Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
My husband and I are in the process of divorcing in part because of my PTSD caused by his actions. His birthday is Thursday and I've been bracing myself for nearly a week for what might come up for me. I thought I might come out of this with just sad reminiscent thoughts of how good our relationship use to be. Tonight I realized I was wrong. I don't feel bad necessarily... I noticed my thoughts wondering to a time when he had given up and was suicidal. I thought, what if he attempts or successfully commits suicide after the divorce is final? That thought doesn't come from a place of ego it comes from that dark PTSD place inside of me still. I am not under any illusions that he is incredibly distraught over our impending divorce, he did ask me for the divorce after all, but I do know the last time we talked he was sad about it.
I want the thoughts of him committing suicide to go away. I want to be free from the negativity he brought to our relationship. There is so much more going on but I thought the thoughts of him hurting himself was important enough to hop on my computer tonight.
Sleep use to be much worse for me, when the PTSD was really going off the rails. I am looking at the clock and know that my alarm will be going off in about 4 hours and it will be time to go to work. Lately I've been having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning because of how tired I am. I work very hard, success is hard work and I am willing to do it. Add onto that PTSD and divorce and I am wiped out. I also started waking up in the middle of the night. I can go back to sleep but I use to sleep through the night. I just want to get through Wednesday, have a nice day off Thursday, and not be triggered and I want to meet my career goals for the rest of this month and next month. I'm pushing myself hard. I normally do. I just hope I don't over do it. I've been doing a lot of yoga this week to help balance me or prepare me or something.
Thanks for reading. Just wanted to get some of these thoughts out there.
I want the thoughts of him committing suicide to go away. I want to be free from the negativity he brought to our relationship. There is so much more going on but I thought the thoughts of him hurting himself was important enough to hop on my computer tonight.
Sleep use to be much worse for me, when the PTSD was really going off the rails. I am looking at the clock and know that my alarm will be going off in about 4 hours and it will be time to go to work. Lately I've been having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning because of how tired I am. I work very hard, success is hard work and I am willing to do it. Add onto that PTSD and divorce and I am wiped out. I also started waking up in the middle of the night. I can go back to sleep but I use to sleep through the night. I just want to get through Wednesday, have a nice day off Thursday, and not be triggered and I want to meet my career goals for the rest of this month and next month. I'm pushing myself hard. I normally do. I just hope I don't over do it. I've been doing a lot of yoga this week to help balance me or prepare me or something.
Thanks for reading. Just wanted to get some of these thoughts out there.
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
So, or no. . .
Birthdays are some of my more intense "Trigger Dates." (interesting name for it. . .) When I am able to prepare myself for them, they seem to pass like a storm front. Loud and messy, but I gots my comfort zone within it all. Yoga is among my prep tools. Grounding exercises and a supply of yummy nutrition help, too.
Can I suggest some gentle care in place of the hard work? Back in the 80's, a therapist suggested I treat my Anniversaries (Trigger Dates) like a case of emotional flu. Lots of rest, fluids and soft foods. The suggestion has worked wonders for me. PTSD Anniversaries still suck like a case of swine flu, but I seem to hold steadier through them and recover more efficiently.
Gentle support while you find what works for you, Wisco.
I assume that paperwork is started? If yes his sullen attitude could be that he bluffed to get to you and it failed, because you took it, or he is genuinely sad about the same loss you are.
Those memories of when things worked are not so easy to give up on.
You mentioned his previous feelings of depression and even suicidal thoughts. These are there for a reason, maybe nothing to do with you, but his own life before you re-surfacing. Divorce even if a person asks for it is a sort of "failure" in the mind. If his self esteem is or has been low before, that will reinforce the sense of guilt, failure or loss... what ever the reason was for him, again.
A side result of those things in early life is a "people pleaser attitude". So the good years together may have been that in him working to be the great partner you had. But any front gets tiring when it is work to keep up and in place for too long, and what is perceived as not enough gratitude from a partner is not given. Then all reasons for the front of the good guy are dropped.
Please understand that I am not trying to choose sides in your life or decisions, but having been married to a man that also had that good front up too long, I later found out was only a defense to his own PTSD, that when the energy ran out, so did the good in him, at least where I was concerned. What helped me was understanding that I could not fix him. He could not fix me either, but together love turned to harm.
It's a hard conclusion. My husband went to extremes in all areas of abuse against me before I could completely give up out of self preservation. But I did know why he was the way he was, so I could determine there was no hope. I am sure you have also explored this.
It took my leaving and him hitting bottom to get help that he needed. If I hadn't left, he wouldn't have gotten help or followed through. He would have continued using me as his sounding, and blasting backboard to his insecurities.... Because by saying "I do" he thought that I belonged to him mind and soul as an object not a person.
Yes there were times before he hit bottom that he tried everything to get me back even the threats of self harm, suicide and my own homicide. It took a lot not to give in and go back, we had a daughter that he adored and kept his behaviors out of her sight...But memories of what he put me through and support of friends when I came out of hiding helped me break away from the guilt at the time, enough to stay safe.
Hugs of support as you sort. Also the yoga is good, but too much releases pheremones that will also interfere with sleep. (activity related) try a good pampering aroma bubble bath before bed...set the mood to sleep.
J.
Sometimes, as Arfie said, it's better to think of it as flu. "Powering through" has its place but for me, triggering means slow walks in quiet woods, extra naps, gentle foods, avoid junk food and junk TV (no emotion-provoking stuff, in other words, go neutral).... be easy on yourself, okay? I have a lot of active fears about consequences of my current mama drama, and so far, this ishelping me.
Also, venting here helps:-)
Gentle and supportive vibes to you. I've agonized over telling my aging mom she has to relocate to another home, and I still dread the "What ifs".... The *dates*.
Peaceful rest to you.
However, I found out by that experience that self care was paramount, even though I had a professional career to attend to. I agree with you that it's important not to over do it. Yoga sounds like a good idea; for me it was joining a Buddhist meditation group once a week. Making plans for trigger dates helps me, too. Lots of support to you.
wow, lots of responses, for me anyway. I'm not new to this group but I'm not on here regularly. Divorce and PTSD aren't my only demons but I'm not interested sharing that one yet.
LP, I do see a counselor for the PTSD and that has proved to be helpful but the yoga coupled with it makes a big difference, at least I think so. I have nothing to compare it to, I've never been in this situation. I never use to feel a lot of the things I feel since being exposed to something terrible enough to cause PTSD. There wasn't much back story in my original posting. My husband dealt with depression as a teen, got it under control but then a new job in 2012 broke him. I never knew what the human spirit breaking looked like until his did. Sometimes he drank and mixed his meds making him suicidal or verbally abusive, sometimes he altered his meds bc he's a clinician himself and thought that was OK. I watched him give up on life, show me how he cut himself under the wrist band of his watch while I was at work, tell me how he was garbage and not worthy of me and a hell of a lot more. After a long road of me being on high alert worried sick that he would off himself while I was at work, I got myself a counselor and it took her half a second (exaggerated of course) to tell me I had PSTD. Fast forward to me trying to take care of myself and he ended up leaving me...My punch line is that he broke me and then left me. It took him all of three weeks in his brothers house (a trial separation) to decide he didn't have the stomach to work hard, to be compassionate and help the woman who literally saved his life a number of times. I never had trust issues until this past year. I could be myself, completely with him, but then something changed once that job triggered him and all his insecurities (Dad/family issues) flooded him resulting in him taking it out on me. It's hard for me to trust friends much less men who hit on me. I want to tell them that I'm not good for anyone right now. It's true. I never want to punish a man for the mistakes my husband made... Rant done, back to your kind responses.
Jewells, yes, the paper work has started. We actually have a date to finish the last part of the packet before getting a court date, we filed jointly. I'm guessing that is going to be a tough day/week as well. Yes, he has changed over time, more than the usual amount we all change as we live and learn but he actually is a good person at his core. He doesn't know how to manage his issues and that makes for a volatile situation. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not making excuses for him, I'm not in love with him and pining but he isn't a terrible person. I'm damaged but I don't take it out on others. His damage is hardwired and he never learned how to deal in a healthy way.
Several of you urged me to treat my triggers like the flu. I get it. If I'm over the top to the point where I'm numb, I do melt into the couch, my dog curls up with me and I watch tv. Other times, the trigger means I have a lot of nervous energy and in the past I have had to exhaust myself physically in order to be able to sleep or at the very least be able to sit still on the couch and watch tv or read until sleep came. I push myself and I achieve. I refuse to let PTSD or divorce sideline me. My goals and dreams were derailed so many times in this relationship that I'm not having it anymore. I'm doing what I want on my terms. I recognize that I push too hard at times but it feels so damn good when I accomplish something, especially in the face of adversity.
A couple of you had comments on the yoga and Buddhism. The yoga I tend to do is slow flow Vinyasa and Yin which is like a slow moving meditation. My job is fairly intense and most of what happens in my life outside of work is fairly intense as well so to do a 75 minute Yin class decompresses me to the point where I often fall asleep or nearly fall asleep in Savasanah which is an accomplishment. The Vinyasa I do is still Vinyasa but a slower version so I'm sweating but it's not "power yoga" or hot yoga which I will never understand. I use to do way more physical stuff in order to settle or exhaust myself so I have made progress which is good. I recognize the progress but from time to time I stop and think, remembering who I use to be and how I'm still angry that this has happened and that I am someone who has to manage PTSD and deal with divorce. It's frustrating which I don't have to tell any of you. We're in the same perverbial boat for different reasons.
Sorry this got so long. Thanks again for the responses and for reading.