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Pacing the Cage w PTSD fight or flight

Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd

I'm having big PTSD fight or flight symptoms today because I literally had a flight taken away from me today.  Months ago before the pandemic I bought a plane ticket for a flight to Mexico today so I could stay there all summer in the little house I rented.  The idea was to prepare the place for retirement next year.  My friend of 37 years, Deb, made a pact with me in 1983 that we kept as we traveled together in the last few decades as often as we could.  She'd retire in Central America, I'd retire on the Mexican border with Central America, and we'd travel together as retirees.


She did retire this year, but as you know, Deb died in this pandemic on March 13, and then on April 20 the US & Mexican governments closed the border until May 20.  I  dreaded the coming of May 19 as the day I was supposed to fly down but couldn't, because knowing myself as I do, I knew it would make the penny drop.  


It has.  I've been more anxious today than on any day in the 71 days of this pandemic so far.  For the first time since my weight loss stomach surgery in December of 2018, yesterday I missed going for my daily walk to keep my weight down.  I'm having trouble functioning.  To put it in the words of a song by one of my favorite musicians, Bruce Cockburn, I'm pacing the cage instead.  He said in his song by that title:


"Sometimes you feel like you live too long/Days drip slowly on the page/You catch yourself/Pacing the cage" song Pacing the Cage from the album The Charity of Night


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN2uMVYwmqc


I'm having trouble getting through today because of the uncertainty I share with everybody else on the planet.  To let go of my flight plans for today I committed to make plans for another flight in the future.  I made it real, I bought another plane ticket for June 10th.  But nobody knows if the border will actually be open on that date, either. 


Even if it is, I'm a high COVID-19 risk because of diabetes and kidney disease, and I realize how serious that is since Deb died.  I'm really sad today, and struggling to be hopeful as I  keep pacing the cage.  Support welcome.

Thor2008
Thor2008
Muji - I am sorry you lost your flight today. I know when certain anniversaries come around I am the same way with my PTSD. It is an irrational fear but it is there. I hope you get down to Mexico in June and more forward on your retirement plans. Supporting hugs to you on this difficult day
LorileiTheWolf
LorileiTheWolf
It can be very difficult, I understand how it feels when certain things trigger you, you feel cornered but hang in there! you are much stronger than you know, and as I've said to people on here, I have nothing but faith in you :) like thor2008 I hope that you are able to move forward with your retirement plans. I will keep you in my prayers and I'm sending lots of virtual hugs :))
SimpsonsOK
SimpsonsOK
Muji, the dates of your retirement plan has been altered, but is still in place. You have lost Deb, but will likely find another friend to travel with. Not the same, but you can still travel. You are still grieving her loss. Of course today would be a rough one. You're supposed to be on a plane, not here at home. Anxiety, sadness, disappointment, etcetera are to be expected. Your task is to use whatever tools will work to let all these settle down. All the support that you can handle as you go through this day and evening. Prayers going out.
Community LeaderLeo
Leo
I'm pacing my cage for my reasons, today, and I will hold faith for you that the plan for retirement will hold, that you will have other travel buddies, and that you can feel less overwhelmed by all this... Hugs, purrs, support.
irishwriter
irishwriter
thinking of you muji. hope the day you want comes when the time is right and safe for you. .hugs.
Bluejay96
Bluejay96
I've felt since this covid outbreak, we can plan all we want, but there are many things beyond our control. Being able to set aside the frustrations from losing that control (and the wonderful things we thought we had in store) is no easy task.

I have heard God answers our prayers in three different ways...
-- Yes.
-- Not yet.
-- I have something better.

Trust... He knows your heart's desires and He loves you. Things will work out the way it is meant to.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Thanks, everybody. I'm not ashamed to say I was so touched by your replies here that small tears came to eyes. That's a good thing, it's feeling the grief instead of being PTSD numb and dissociating. I'm grateful to you for helping me feel through this sad day.
Secouya
Secouya
Hi Muji, I am sorry for what you have suffered and that your retirement dreams are now uncertain. Things have a way of working out. I know that you cope through music. Here is a song for you. You have many friends on DS to support you. Hugs.

https://youtu.be/dtj-G1gKnD8
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Secouya, that song made me smile so big I got little tears in my eyes again. Thanks for telling me "we are here for you." I needed that. It really helped me!
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