Good job! Sounds like you put some effort into this. Time well spent.

Dare I say...break time! Be nice to yourself. Speaking of faith...even God took a break at the end of the week.

Be well.

Eerily like my own thoughts on all this. I feel like the filing cabinet of my repressed memories blew up and I am faced with some sort of crazy scene of scraps all over the room in my head... gotta piece them together, put them back in the right places, in the right rawer.... Some have been partially shredded... Where to begin?

I've been in physical therapy since January 2012, for an accident that occurred June 2011, and had to relearn to walk, etc. An that meant "exercises" and "mindset". I was good at it for physical stuff so I am trying to transfer that mentality to the PTSD healing. There are exercises I can do, and rests I must take, and self-care I must do, and help I must accept, and the goal is to regain full function.... even if I do need to keep a cane handy for the rest of my life. (Literally or metaphorically.)

When I tell myself, I can walk 1/2 a mile at a time without canes now, going up a slope? (Impossible to imagine 2 years ago.) I tell myself, "Someday, I'll be grocery shopping and not feeling any anxiety or fear at being out of my safe place, and it'll be like this. I'll remember the bad, but it won't hurt anymore."

No idea what I'm getting at, but my sleep's been cruddy. Just know that I admire you for taking it on. My therapist reminds me weekly that it's easy to use the "catchphrases" as new ways to avoid or resisst. (Who, me? Do that? Nah. Never. Ahem....)

SMiles,
Leo

takes practice lilly. Get a shoe box and make a diarama of happy thing first, this will help "see the process" Go through an old magazine cut out pictures of things you like. Horses, cheese, chocolate poptarts. Then glue or tape pictures in the box. , cover with cellophane and seal, with tape at edges. You can see what's in the box. but they stay in the box.
If you some how dump the box, you know where the picture of cheese goes.

I recently read that there is "no such thing" as "repressed memory". Yeah, well, I guess whoever wrote that never had any, huh? I uncovered an amazing repressed memory during my first bout in psychotherapy at about age 25. OH YES, we DO repress memories, especially childhood memories. It's a self defense mechanism.

The trouble with it is: the dam will not hold; the dog will not hunt, forever. As we grow older, these repressed memories (or file folders, if you will, as you so astutely described them) crack, leak, wreak havoc on our self value, our trust of others, the choices we make with insufficient information, etc. CPTSD is the result of one too many serious emotional traumas in a person's life, or the result of ONE enormously horrific event (such as occurs with people who were sent to the Middle East to "fight").

I think LeoX3 said it well: "the filing cabinet of my repressed memories blew up"...yes. Me, too.

I kinda like Leo's description of the blown file cabinets with some of Lilly's neglect filing thrown in. Sweep it under the rug. Throw it in the closet.

In my own case, I suffered total amnesia of my childhood. To pull that one off, I had to assign neuron guards to prohibit access. A serious resistance habit. Like my own personal Area 51/toxic landfill.

At any rate, I am enough years into recovery that I am beginning to gain confidence, but still whacky enough to feel like I need to keep sanding off rough edges.

As our awareness and experience grows so will the skill needed to process the trauma. There does need to be some organizing of it -- I think we do compartmentalize feelings, events and the like and then arrange the experiences in ways that make sense to us.

I like the idea of how you describe the end of processing, filing the trauma away. That helps me differentiate between obsessing and processing. Obsessing is really going backwards for me, reliving and re-hurting myself re-opening the wound of a trauma over and over for no "pro" purpose. "Pro-" cessing is for me, not against me, and doesn't take me over.

When something's filed away I'm in control. I can come back to it, learn from it, but I can walk away, too.

Good meditation for me today. Thanks.

I like what everyone's saying. I dont know where i stand at this point I do know everyone has helped me along the way. -- for many many months. I also was in amnesia until one horrific event in my life had changed me for good. And it did actually change my life in a sorta + positive way. Cuz it got me help. Having no recollection of my past - childhood. Ages 5 on.. amnesia. Raped at age 20 -- the big event in my life.Then everything came tumbling down,,including me falling to the floor in 1991. After that I was then finding myself in car w/ - total strangers/at people's house/apt I did not even know those people. I had - never met them before (if I recall...) Moving on.....to a abusive hubbie.Which began to happen EVERY night......unless he was too drunk to. Otherwise, in the meantime hubby telling me that 12-step meetings are a 'cult' which was I see why now -- it was threatening his 'using' career!!......I managed to escape him waiting for morning when he'd go to work. I plan it just right. I got everything I wanted I made several trips in car find/taking all my 'personal' things with!!

Long stry short......I never did get Sober and Clean until ....2005. At least my Mom got to know me/see sober and clean. Otherwise that would have a tremendous regret the rest of my life. I do thank God everyday for get me through the day every day. Only because I got sober I am alive today. Otherwise; I should have been rolled onto a some ditch on the highway. God decided - He wanted me around a few more years! ...LOL. Sorry I turned this into my 'drunk'alog! ;O)

Arfie, I love the way you think!! ....and your view of/on things. Muji
The way you worded that makes complete sense to me. I've alwys not been able to 'comprehend' and I think it a learning disability .... that nobody caught on to. Teachers I do know some noticed. But I still cannot comprehend a lot. About at the age of a pre - teen now. I am an adult now; I still cannot comprehend much. Adding to that had some type of brain injury. ....I read and re-read a lot of posts. I move onto another sometimes - because i 'don't get'/understand it. oh and if you watch movie, Sybil ; yes we can 'repress' memories!!

My filing cabinet/system..I made after having a funeral for - myself when I believe that was when another had to take over for me. I'm working on knowing/finding out who that little girl is, living in me. I somehow developed what ....almost like autism/rain man. Knew of what years radio/tapes were playing. What year song on radio. I'm very quite sure that my memories I repressed - using music. every year the song was on (back 1970's on),, I knew what age I was so that made things/memories easier to find out which memories and how old i was; what year songs came out, making math easier for me. I sucked at Math. Dad screaming in my ear did not help any. I however in spite of him, know what age and what memory/songs- got me through his abuse. And like Muji, -- I can walk away from it. Whenever I feel like it. -That's me being able to be in CONTROL.

The music idea makes total sense to me. I don't do it that way, but i can see how it works. It helps establish a chronology. My timeline's relying on many factors right now. None of which, oddly, are how old *I* was, but what was going on with this or that around me. Hmm. Interesting to ponder.