I am struggling this morning because it's my day off and for what feels like the ten millionth week in a row, my day off is packed full of stuff and responsibilities and I want to stay home and clean, and write, and sleep. Because I need rest.

I am currently waking up at 2 or 3am no matter what time I fall asleep. So I've been going to bed a little early some nights and getting about five hours of sleep. That's good. But then I don't have my scheduled me time. So this morning I gave up trying to get back to sleep again, at 4am. And now I'm tired. 

I've started laundry

I see my counselor at 10, record a video at church at 11:30 and meet with my new lawyer at 2.....

Yep, a new lawyer. Because this has gotten messy and I don't trust mine and I need help but I'm terrified. 

That car that my soon to be ex husband desperately wanted, because it was paid off, that one he sold before we were legally allowed to make any changes to legal property.....4/22 our mediation agreement says it's his as of 5/1 or I'm in contempt. And I was fine with it. By that point I just wanted it out of my name and into his. He couldn't make time to go to the dmv with me so I filled out thepaper work and sent it to him to complete. He never did. July 4 it was in an accident. It's still in my name but he said that it wasn't. We took me off the insurance. I wasn't driving. THIS IS A MESS

I'm stressed about that and worried my new lawyer, a man, is not going to do well with my insecurities. But I've met with him before and It trust his judgemnt. He's been doing this a long time. 

I had a hard time talking to my counselor last week because I was so triggered by something the previous weekend, and because of my birthday. And the next day is when I found out about the car. And that next morning while I was missing work to be at the Tax Collectors office, I found out someone I went to high school with took her own life, and chatted with a friend who spoke to her just two days prior. And then I just went to work because I need money and life doesn't slow down. And then my son/daughter were at their dads for the weekend and I had a terribly hard time sleeping and went back to work the next day and clocked out to a frantic text from my closest friend in town, whos husband has put her in the hospital before, saying "are you available, i need to leave this house now"

And I get her urgency but it wasn't because she was in danger. That upset me. He wasn't even home. He hadn't said anyhting, just prepared to serve her with papers and threatened to keep her from taking anything from inside the house. So she wanted to leave before she got served. I was glad to help with that but when she told me she was waiting on Police I thought something scary had happened. It really upset me. I have no told her that and I'm not going to. She has a lot on her plate and I have been there, feeling so desperate for change that everything seems like a dyre emergency. One day if she needs to hear it or if she asks I will be honest with her but it's not need to know information. I've also done something really good after the fact. Helping her was a lot and in was unexpected and I was in the middle of my own chaos and I helped anyways, but then I said no as she needed more help that I wasn't able to give. I need to take care of me or I'm going to be a terrible mom. I need to put food on the table. I need my hours at work and when I planned to help her again - I got a bad feeling in my stomach about taking my kids to her house. Since her husband wasn't supposed to be there while we were moving but he showed up....since we can't trust the scheudle that she knows because we just can't....I almost said yes and then there were ants in my car! Strange spidery looking ants so I didn't even pick up the kids on time! Dinner was late. I have not helped as much as she would have liked and I would like to have been more of an emotional support but our situations just don't allow for that right now. I'm giving what I can, and not feeling bad for doing just that. That's not much to cheer about except that it is for me. 

Thanks for reading. I'm exhausted. I've decided that when I can't get back to sleep, I'll work on my book. That's cool, but I'm tired....