My own mother?

Distance. She's never going to change (well actually she has, she's mellowed...not that anyone but my kids really believe me).

Parenting is the toughest, hardest, most thankless job that there is. We live in a world that doesn't give a hoot about kids. It's a totally "you made your bed, now lay in it" mentality. Supposedly the mother is punished (I'm guessing for sexual sins), but it's the children who pay. It's just not possible to do it all, so I actually get how parents disconnect. And from there...it's a small jump to allowing or participating in abuse. Survival mode.

So I deal with her with distance. I feel bad about it, but it is what is. I couldn't do it until I had kids...then the need to take care of them came first. My mother was too much of a drain. She's labeled me the most selfish person alive (well to be honest, she's done that since I was 5-6), so what's the difference?

I haven't needed to separate my mother from the substantial-sized herd of my dysfunctional family/social ties, but I supplement the catharsis of the letter writing with letting go rituals. My personal fave is to fold the letter into a paper boat and set the boat into a body of moving water, such as a creek or river. For the deeper conflicts, I follow the boat downstream until it sinks into the current. I know I am close to having made my peace with it when I am able to just sit calmly and watch it sail away. There are tons of other letting go rituals that can be used for therapy letters.

Continued support while you find what works for your personal dynamics, Musk.

Living with mine is tough. There is a lot of love but a lot of resentment. The biggest thing that helps me is acceptance and doing my own work with coping skills. I think letters are great ways to release. I often write a big post here or a large journal meaning to post it and when I am all done the need to goes away and i delete it. Happy it helps you too

I rarely talk to my mum she didn't actually abuse me but she found out (by reading my diary then shouted at me for writing such things) that I woz being abused, and that woz confirmed to her by either my school or the police (that the man in question lived around the corner and woz the abuser)
What hurt me woz her lack of actions she never said anything to him, never did anything about it and most importantly never stopped it (it continued for a further 6-7years after her finding out.
I really don't understand how a mum can allow or worse abuse their child
I adopted a mum who lives abroad, we met on here approximately 12yrs ago
She is kind, thoughtful, and loving
she talks to me, listens to me and I know for sure she would do anything she can to stop me being abused (if It woz to ever happen again) but we pray for each other and hopefully her prayers will keep me safe

So yeah distance and adopting a mum who actually cares

No personal experience but distance seems safest. Hugs of support.

Yes, distance and boundaries. Being willing to say "no" to my mother is difficult because she has no problem manipulating third parties, even strangers, to contact me and apply tremendous pressure and condemnation from others if she does not get her way. She even had a former FBI agent she employed hound me at work to come be her live in caretaker when she got cancer, something I couldn't do 3 states away and keep my career job. I had to go on the record at HR at work to get it to stop.

So my mother was physically and mentally abusive week by week, while at the same time expecting no end of emotional, financial, and other support well into old age with no amends ever made on her part for anything. In her entire life I've never heard her apologize to anyone for anything even once. With that boundless sense of entitlement, boundaries for me with her were a necessity just to lead a life of my own with my own job.

You can compose songs to them, like John Lennon and Kurt Cobain did. Hopefully, you can eventually forgive them.

My mother passed away and she's still messing with me. I don't know if I'll ever get away from her and the things she did to me. Many, many years of counseling have helped but she sneaks up more often than I'd like.

avoidance as much as possible

Great replies, I like the letter in the boat Arfie, the distance sounds like helpful, thanks Patti and Leo. Suicidal, I can relate to that, very hurtful. I told my Mom of my abuse when I was 19 months old and she left me in the subway and told me she did not want to be my Mom anymore. Muji, she sounds like a nightmare, that is all I can say. Doo, you are a saint to take care of your Mom. I would do that for my Dad any day. Jonny, I like your idea, but I am not very musical but I agree with the forgiveness. 22 years in therapy working on that. Zoe, that is my fear too

Good advice Hesse

oh, so sorry you are dealing with this too. someone did a post on what two word advice would you give to a much younger you now. and i had the most difficult time with that one. looking at it from this perspective?? i would say, believe yourself. go now. or maybe, go far, go fast, tell someone. do something, do anything. stay alive. get alive. get help. so many things in two words. i am 58 now and it is gone on into her being 84, i think 84. anyway, i feel for you. i like what hesse said. i do that. not enough yet. i go for long times now though. no longer daily calls from her - more than one a day for the longest time after i made her move out of my house for telling lies about me, long ugly story that i prefer not to dwell on. it makes me ill. doesn't help anyone now. my best thing is to not think about what is wrong with US when we are not interacting. keep her out of my now. difficult but possible with work. so many gentle hugs, i get it.

p.s. i can even pray my way for an overall sort of healing - not suggesting for anyone forgiveness - not that - but a sort of letting go and not....what? i suppose thinking the thoughts or reliving things. the repetitive thing that happens when it has you, you know? some of that has to happen when a person is working through things, i've done that - i may turn out to need more at some point, but for now, i am setting it aside so i can rest, so i can not be in highspeed freakout and pain about it all the time when she is nowhere around. i take the time when she is not here to be me now. more hugs - easier said than done, that is for sure

Aloha.

I'm sorry so many of us here were wounded by our mothers. I think those ones cut the deepest.
What I am about to share with you is a little of my story and what *I* did / do. Please don't take it as me trying to tell you what I think you should do. I understand each situation is different and so is every individual. What works for me may not be a solution for you.

My outlet when I was growing up was poetry, lots of pain or anger in them. It really helped me vent so I wouldn't end up in a padded room.
I remember one time in high school when my mom was cleaning and found one of my poems. It was not worded directly at her, but about our family and our pain. She was so livid!

My mother grew up in an abusive home. She was beaten all the time. And then her mom (my grandmother) shot herself and my mom was the one who found her. And then she married an abuser. My mom has severe traumas. I'm not making excuses for the "crazy" things she has done. I always knew there was something wrong with her that maybe explained why she did the things she did. For example: punishing me on every birthday till age 15, mood swings from sudden fits of rage and breaking every glass object in the house to being super happy, putting her children's lives in danger multiple times (long story), etc. But my dad was worse than my mother, so call me crazy if you like, but I guess I counted her as a blessing compared to him.
When I was getting out of the military, she said she was dx-ed with bipolar, PTSD, and a few other things and they put her on medication. It explained her behavior and the things she did. She doesn't even remember punishing me for 15 yrs of my birthdays (among other things). So, I forgave her. Don't get me wrong, these things still have some effects on me, they don't just go away. But I chose to do it. Some of my brothers still hold on to the resentment. One of them is still quite bitter and he has fed that bitterness to blame the world for everything else because he can't let go. In return, he has become abusive towards her. He isn't married yet, but will he be that way towards his future wife? It really breaks my heart. Generation to generation the abuse seems to pass on.

I say if you have to distance yourself and keep those boundaries up to stay healthy, then do so. Also, remember to do the things you need to in order to heal from your wounds. Keeping happy healthy activities in your life helps too. Take care...