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Prison Talk

arfie
arfie
My family of origin really does call prison "The Institute of Higher Learning." From my daddy to the sibs to the newest generation. I still have not set foot in a prison and never gave that much thought beyond congratulating myself for beating the odds.

A nephew who lived with me as a child is now in prison on what I suspect to be charges trumped up by his vindictive older sister to protect the latest squeeze. It is the only time I have ever had a hard time detaching from the criminal family circus of my birth family since the "Therapy Funeral" in 1977.

In June I tried to visit him. Drove 1800 miles to do so. Scheduled the visit, went into full flight mode as I approached and... Another broken promise to add to his long list. I couldn't stop the car, much less go in. I find myself unable to answer the letter from him on my table. We have been exchanging letters since his mother whisked him off more than a decade ago.

Just typing this is agonizing... It is the furthest I have gotten in talking about it...

Wondering if I have a phobia in this that I should be looking at more closely...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe you should sit and think about it awhile and journal your thoughts about it. I think you will get it.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
June was quite recent. Sorry you went through that, traveling there and then not completing the plan to visit. You must have been feeling awful. Sorry, too, you went through that alone, or at least it sounds that way.

Seeing a loved one in prison is a unique kind of pain. I never had anyone in my close family in that predicament. But the mother of my best friend in high school was tried and convicted of murder. From her arrest to trial to sentencing he still visited her every week.

I went with him to visit her in jail every week for 3 years, on every visit. We never talked about whether she was guilty or innocent. It was just that she was his mother.

After she was sentenced, things got on a more regular visitation routine as she wasn't moved any more. The hubbub died down, and he started visiting her alone.

That's why I thought of you going there to visit alone in June. It takes a lot out of a person to visit a loved one. Glad you got it out here, arfie.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Most prisons are dripping w/ negative vibes. In your case there is the added factor of incarceration of relatives that abused you. Seems like a formula for an emotional conception of Hades on earth.

I have visited in friends who were in prison and the places felt like I was getting exposed to psychic radiation. Because of this I understand your reaction and not being able to get yourself to go in.

However writing your nephew is separate. You had an established writing relationship with him, and it is likely your letters provided a glimmer of a healthier world to him. I'm sorry Arfie but to me you owe him an honest explanation about your drive, your panic attack and how you are still concerned for his well being. You don't need to explain why you panicked, just that you are sorry you aren't able to come down there and follow through on a visit.

Find a way to reestablish your tie with him if you care at all about him, because loosing you I am sure was devastating to him. Please don't forsake him now.
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
Wow- just the fact that you felt comfortable enough to tell us means a lot. Thank you. But this is not about us.

I have a feeling that the idea of prison and the legacy of your family means that when you came close to that, you somehow freaked out because it forced you to confront the possibility that maybe you really do come from flawed stock???

Kind of like going by a the scene of the crime that never happened. Maybe it was just a little too close for comfort.

I'm sorry if I just reduced you to some armchair psychoanalysis. But if my interpretation gives you some kind of insight, then I'm glad.
arfie
arfie
A college therapist(?) who tried to steady me during my first unsuccessful college experience introduced me to a term, "Imposter Syndrome."

The term has been haunting me but...

Small bytes and long chews...
arfie
arfie
letitbe,

I did manage to get a letter off. The worst of this gnarly mess is watching it cycle through succeeding generations... Where is that magic just wand?

Thank you for the push.
jewells1
jewells1
It's probably caught in the time machine. Let me know if you find it first.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Arfie, I think it's in your heart and mine, and everyone's we just have to use the magic for good and not go to the dark side.
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