apology not accepted for the tmi, pineapple. to the contrary, i thank you for the direct simplicity with which you posed a very complicated question. i vote we make the question bi-gender. in my circles, this wicked snot knot affects my brothers-in-healing as much as it affects my sisters and myself.

personally, i work on building intimacy with myself before i attempt it with a partner. if i'm not secure inside my own skin, enjoying company inside that skin is impossible. after 43 years with my current partner, that remains as true for him today as it did while i was still kissing toads in hopes that one of them would turn into a prince.

ditto for the support angle. if i can't open myself to the support, the most supportive partner in the world won't be able to reach me.

Arfie pineapple you two have been so good for me. You summed up what I am going through. Husband has not understand my need for processing emotions to stay grounded logical making good decisions. His advice from another veteran-throw it all in the trash- is worthless. And not at all therapeitic. His ex mother in law was admitted to hospital for pneumonia. His statement was I can't understand why people feel bad about these things. Thus person is his daughters grandmother. Self care working on your issues etc is what works for me.

I'm twice divorced, pineapple, neither time because I raised my voice or raised a hand but because the lack of intimacy within marriage was satisfied by a partner's adultery. My PTSD comes from years of weekly child abuse by mentally ill parents, being tortured by a military death squad in a war zone where I was a missionary kid, and to the point you raise here at the age of 11 two sexual assaults by a pedophile.

I relate to the line you wrote saying: "To give an example personally, I can find sex revolting because all I can think about during the time is the pedophile who violated me. "

Same here. Justice was done to the pedophile who attacked me. He eventually went to prison for pedophilia and died there at the hands of a fellow inmate. But before then he had sexually assaulted five of us, boys and girls, in my sixth elementary school class and left me feeling as you describe about sex.

I've done years of weekly therapy on my own about it as well as lots of couples therapy with partners. But I just can't relax and let my guard down during sex. Both times I was sexually assaulted I managed to fight the pedophile off. The second time the fight was for 8 hours straight. Apparently such a long fight was plenty of time for the trauma to set in concrete in me even though I won it.

I didn't date at all for 10 years from 2012 to last year 2022, and then gave it a go. I had some fun, but it reached the same dead end.

It's a real shame, but that's just the way it is. I'm a very loving person and my love is expressed in many ways. It doesn't extend to being expressed in sex, it is made manifest in support instead.

As my favorite writer Kurt Vonnegut would say, "So it goes."

Arfie,
I always appreciate the humor you put into your posts. Thank you for your insight into this. I think I have gotten better at supporting myself in those times but there are definitely times where I have to accept that I don't feel comfortable right now.

Muji,
My optimism is that there is strength from going through hell. At the same time that optimism is knowing that there are healthy relationships out there.

For everyone in this thread: In general, I think society makes it hard as a whole to talk about the struggles with intimacy. There's not a lot of support out there.

Until I do find the support I thought maybe talking to the LGBTQ or a women's support group/community would help in a sense they could be a bit more sex-positive. It was actually a suggestion from my therapist before our sessions ended.

If there is advice on how to support yourself or good books to read let me know.

Dani,
There is actually a logical fallacy to the statement "take the trash out" because no one is going to pick up the trash for you in your brain. The veteran may be talking about compartmentalization. But with those guys, I find that those statements are really a shield to cover up their own pain on the inside. It sounds like if he is saying that he doesn't understand why people feel bad about things happening, it could really be a desensitization of feelings because this person may have seen some shitty things that may quantify something worse than pneumonia. At the same time, it also shows emotional immaturity and a protective mechanism.