because the one thing I know --- gorwing up abused from age 2 physically, emotionally ---I've spent a coupel decades asking those questions. Truth is, only answer I've got after all that is... "Does my DNA matter more than what I've chosen to make myself?" ... And 90 percen tof the time (after therapy and help) is that... What I make myself matters more. Whose DNA? Eh. I share DNA with chimps and fruitflies, too, if the uber-nerds are correct. That doesn't make me.

Mind, I had a good support and love from my mom and her fam, and so rejecting my dad's was pretty much Very Painfully A Relief. Not just their ways, but also contact. Does it make me less me? Nope. Their role in shaping me (abuse included) remains. So....

Who was your dad? Who raised you, cared for you, mattered to you? Who was there, who wasn't? That's the non-genetic stuff that shapes us.

DNA... it's curiosity. It's possible you want ot lash out at your mom and prove she's awful. But at what cost to you? To your stability? Other than potential genetic illnesses, would it matter? Would you *want* to know some guy your mom was "indiscreet" with?

Dunno. Those are questions I'd be asking. My sis conned me into thinking I was adopted when I was a teen. Her college friend had a dad who helped make up fake adoption papers for the "prank". My first thought was not what she expected. I was relieved. Backfired. But for a few days, before my mom found out and it was revealed to be utter BS? I had a lot of questions. (My sis thought I'd run away or commit suicide if I believed I was adopted. She aws nice enough to say so. To Mom. When busted. Yeah. Fun times.)

Point being... Ther'es you-as-part-of-uhnit and there's you-as-self. Detaching from a unit doesn't eradicate the self. It just feels weird like you've lost your compass for a while, in my experience.

I ramble. Too tired. Apologies.

In my own, just-a-patient use of radical acceptance, it helps me to separate facts from feelings. I can feel more than one way about any given fact.

The question you inspired me to ask is, "Where does loyalty belong in that equation?" Dunno, but maybe the real question is, "To whom shall I be loyal?" When being loyal to somebody else is killing me, loyalties are seriously divided.

Thank you for the high fiber chew food, Double O Seven..

Mmm.... So many homes are dysfunctional, I don't know what judgement to say On the matter

Best to educate yourself about all the ways your family are mistreating you and learn how to set boundaries against the abuse. If you can stand up to your family that's bound to hold you in good stead for future relationships, that's what I thought anyway.

I've gone no contact now though

Have you actually considered the idea it was wrong of your therapist to tell you to go no contact???

It's all well and good to make snap judgments but if you have no connections other than your family then yeah suicide becomes appealing when your all On your own

Get a partner, consider practising boundaries with your family so you can c stay safe and in contact

If it was very abusive then understandably you'll be going no contact, what about joining a support group or something like Al-anon?

i have a husband, kids, pets, friends and some cousins in my life. My therapist never told me to go no contact but after having met my mom has a good idea why. If I had a white jacket and a degree I'd say she sufferers from borderline personality disorder. So my options were to stay in contact, feeling alone, being treated poorly with finger pointing and expected to stay in a submissive role to the queen or leave and be lonely. It doesn't take a therapist to figure that one out.

Her throwing it out there for all to hear that my dad wasn't my dad is a clear indication that something is fundamentally wrong up in her decision making skills. People make mistakes yes but as a mother myself I would never allow my kids to hear something like that no matter how mad I was. That's just one isolated shitty decision she made out of numerous ones. That was back when I was a kid. She's gotten progressively worse in her Queen B ways as she's aged. Me going no contact isn't an isolated situation for her either, her siblings and friends are all gone too, one other sibling is back and forward with her. I have a feeling the ever so competent do-gooder sister will always be at her beck and call and good, means I won't be getting any guilt tripping phone calls to save the day for the poor thing.

DNA can't erase everything my dad has been for the years he was here, its anger at my mother pushing the idea of finding out. Had some time to sit with it and i don't need to know. He's my dad through and through as far as dad's go. My uncles response as well as another aunts information says she did it but that doesn't change my respect for my dad.

If she's got borderline, then I feel sorry for her. No one asks for borderline and as much as everyone else suffers, she probably suffers more.

None of that is a reason to stay in her sights and to be her target...that does no one any good.

As for the DNA...no that doesn't really matter.

But what does matter is messing with a kid's head about it.

I don't know where the law stands on knowing who your birth parents are from dna testing, sounds possible that you could ask your Dr to prove it maybe?

Isn't it obvious sometimes from different blood groups?

Sorry to hear your going through all this, I spent nine months in therapy with personality disorders once and it was a VERY difficult thing too cope with, as was dealing with my parents as was coping with my own suffering and remaining nice

It's all possible to learn to get along with, but so much effort, perhaps your feeling down some because ending relationships can be painful?

Sorry I don't know what to say, concentrating to read your post is very hard atm

Thanks guys. I think after emotions settled down I got my answer from my uncle, as soon as I asked him for a DNA test he responded with "your dad once told me he has 3 kids" then refused the test. I believe he didn't know I didn't know with that statement. It was an accidental confirmation. Had a good bawl but things didn't change, it just gave me more respect for my dad. Pisses me off that everyone in my parents generation knew but I believe my parents decided it was right that I didn't know. I believe my dad has the biggest impact on that decision which I love him for. As for my mom, people do make mistakes in life. I believe her decision to keep me when abortion was an option says a lot. I'm glad she did. Tiny bit of gratitude goes her way but glad she's out of the picture still. Knowing helps with the curiosity but I'm even more grateful that my respect for my dad only got deeper. DNA doesn't change anything, I have no desire to know who the sperm doner is, chances are he was in the circle and knew and chose to stay away. Either way he is nothing in comparison to who my dad was and will remain.