Spiral,i'm sorry for what you are struggling with....i hear in your post your being so very hard on yourself...please try and show yourself some compassion.
i'm glad you found some ways to distract yourself...do you journal at all? i find it helps me sort through what i'm going through,what i need,or is just a place to vent my emotions...
again,please try not to be so hard on yourself...even if your depression is "telling you" you ought to be......gentle hugs.

Same here

I, in my personal just-a-patient way, often think of my PTSD as a proverbial witch's cauldron. I use a scene from Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream" for my visual imagery for this meditation. "Double, double, toil and trouble. . ."

The things which bubble out of my PTSD cauldron are even less predictable than what will pop out of the next political campaign. Could be anything and attempts to discover what is bubbling mostly result in further injury through power of suggestion, plunging my arms into hot liquid, or whatever.

But sitting calm while the cauldron boils is no easy feat. . . Damn, those bubbles are stinky when they burst. Anywhere but here. . . But, the proverbial cauldron just follows me wherever I go. Sigh.

Guess I am just rambling. Can you tell my own, strictly personal cauldron is bubbling today?

Lots of extra gentle self-care. Continued support.

Supportive hugs to you. That happens to me. For me, however, the lousy self-estteem is part of the PTSD. What caused one caused the other for me. So feeling worthless about one thing can trigger my PTSD....

I felt ok when I woke up this morNing but sitting quietly having coffee on the porch I was suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and a sinking feeling cane over me. I feel beaten down, tired and like I have given up. I am oh so tire of this struggle. I gain a bit of ground only to lose it again. I feel so alone.

Sorry what your going through. Try doing some journaling. I have been journaling for 34 years. It helps. BIG HUGS.

Scott

spiral, I can only imagine how you feel. I made a major decision to leave a job years ago and if I had a dollar for every time I replayed it afterward I'd be the richest person in the world. Was it my flight response or was it a mature decision? Finding the pure answer would be like unscrambling eggs. Me being me, it probably was a combination of the two. I just kept second guessing myself, and I didn't give myself credit for how it got me where I am. In the end, however I made the decision, deep down it must have been where my heart of hearts wanted to be.

You're feeling tired and beaten down, ready to give up. So go ahead and honor those feelings and rest, let someone else inspire you, and let go of struggling for now. Leaving that job was a big change, and you can take a time out to adjust to it. You deserve it.

Unless you are independently wealthy it seems to me it's perfectly normal that you would wonder if quitting your job was the right thing to do, and have anxiety about your future. I often want a certain situation to be just one thing, one feeling, but life is more complicated than that, and I must deal with the uncertainty of mixed feelings. Some days are better than others. I recently retired under cruel conditions, and though I wanted to retire some days I'm really angry at the people I worked with and some days I am not. Last week I was grocery shopping and while I was getting in the car to go home, for some reason I got this whammo bout of depression out of nowhere. But all things considered, I am slowly getting better, and you will, too, I just know it. I'll pray for you.

HUGS Spiral. Big warm hugs. While I cannot know what exactly you are going through, I have been in almost exactly the same situation, and I know it is tough as sh*t. Please know that you are not alone, and you do have time to grieve and collect yourself. I recently quit my job because I was immensely unhappy, my boss was verbally abusive, and his actions towards me re-triggered my PTSD and gave me severe anxiety. You probably made the right choice to leave. Me, I wanted to quit in June, but I had a very wise adviser who told me to take medical leave instead to collect my thoughts. I took 3 weeks of medical leave to recover and collect my thoughts, and then I still decided to quit my job. I quit for the same reasons that I had in June, I just had time to solidify them. My point is that your gut knows what is right. Quitting so quickly may leave you with doubts but you did the right thing for yourself.

And the part that comes after, not having a job and not having the strength to look for one, I've only just emerged from that stage myself. I ended up taking a month of paid medical leave just doing things that made me happy and reminding myself of the joys that could exist in life. Then I took a month to move home and readjust. During this period I would start the first 3 lines of a job application and then waves of self doubt would wash over me. I felt so hopeless. Now going on 3 months I've submitted 3 job applications and have one sitting on my desk, no responses yet. I know this is hard. I know you are hurting, but things will get better. It took me 2 months to find my feet, you may find them faster. For now, know that you did the right thing and focus on bringing happiness into your life through hobbies, outings, and time with loved ones. Sometimes when we get burdened by so many bad things, it is hard to remember that there are many good things within easy reach, just waiting to be discovered. Have strength, and know that you and I are in this together. You are not alone!

hugs, Spiral. it may not seem ok to let go feel these feelings right now, but maybe right now is exactly the right time to feel them.

it is ok to feel your feelings, to cry when you need to cry. in fact, it is not only ok, it is important to cry when it is there for you. who said it was like washing our souls? someone here said that and it is so right on. it is a good time right now to allow yourself to feel this way - not that you should, no, but if you do - you have time for it. allow yourself this, it is part of the scale of emotions we feel and especially allow your tears. we don't have to define their reason, we can let them fall undefined.

Leaving that job was a big change Spiral, to all aspects of your life. As Lilly wrote above, you left the job because of toxic feelings, no doubt had built up after some time. Your body and mind, perhaps are telling you to slow down, feel the tired and repair while you are not working. Hoping you are feeling more at peace, when I get warped and my mind takes me to places of negativity, I go to utube for healing meditations to distract me and ease anxiety. Take care, ML

Sounds like you are like me. Keeping busy helps keep the blues manageable. It's hard to distract yourself for a whole day so be easy on yourself when you get down and have a good cry. There has to be something triggering it. Give it some thought and be kind to yourself. Lots of support and Hugs.

Thanks all.