Oh yeah. I'm the only one in my family that recognizes my problems though. Sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope things get better soon.

Yup. I have cPTSD, a chronically perfect husband, 2 middle aged sons with mental illness and 2 grandchildren who are holding steady at 2 and 5 years. I just discovered yesterday when the DIL was arrested during a romantic dispute that there is a third grandchild on the way.

I don't foresee a future without the drama, whether it is the drama of working with them as best I can or living with the black holes of estrangement, the cycle seems to go on and on. I put my focus on holding the love sacred while looking for the hopes between the crashes.

Gentle empathy, Ozmum. I wish I had easy answers for both of us.

Not quite, but I was raised with it. Both of my parents were suicidal. And all of the weight of that was thrown onto me. I can't count the number of times when I was told that I was responsible for my father's drinking, my mother's (insert adjective of the day) mood, etc, etc, etc.

On paper...we mostly looked great though.

The stress on my sister and I though....was intense. Although I never tried suicide, I was sure thinking about it by age 5, and somewhere around that time had already learned to dissociate.

It's scary how much kids absorb the stress of a house at such a young age.

I have my own kids now (16 and 18), and although they have done well, there was a time when my son really struggled. It was a close call. The shame, the pain, the flat out terror...well...I still have a hard time putting it into words.

As for "what's best to do"...it would be so much easier if I had ever known that. But it's always been a blind guess and crossing my fingers. As I said, for me...my kids are fine. But...I'm still scarred by the "what-iffs". Judgement from non-parents or parents whose kids have never struggled...for me, was significant. So, so, so much isolation.


Sorry for what you're struggling through, and welcome to the board,
Heartfelt hugs,
Patti

Same as Loo here for me, too. Decades of hospitalizations in my family, and yet still a resistance in everyone but me as to getting real treatment. Sorry for what you're going through, you're not alone.

Of course you are struggling, dear girl. This is rough news and it must hurt so much. I am so sorry. Yes, I think many of us have dealt with these complexities. Family relationships can be so hard but they are often our "training ground" for real life as we deal with relationship issues over and over. We learn from both the good and the bad in our family of origin. You might want to consider family therapy as well as seeing a counselor for yourself. As the Mom, you are trying to be a presence to everyone, but self care is important. You need a place to go where someone really listens to your pain and to your hurt. There are a lot of support groups out there for your girls and I hope they would consider that. Most of all, I pray your daughter is out of the ICU and doing better. If you are a person of faith, it might be good to talk to your pastor or a spiritual director where you can gain some comfort and hope. Take it one day at a time and understand that the only person you can control is yourself. You can't change anyone but you can pray that they desire to choose different paths. You will be in my prayers.

thanks for your replies. Taking lots of deep breaths and trying to be measured in my response. Dd is out of ice and in a short term mental health facility (48 hrs). Not sure what after that. For the first time ever she is in a different city to where we live and in crisis, so not sure what to do. We are thankful that she is physically ok, though apparently it was touch and go for several hours. Part of me says that she needs to be left on her own to sort out priorities and do some hard thinking, as us coming to her aid all the time doesn't seem to break the cycle.

HopeandMoreHope, thanks for your prayers and suggestions. I am in therapy too with both a psychologist and psychiatrist, but they are never there when the big stuff happens. Get to see my psychologist this week and the psychiatrist the following week. My faith and support from some very faithful people at church have been a lifeline and comfort at times.

Will keep you posted on progress. Hoping we can at least get her back to our home city this week so that she can settle into her group house and continue therapy. She seems dependent on institutionalised care though. Mmmm.

Thanks for keeping us posted, Ozmum. It would be good if the group house with therapy option could suffice for her instead of the fully institutionalized care--good for her and for you both. Hopeful vibes being sent your way.