Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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mujicaptsd 06/17/2017

6 years ago I quit going to holidays with my family. I was 52 years old and at Christmas my father had punched me in the face--again. My therapist asked me why I was still going "home" on holidays. I had to admit it was time to stop.

My dad was always a hitter. From the time I was a toddler he hit my mom regularly. Then when I was in first grade he started in on me.

I got into therapy after college. I thought I could pass on what I learned in therapy to my family. That way I might be able to have a grown up Thanksgiving or Christmas with family like the kind I saw on TV. Just in case, I had surgery to fix it so I would never have kids so if therapy failed, I'd still never become an abusive father like him.

So I'd work hard with my therapist and read up on my self help books and get all prepared to make that one good holiday with my family happen. Still, something would always go wrong. Afterwards, I'd spend months in flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, and depression kicking myself for walking into the same trap over and over. Yet next time, I'd be like Lucy from Peanuts when Linus offers to hold the football for her to place kick it.

Just like Linus always pulls that football away just in time for Lucy to fall on her butt, I'd please everybody as hard as I could. Then at the last minute, before I could get in the car and call it a good visit, I'd still get punched in the face. Again. More months in flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, and depression. Again.

Then not only did I think it was a good idea I had surgery so I'd be fixed so no son of mine would ever run the risk of the son's life I had led. I would also wish I myself hadn't been born. I'd wish I were dead.

No more. Tomorrow I won't be back at my family's house to deliver a Father's Day present. I've broken the pattern for 6 years now. My life's been so much more peaceful. On the other hand, my sister has kept going, and even though the hitting goes on, she has gloated to my face.

My sister says that since I stopped going to family holidays, my parents have told her that she's going to get all of the family inheritance now. As for me, I'm all alone, no family, but I've started to learn to be happy alone. I'm off almost all PTSD meds now but for the nightmares one.

That man was nothing but awful to me and my family. I mean, when I was 10, I had to go to the ER with my mother after he beat her. Again and again and again. Until I just wanted to die.

Still, I have a confession.

I went out for dinner with friends tonight, and around the table they shared their father's day plans. I couldn't help myself. I got jealous. Not only do I not have a father to send a card to or buy a gift for. I'm 58 and not a father myself with no son or daughter to send a Father's Day card to me.

I sat there wishing I had Father's Day plans tomorrow, too. I know better, but I wished trying to be the perfect son had worked, that I had loved him into being the idea of the father I always wished for.

I know it's the dumbest thing in the world. I'm having a hard time tonight, on Father's Day eve.

On Father's Day, I can't help it. I'm needing some support.

Is there anybody out there who feels that way, too? Or is there anybody out there who at least understands?

Rizen 06/20/2017

I was raised by a single mom and don't like father's day either. It's hard to not be in the norm when people are celebrating holidays. Making the day special for you sounds like a good idea. Hugs.

mujicaptsd 06/20/2017

Thanks, Rizen, it helps to hear from a friend that I'm not alone on that day. It was odd for me. My childhood was like yours 28 days out of 30 every month, because my dad traveled for his job that much. So my mom leaned on me those 28 days a lot, especially since we were overseas and I spoke the local language the best of anyone in the house since I learned in on the street when I was 7. But then when my father would come home for those 2 days out of 30 there was heck to pay for "stealing" his throne as king of the castle when I was just doing what my mom asked me to do to help her out raising us kids alone overseas. He's "win" his throne back by violence, verbal and physical, both toward her and toward me. As far as obeying my mom to help her 28 days out of 30, I was doomed if I did and doomed if I didn't. It was tough to be thankful to a father on Father's Day who punished you for being the man of the house when he abandoned it most of the time and then was mean when he bothered to return to it. It took my best play acting to grin and bear it.

Gregory1 06/21/2017

I can relate; My father wasn't in my life because he had issues that consumed him and was an alcoholic because of what he had to deal with in his life and didn't have the resources our generation have today. I am not making excuses for what my father did in his life and to my family. I have forgiven and reconciled with him before he passed away. Forgive your father; Don't do it for him, do it you! I also grew up with my mother and she did a fantastic job. I told her that I loved her before she died. I don't celebrate both holidays because both of my parents are no longer here and I am a single father myself.

Create your own way by volunteering and helping those in need by mentoring. I have done it and its a good thing. Not only are you helping those in need, you help yourself too. I have done it for 3 years and being around my former students was a blessing to me. Use Father's Day to be a blessing to others.

mujicaptsd 06/22/2017

Thanks. It's good to hear that you have former students as well. Do you feel like sharing more about your life as a teacher or about your students? If not, no sweat, G. Don't mean to intrude.

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