Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Okay,I am not sure if any saw my post on my " worst night". This weekend/Monday has proved to be an eye-opener.
Monday,it's still a maze in my head. I will make the long story short. I was in the kitchen with my mother, having a decent conversation about school and financial aid, etc. It wasnt all decent but it was our conversation. All of a sudden, my brother comes out of the blue and butts into our conversation. He starts saying things to provoke me, things that werent true neither necessary. I couldnt take it anymore. I slapped the crap out of him. His face was priceless.
He decided to take a "cross" punch on my face and punched my ear on the right side of my face, intentionally going for the cheek. I pushed him back violently, ran back into my room and locked myself in. Immediately, seconds later, he comes and almost breaks down my door.Unfortunately, when the cops came, it was almost impossible to leave the room.
Anyways, I was checked by the hospital( no physical injury or broken bones) and sent home. Hours later, I receive text messages from his current gf and I was told that he cut himself, trying to commit suicide. He was bleeding a lot and that he was shaking. The gf is another story; she's mad at me.
Unbelievably amazed how I am still here. Detective called to inquire more information regarding the incident. Report is made and charges will be pressed on him. This time, it will be 5 years( violation of probation, etc.)
Guys, I am literally and utterly scared out of my mind. Not more scared; just terrified. I can't believe this will actually go forward. I am willing to go through with it, Enough is enough with all his abuse. I made the decision to press charges, so it will be my decision to face him in court. More to find out!!!
Monday,it's still a maze in my head. I will make the long story short. I was in the kitchen with my mother, having a decent conversation about school and financial aid, etc. It wasnt all decent but it was our conversation. All of a sudden, my brother comes out of the blue and butts into our conversation. He starts saying things to provoke me, things that werent true neither necessary. I couldnt take it anymore. I slapped the crap out of him. His face was priceless.
He decided to take a "cross" punch on my face and punched my ear on the right side of my face, intentionally going for the cheek. I pushed him back violently, ran back into my room and locked myself in. Immediately, seconds later, he comes and almost breaks down my door.Unfortunately, when the cops came, it was almost impossible to leave the room.
Anyways, I was checked by the hospital( no physical injury or broken bones) and sent home. Hours later, I receive text messages from his current gf and I was told that he cut himself, trying to commit suicide. He was bleeding a lot and that he was shaking. The gf is another story; she's mad at me.
Unbelievably amazed how I am still here. Detective called to inquire more information regarding the incident. Report is made and charges will be pressed on him. This time, it will be 5 years( violation of probation, etc.)
Guys, I am literally and utterly scared out of my mind. Not more scared; just terrified. I can't believe this will actually go forward. I am willing to go through with it, Enough is enough with all his abuse. I made the decision to press charges, so it will be my decision to face him in court. More to find out!!!
First I am glad you are physically going to be OK.
Second your inner rage associated w/ your PTSD has been building for a good amount of time. You have posted about your guilt and concern and confusion about how to get through it all and I have read it all with empathy. I am so sorry it had to result in your acting out against your brother and do hope you will seek help in counseling so that you can prevent further freak outs like that. Loss of control is a scary thing.
Third, the fact that your abusive brother will now face the music for his reaction (and that will eventually make it so you won't have to be exposed to him for quite a while ...hopefully starting with immediate restraining order) this part of it has to be a relief to you, having felt so cornered for so long.
I hope you can find a calmer daily life and move forward. Maybe you and your mom can come up w/ a good solution for your school financing that will let you focus on your future.
Family dynamics are complicated. I don't pretend to understand or judge them. But here, in this group on DS, I just wish you peace and better days, and hope so much that you will be able to restrain yourself from further physical acting out.
I imagine though the look on your bro's face was "priceless" when you hit back, part didnt feel really good to be engaging in that type of behavior. I have experienced that bad environments eroded me and brought out bad behaviors.
Keep us posted. Use all areas of support possible.
It is likely some family members will try to discourge and blame you for your brother's behaviors, "this will ruin his life...blah blah, blah". Family stuff is so complicted, even more complicated when you are still residing in the home as an adult.
Hugs, Violet
Letitbe: you are right. There is the weight of the pro and cons of this kind of situation. Physically, I am OK. Thank God. Secondly, I think my inner rage had/has become wrath-like as I obsessively think about my brother and the ongoings of this possible court trial. I am sorry that it did turn out to be the way it happened, but I seriously have no regrets on my part and how I reacted nor what I did for myself. I am shocked, but nonetheless, relieved; bad mixture of bittersweet. Sigh.
I have been receiving support along the way from people I've never met before. It's quite amazing. I can't really believe it's happening. But I know a part of me knows it's just the start. I dont like to excite myself too much just because I know I tend to get wrapped up in it, like omg! I don't know if this is common in ptsd? In other words, it's nice to meet people who truly care and understand what they know and see in front of them.
Violet: It still feels like it just happened. It's quite crazy for me. I agree with your statement on the environment. It brings back to something I said that the env't has a part in our behaviors and this, unfortunately it's too true. I am shocked that I reacted the way I did, but I agree with letitbe that it's been all the rage I've had with my ptsd that I just exploded on him.
I've already had some of what you are saying about discouragement and blame. I know, I am making right but for once, it makes me sad to see how alone it is to do the right thing. Some want to take the bull and the beatings and hurt and pain; I take pride in when I say: I tend to see the big picture meanwhile others look at the details. I DO want a better life for my future children and nephews/nieces; they dont need to grow up in this kind of shitty env't... it's A LOT!
Thank you!
Mujca: thanks! I thank you for following my posts. I appreciate the support and responses I get from this support group website. I know you understand a lot of what we go through. War is not just physical, but it's complex in so many ways.
I don't know if the worst is still over. I would like to believe it is. I think that the physical warfare is over but I have a long way to go. Jeez, if only people like you guys can talk to my family and help them with their ignorance or lack of acceptance. Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! The test is over but it's far from done.
I think when someone is looking for support it is NOT the best time to point out behaviors for possible change. I think I got triggered by how it is easy to be consumed in violence, which in turn becomes cyclical in families.
Again, I'm sorry for not focusing on support you need at this time.
Hugs, Violet