Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Hey, so, it's been about 3 months since my last post. Lots happened. Let's organize it because depression is keeping me up.
So, I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!! I graduated with mostly B's, two A's and one C. I haven't been a good student for my high school career, but I tried. I was pretty proud of myself. Till my friends started talking about how they got all A+'s. Till other kids started talking about how the got all A+'s. Hit me like a fucking train. There i was, destroying my mental health only to get B's and people were getting A's easily. I was staying up till 2-3am to finish my homework. I was so focused on school that I wasn't paying attention to how bad my mental health was till I was sitting on the bridge, cuts on my arms, crying. A biker yanked me off and I cried to her for an hour. Took me home and cleaned my arms, wrapped them up before telling me she was proud of me for how hard I was working. But I graduated. And I'm proud.
I got another dog. Her name is Gypsy. She's a Chihuahua and she had 4 puppies. We've been struggling to train her, but we love her.
Okay, uhhh, since I turned 18, my mom has gotten pretty strict. I went to my friends birthday party and told her I'd go volunteer and then go back to the party two and a day before the party. Even as I was heading out. Only issue is I didn't clarify the day of the party. She called me at 8 screaming that I was a fucking liar. Yelled at me for 5 minutes as I tried to hold my composure. Hung up and I burst into tears. I got maybe two words out. My friends mom calmed me down enough so I could get my friend home. My friend invited me in to just talk because I started crying again on the drive to her house. Her mom heard and didn't let me go for 20 minutes. Finally got home and my mom screamed at me saying I was still partying. Went to my room and cut myself to calm myself down as my dogs comforter me best they could. It's kinda fucked me up and fucked our relationship which is completely my fault and I get it.
I moved. We moved to Tennessee, it's pretty neat and pretty here. I got a job and everything.
I started a new story that's about families during WWII.
So things are going smooth right? Yeah. Things are looking up. So why do I want to kill myself?! Why do I want to hop a train and run away with nothing but a backpack full of my stuff. Why do I prefer to be at work till 12 at night then go home?! What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why do I hate life? Why can't I get the help I need?!
I'm struggling i guess which is stupid. I shouldn't be struggling but here I am, thinking of taking a bunch of pills because I feel empty inside. Idk, I guess this is a rant.
Thanks,
Shu
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Second, as a parent....if my kid was upset about me being angry about something and suggested therapy....I'd tell them that they can sleep on the streets for all I'd care...bye-bye.
I'm just going to say...that trying that approach...is not going to go over well. At all. (I'm known as the easy parent. I asked my daughter what the parents of her friends reaction would be...and it was the same.)
My best advice, start saving 95% of your money now for either school or for getting your own apartment. A FEW parents-children get along well enough to live together as adults...but it's not an easy transition. Most kids need to be out on their own. There's a level of responsibility that you only learn when you have to juggle paying 6 different bills, getting to a job, shopping, feeding yourself, cleaning, and having a social life.
As long as you're at home...even if you're paying "rent"...your mother still has the utilities in HER name, and she is still the one responsible.
Getting your own place, will also build up your credit rating. As an 18 year old, no one expects you to have good credit, but employers actually do look at things like that when you're older. You've got time. But you should be thinking of where you want to be in 5 years.
When I graduated high school I was 17, and I was outta there in a month. Lived in a trailer in a bad trailer park, a trailer with no a/c. So I have no tips for living with parents beyond high school, sorry. It was just not for me.
As for life skills for coping with life when it's going well, yeah, I know. Isn't it weird that some of us have these awesome coping skills for the apocalypse but not for the day to day?
I learned that about myself and made a career out of it working as a hospital chaplain at a Chicago ER. I had mad skills for when somebody came to our ER door with a gun shot wound or broken in pieces from a car accident, and especially when they came from being raped like I was when I was a kid. I knew how to talk them through that trauma stuff.
But then I went home and didn't know WHAT to do with myself. Everyday life freaked me out.
Somebody here posted on the same topic, about what to do with a perfect day. It reminded me of the song Lou Reed wrote about that called just that, "Perfect Day." It's not that Lou Reed is my cup of tea or anything, It's just that he said it for me.
Lou Reed lyrics Perfect Day
https://genius.com/Lou-reed-perfect-day-remastered-lyrics
"Just a perfect day
You made me forget myself
I thought I was
Someone else, someone good"
You're not alone here in this, either.
Your mom seems to have a lot of fears about you. I wonder where they're coming from? It might be important for you to realize that her fears probably don't say anything about you or what you mean to her - they probably relate to something else that you're not aware of. Maybe it would make your life easier if you can remember how fearful she is and take extra care not to trigger her fears? I do think it's good advice to save up to get your own place. It's extremely hard to heal when you live with someone who reacts like your mom.
I think asking a parent to come to therapy is an invitation to work on healing the relationship. However, it's probably true that most parents wouldn't take kindly to that. You'd best do your own therapy and leave your mom out of it for now. Down the road, if you could get her to go with you, it could do your relationship a world of good. Or not. I've been through this with my mom (completely fruitless) and with my daughter (excruciating but in the end healing and transformative for our relationship).
when my mother realised i had PTSD? - before she even realised i was remembering or... having childhood stuff -
it brought up a ton of unresolved reactions from her.
she didn't mean to be so - angry - at me.
she felt guilty. she felt to blame still, for things that happened to her when she was a kid.
there can be so much stuff. stuff our parent is reacting to - the fear she has for you - that, that can be super intense for a mother.
but, all this - we-cannot-know-right-now-stuff.
so, for whatever reasons, it was truly hard for my mother to cope when she found out how much i struggled with PTSD.
she couldn't say that; she may not have had that sentence in mind - it felt like it was all her fault to her. something like that. it sure made it impossible for me to have her live with me - just could not do that.
there was a lot to do as an individual to grow and get better - for each of us. it takes time to do that.
give yourself time to do what you need to do and make time to do it in.
you've already done so much!!
this is likely not the same for you. we all are different but sometimes, little bits are similar xo
sending you support and compassion/understanding