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people hating

arfie
arfie

and the episode continues. up, down, back, forth, round and round. this morning's flashback daisy change is of my old habit of people hating. of all the mean, gnasty people worthy of my hatred, i, of course, was the people i hated most. my best days were when i was able to retreat far enough into the wilderness that i could forget i was a people.


is it progress that these days i merely dislike most people and am even able to like and/or love a few? some days i even like the wrinkly old broad i've become. it's been a while since the mere scent of humanity was enough to evoke fear.


i'm still leaving the mood icon squarely on, "okay" while i wave my magic wish wand over the fact that i'm on yet another spin of the not-so-merry-go-round. i still don't WANT this unwelcome ride, but i'm taking it in stride and managing to do what needs to be done.

enfieldguy
enfieldguy
You are so kind and thoughtful to so many people here so it’s surprising to hear you say you generally dislike people. It’s easy to understand, most of us don’t like people because we’ve been harmed and harmed badly. But I’ve seen people who truly HATE people and they aren’t nearly as kind and understanding as you so good on you!
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
arfie, when you say "is it progress that these days i merely dislike most people and am even able to like and/or love a few? some days i even like the wrinkly old broad i've become" I'd say the answer is clearly yes. It is for me, at least.
arfie
arfie
thank you, enfieldguy. shall i confess that i'm resisting the urge to talk you out of that compliment? considerable therapy went into learning how to accept compliments at face value, but i still need therapy tools to resist asking for time to read the fine print. out with it, friend. . . which fire spit are you buttering me up for.

it took me many years of therapy to learn the value of kindness,. had you invaded one of the camps i often retreated to as a child, you might have come out with a missing limb. i felt far safer camping in farm fields, etc., than i did at home and i had zero evidence by which to know what human kindness was. animal kindness i was well acquainted with. human kindness? ? ? what's that?

plus. . . it's much easier to be kind in virtual reality. in real time, humans are kinda stinky, socially masked and socially distant.

i've learned the value of kindness and the hard-wired need to accept my place in the human species, but i still LOVE my alone time.
arfie
arfie
thank you, muji.

progress over perfection.
itsy bitsy baby steps.
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